It’s almost Christmas and that means just one thing around here: time to dust off the Reasons To Hate Christmas List.
Is it pronounced "ecksmas", "eczema", "Christmas", "crossmas", or "multiplied by mas"? I have to know!
Thanks to the Gulf Stream, a hill to the north of my city, and a stretch of water and an island to the south of my city the absolutely most Christmassy weather we ever get is a brownish sleet that turns into a brownish slush. Picture Bing Crosby singing "I’m dreaming of a brownish, slushy sorta Christmas, just like the ones I used to slip over on the pavements to and ruin my jeans." Doesn’t work, does it? No, instead, we get to hear some fantasy Christmas vision that merely reinforces what a crock of crap it all is. Where’s my damn snow?
Dear Coca Cola, can we get a free Coca Cola vomit bag with all four-packs of two litre bottles please? Your adverts nauseate me with the smiles and the tinkly music and the choral aaahs and the gushy, sentimental, fake joy that ires my rage nodule. And that man who stars as Santa Claus terrifies me. Really, really terrifies me. Clown-like terror. You still taste better than Pepsi though.
Tabloids and Right-Wing Conservative Christian TV Hosts
Tabloid "News"-paper Office, Late November. There’s a meeting going on between the editor and his crack team of "journalists".
Listen up boys, it’s almost December and you know what that means!
Hard-hitting investigative reporting possibly linking fraud and money disappearances in the contracts awarded in the Middle East to this particular time of the year when the poor and needy and families of loved ones kept away from their homes could be given the best present ever?
LAUGHTER ALL AROUND
You’re fired! No, but seriously, good joke there. And the real answer?
Re-run the same headlines from the last five Decembers pretending swarthy people and hippies are corrupting children and destroying the true meaning of Christmas by fabricating a story about a nativity play being cancelled in a school that closed down six years ago because a better school opened up nearby is really down to Liberal Muslim Fundamentalist Satanistic Atheist Cult Immigrant Activists infesting government, the media, education, the military, and those people who hold up Golf Sale signs and forcing through their paedophiliac, Virgin Mary-hating agenda?
Oh yeah, I forgot about our special Seasonal Festive Naked Bingo game that celebrates the life of Jesus.
Two late-teen skinheads with protruding lower lips grunting three seconds of Silent Night and holding out their tattooed hands do not constitute what I would describe as "Carol Singers".
Exterior House Decorations
It’s bad enough trying to look up into the majesty of the deep universe in the night sky during the rest of the year thanks to general light pollution and atmospheric heat haze but from mid October (well, it seems like it) to February that becomes even harder when various households decide to try to outdo one another with their vast quantities of exterior Christmas decorations. Life-size reindeers, fully-decorated trees, Father Christmas inflatables half-deflated, and strings of tens of thousands of twinkling, pulsing, playfully-chasing high-wattage bulbs. Here’s an idea: put them inside your damn house! You wouldn’t like it if I decided to worship the spirit of disco all year around and had strobes, disco balls, animatronic John Travoltas, and AIDS-spreading crackwhores outside my front door, would you?
I try not to buy cards when possible but I still do occasionally or I have to pass by one of the numerous card shops "competing" (at those prices? Really? Competition Commission! Card shops! Please! Thankyou!) for business. Christmas Cards are an abomination to the eyes, of course, but worse – far worse – than that is the attack on the auditory system. Fifteen people opening fifteen different cards at fifteen different times playing fifteen different songs on their full range of fifteen different notes producing one single cacophony of tinny, staticky, high-pitcheddy hell! How do the people who work in card shops not pull out weapons and kill everyone?
Christmas Cake and Mince Pies
Throw in some Garibaldi biscuits, Fig Rolls, and a special Marmite Yule Log and you’ve got yourself one hell of a Christmas feast there. No, wait, one Christmas feast hell. Where did the tradition of associating the worst food imaginable with Christmas come into being? I’m guessing in the annals of time some poor sod realised his entire family were popping around, all the shops were shut, and the only thing he could do was whip up some food using all the stuff in the packets at the back of the cupboard with use-by dates written in roman numerals.