Push polling

Karl RoveI love politics and I hate politics. Actually, to be more precise, I love politics but wish an excruciating death on those who are right-wing nutters (that would be almost all right-wingers then).

I don’t think religion has much worth in a world that has turned its back on Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the Giant Staring Moth In The Cupboard either but, for the most part I can live with it (religion, not the Giant Staring Moth In The Cupboard) and those who practice it so long as, like furries, they don’t bother me, or, like the Giant Staring Moth In The Cupboard, they don’t bother me any more. Fundamentalists – Christians or otherwise – on the other hand can drown slowly in a pit of lava for their small-minded crimes against humanity in the name of morality.

These two groups – right wing political nutcases and fundamentalist religious medical experiments – often overlap if you draw a Venn diagram containing them (they go on the same day trips, share bus rides to Bingo, and, eurgh, intermarry) and, worryingly, often employ the same tactics to achieve their power-crazed aims. And never forget that their aims are power-based. Politics, morality, benevolence, and charity never enter into their plans. They want to dictate what you do, when you do, who you do, how often, and how kinky. Sure, I’d like that too but at least I’m open about it.

One tactic they often use is lying, repeating the lie, lying that the lie ever took place, and then following that up with physical and/or spiritual threats. Spiritual threats, of course, don’t work on me; my ghost can beat your ghost any day of the week.

Another tactic is called the "push poll". This method uses a seemingly innocent question for survey purposes to subliminally suggest one point of view or another. It’s sneaky, it’s underhand, it assumes everyone is an easily-confused idiot (these days, pretty much true). It works. There are those who think that you shouldn’t use the mechanisms of the enemy lest you become them. However, I never listen to them. What do they know?

Push Poll To Potential Labour Party Supporters In The Upcoming General Election

1. If you were told that Tony Blair beats Cherie around the face with a spiked mitten nightly and takes in homeless children off the street to lick him clean in lieu of bathing which he firmly believes erodes the pheromones that allow him to sway swing voters would you a) be more likely to vote for Labour, b) be less likely to vote for Labour, c) be unsurprised, or d) store the mental imagery for when the lights go off later?

2. Assuming Charles Clarke and his sticky-out ears of evil manages to get his evil anti-terrorism bill passed into law, and assuming that, as everyone suspects, it turns out he really is an evil animatronic coat surrounding David Blunkett, and assuming that the evil Clarke-Blunkett Cybernazi then kills everyone you know and love in front of your eyes by bearding them to death would you a) be more likely to vote for Labour, b) be less likely to vote for Labour, c) be unsurprised, or d) consider producing a martial arts movie based around bearding people into early graves?

Ann Coulter3. If your favourite newspaper revealed that Tony Blair and the Labour Party were using superliminal messages and open threats to coerce people into accepting more taxes, no privacy, and terrorism forever would you a) don’t vote Labour or Tony Blair will take away your job, b) don’t vote Labour or Tony Blair will send you to Belmarsh, c) don’t vote Labour or Tony Blair will make you poor and smell, or d) vote UKIP? Just kidding. d) Don’t vote Labour or next year you’re conscripted to attack Palestine.

Push Poll For Female Admirers Of Ann Coulter

1. If Ann Coulter admitted that every single word she utters is a complete lie would you a) say "Duh!", b) assume that the statement itself is a lie proving that Ann Coulter tells the truth which would mean the statement is really true which means everything she says is a lie which means error, error, out of stack space at ganglion 3, c) hit her in the face with a towel, or d) hit her in the face with a trowel?

2. If it became known that Ann Coulter supports women being chained to the ovens, burned with lit cigars, and forced into performing oral sex on mute African slaves, sweaty and caked in dirt after a hard day’s work, to reward them for tending to master’s fields and cleaning up after his livestock would you a) approve and keep your damn mouth shut too since women shouldn’t speak, b) find out what type of chain best conducts the heat of the oven onto the wrists because subjugated pain equals true love, c) hit her in the face with a trowel, or d) disguise yourself as a mute African slave, sweaty and caked in dirt, and then pop along to Ann’s house with a cigar and a strap-on dildo?

3. After another publicity/propaganda visit to a right-wing talk show it is discovered that one of Ann Coulter’s "facts" turns out to be bordering on nearly accurate. Do you a) assume it is a glitch in the matrix and wait for deja vu to wash over, b) retreat to the shelter and await the end-times, c) assume you misheard and arrange for a hearing test, d) assume you are in some freaky sort of mirror universe where abominations against nature like Ann Coulter can spout out half-truths, and make a determination to grow a goatee beard to fit in?

Push Poll For People Considering Joining Christian Voice, The UK’s Current Winners Of The Prestigious neOnbubble ‘Unchristian Hate-Peddling Pains In The Arse’ Award!

1. Everyone knows that Christian Voice recently potentially aided in the painful death of sufferers of cancer by threatening a cancer charity to not accept a sizeable donation from a source they disapproved of whilst simultaneously offering no alternative because that’s the Christian thing to do and it’s what Christian Voice believes Jesus would have wanted. If you were told also that Christian Voice tortured guide dogs for blind children as there is no mention of guide dogs in the Bible, and that several children had been run over and maimed as a result, and the puppies were crippled, and one of them had no eyes himself and howled constantly in pain but was kept in a box on a desk at Christian Voice headquarters/spare room as a warning to other dogs would you a) assume that Christian Voice knows best, b) be happy that Christian Voice is forcing the world to obey their will, c) wait for God to dispense justice because that saves doing anything yourself, or d) inject the head of Christian Voice with cancer and gouge out his eyes with a spork?

2. If you were informed that when you become a member of Christian Voice your annual membership subscription costs were used to procure young male prostitutes for Stephen Green, the head of the most vile full-of-itself organisation in Britain, these prostitutes were forced to insert drainpipes up their rectal passages for his amusement, and battery acid was poured down the pipes because that was the only way Mr Green could get a pencil-thin erection with which to stab their brains out through their ears would you a) assume he must have been a Catholic, b) pay good money to see that, c) realise you’ve already paid good money to see that, or d) crucify him and see if he sees the funny side?

3. If the newspapers revealed that the members of Christian Voice regularly bathed in blood, sacrificed pet fish to Satan, and enjoyed orgies with boy scouts doped with Rohypnol would you a) say "Duh!", b) sign up immediately, c) pass their addresses onto fans of Finding Nemo, sit back, and watch the fireworks, or d) dig out your old boy scout uniform then hang around outside Christian Voice headquarters accepting free drinks from seedy-looking people scratching their genitalia absent-mindedly?

Push Poll For God’s Chosen Turtle People Of Tau Alpha III

Turtle Person1. If it was claimed that the cow-plants of the fourth moon were sentient and allowed themselves to be cultivated only so that they could build ulcers in your stomachs and support the money-making schemes of the pharmaceutical giants of Pharamceuticlon Bpg would you a) switch to using Tum Te Tum, the ulcer-soothing gel manufactured by rival corporation Pharmaceuticlax Bpg, b) raze the herds of cow-plants on the fourth moon and threaten the pig-faced-lillies of the seventh moon not to even think about it, c) shrink yourself in the tumble drier and go on a fantastic voyage inside your own stomach to see for yourself before the laws of logic caught on, or d) snap your beak once in the Dance of Eternal Beaksnapping Joy?

2. If the Ministry of Turtle Truth’s top-rated balanced political programme The Turtle O’Reilly Lie And Shout Hour announced that guest truth-utterer Ann Coulter was the special guest for this week’s show would you a) arm the explosive chairs in the studio, b) interpret the announcement as meaning there is no Ann Coulter and never has been, c) schedule a good scale-cleaning for that hour, or d) snap your beak twice in the Dance of Eternal Beaksnapping Joy?

3. If a rumour started to go around that snapping your beak in the Dance of Eternal Beaksnapping Joy caused beak thrombosis, shell chlamydia, and tail mould would you a) cancel your subscription to Raphael’s Wild Wild Weekend Of Beaksnapping Joy Dance Joy Fun Club, b) snap your beak thrice in the Dance of Eternal Beaksnapping Joy to prove how brave or stupid a turtle you are, c) use the Holy Terrapin All-Seeing Crystal to view the past and check where and when the rumour started, then eradicate that turtle using Mr Reptile All-Purpose Temporal Turtle Erasing Fluid, or d) retreat to your personal Trauma Oubliette for a period of not less than one birthing cycle?

If you have any right-wing relatives, any mentally-handicapped "Christian" addresses in your email list (why?), any friends thinking of voting for Labour in the election, or a family member currently vacationing at the exotic Walt Turtle Splash ‘n’ Goosestep World on Tau Alpha III then I advocate the use of push polling on them. Chances are they won’t answer as it would require thought and imagination but you’re only trying to sow the seeds of doubt in their small minds. It doesn’t even matter if the seed doesn’t grow through lack of nurturing because as it rots the methane emissions increase the chance of hair fire and that’s always entertaining.

Author: Mark

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  1. Thankyou. I’ve noticed that I always get complimented whenever I mention the spork. I think I may have just hit on a winning formula for article-writing.

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  2. I want the url. I want the url. The Christian Housewife url…

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  3. I’m just waiting to see what develops from the thread on Rob’s site before I see if it needs "improving" … then you can have the URL.

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  4. Jasmine, are you asking if I have stairs in my house?

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  5. hey man, we all live in a yellow submarine. except well you. I think you live in Ann Coultlers’ armpit. nein ich bein yowzers!!!

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  6. Dear Australian in Ireland speaking German,

    I’ll have you know that Ann’s armpit is warm and less prone to collision with sperm whales. Nur.

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