Pubes: Nature’s little miracles

Peace and love are distant friends when crabs comes a-knockin'This post has been inspired in part by last night’s complete lack of sleep.

I’m a fan of anatomy and by that I mean that I couldn’t give two hoots about the subject but I was stuck for an introductory sentence.

Legs: they’re smashing. Eyes: what a marvel! Vestigial tail: I don’t leave home without it. Pubic hairs: erm …

You know what: when I was thinking about anatomical appendages, organs, and general regions I realised that I didn’t know very much about pubic hairs and when I become aware of a void in my immense knowledge it gnaws away at my soul letting souljuice seep out onto the floor from my kneehole. This then becomes a water hazard and I must keep within a boundary of yellow cones adorned with delightful images of stick figures losing their footing and being impaled on railings to avoid being the cause of some blind moron half-killing himself and firing off a letter to his solicitor. Naturally, this makes getting through doors all but impossible and would render me in the position of one who was slowly starving to death but more rapidly becoming a dry husk through thirst and a major fluid leak if I didn’t act quickly and plug up that void. Act quickly I did. Plug I did. Let me fill you in with what I’ve learned.

Pubes: The Early Years

During the early years of its life the pubic hair stays inside the body of its host in a protective sac called the "Special Place." This sac is surrounded by a layer of liquid semtex and an organic proximity fuse formed from leftover umbilical cord. To prevent the loss of an important or semi-important limb through explosion it is vitally important that you never touch your "Special Place" until way past puberty. To be safe you should leave it until you reach 24.

During the maturation phase of puberty the protective sac breaks down into a non-volatile state and is absorbed by the body for the nutrients. Free from the sac the pubic hairs are able to migrate outwards and finally start to burst through the epidermis.

Pubes: Physical Characteristics

Pubic hairs are generally curly no matter what your head hairstyle is. They’re also short, measuring in at no more than an inch on normal people. Vegetarians, however, have pubic hair that reaches to their ankles. Many pretend they’re wearing handmade skirts of some obscure natural material and that all the proceeds go directly to villages in East Timor. But they’re not. They’re filthy liars exposing their genitalia rugs at you. There is no scientific reason for the odd behaviour of vegetarians’ pubic regions but there’s also no scientific reason for vegetarians. It’s probably God’s revenge. If I were God it’s what I’d do.

When a pubic hair is uprooted it transforms from its natural, curly state into a far more agitated, irregular form. This differs from other hairs which tend to do nothing. The reason derives from the way in which the hair grows.

As has been pointed out previously a typical pube spends up to 24 years coiled tightly within a protective sac, makes a relatively long and arduous journey through the colon, the right lung, and a hip bone, and then bursts through umpteen layers of skin and nerves to freedom. I bet that’s the first time the inside of your underpants has ever been referred to as "freedom".

By way of contrast the hair on your head, under your arms, in the crack of your arse, on your chest, legs, palms, on your face, and on your toes is all grown within the appendix in hair farms. Nurtured by the body this hair is regularly shipped out via the bloodstream to its various destinations around the body where it is planted and cared for and periodically plucked of baby hair seeds which are returned to the appendix to continue the cycle. Bad crops result in appendicitis and surgery leaves the patient unable to grow any more hair. The hair that is grown in this fashion undergoes a less stressful entry into the world and is typically much straighter than its pubic cousin. The exception to this is ginger-haired people but no surprise there.

Pubes: Care Tips

Like all body parts the pubic region needs love and care and attention in order to remain healthy. Not too much attention too often or you’ll get a reputation and will never find yourself in the situation to demonstrate how well you’ve looked after yourself, but just enough to prevent crabs, pubic weevils, and on rare occasions, centipedes.I can still feel it you know. I'm sure if I stuck my fingers down my throat i'd touch it.

  • Tip #1 : crabs that infest your naughty area are very much like the crabs of the open sea; strong swimmers, eyes on stalks, able to change colour and blend in with the background, and blessed with a baritone singing voice. And, just like their aquatic namesakes, pubic crabs are susceptible to boiling water. Any time you put the kettle on just strip naked and squat over the spout for a crab-free life,
  • Tip #2 : pubic weevils are closely related to potato weevils and do similar damage only with fewer potatoes around. Depending on your sexual preferences. The Irish know a thing or three when it comes to potatoes and the great potato famine taught them a great deal more. The answer to killing weevils or lice is to drown them in alcohol. The Irish aren’t just drunk all the time for the hell of it: it’s a social responsibility. So, keep the stout flowing and the itching at bay,
  • Tip #3 : centipedes are usually the last of the great infestations before you are carted off by the clinic to be burned and they’re thankfully very rare these days but it’s handy to know what to do if you find yourself crawling in hundred-legged beasties: mash them with a spoon.

Pubes: The Death Throes

Like all living organisms death eventually comes to visit the mighty pubic hair. Unnatural death is usually swift and in the past was most often caused by doing the zipper up on trousers without looking. In more recent times shaving the pubes has become fashionable and many millions of hairs have found themselves hacked down in the name of art.

When a pubic hair reaches the end of its natural span, however, a tradition bearing some resemblance to the ancient Inuit act of sending the elderly off to die takes place. There are no ice floes in your nether regions – although I’ve known a few girls who possibly could have used some more investigation in that direction to confirm it without a doubt – so the pubic hairs are sent out into the next best thing: the first mouth that ventures near the area.

For the hairs this represents a reabsorption ritual, a completion of the cycle of life, a return to the inside from whence it came. Although not the same inside unless you’re particularly flexible. For the human engaging in one of the sexual activities probably still outlawed in several American states this represents the perfect opportunity to gag, choke, splutter, and ruin the intimate moment or swallow and imagine that the hair can still be felt at the back of the throat thus totally destroying sleep patterns for the whole night. Either way it gives all the other pubic hairs a good laugh.

Author: Mark

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4 Comments

  1. Wow. A suggestion that a man swallow? That’s enough to make me laugh, without the vegetarian comment…

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  2. …my wife doesn’t like eating shredded wheat either :^(…

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  3. thank you for the advice about centipedes!
    a spoon! who would have thunk???
    now im at least twice as confident
    thank you

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