It’s almost time for possession season to start and I know that you’ve probably been too busy to prepare yourself for whichever one of the many manifestations will manipulate your mind this year what with all the fuss about the World Cup and the approaching asteroid about to destroy all life on Earth but never fear! for the world’s leading, self-proclaimed possessxpert™ is on hand.
Possession By Cats
1. Take up yoga. You’re going to try to lick various parts of your anatomy during your mastered-by-feline-forces phase and a good yoga class will prevent you from suffering a slipped disc or dislocated pelvis upon your return to human control.
2. Contract a carpenter. A local carpenter should be employed to re-hang all the doors in your house with hinges on the top.
3. Make a collar. A tie and a hubcap are ideal for this. Write the phone number of a relative large and legibly on your new collar so that someone can be contacted should you become lost or trapped in a shed.
4. Cover everything in newspapers. Beds, chairs, the floor, everything. You will be irresistibly drawn to the feel of paper and suffer great longings to paw the material and lay on it. It will also absorb much of your drool and protect your furniture during your twenty three hours sleeping shifts.
5. Wear a chastity belt. Furries operate in this area.
6. Purchase a permanent marker pen. This one is for men only. Write the words “DO NOT REMOVE” on your testicles. Try not to think too much why this is vitally important.
Possession By William Shatner
1. New shoes. A pair of stout walking boots or a good quality pair of leather uppers are essential in protecting the feet following a spate of flying kicks at people.
2. Denny Crane. Denny Crane.
Possession By The French
1. Purchase a fire-proof safe. Store all your sheep inside it.
2. Dye all your linen. You will find it hard to resist surrendering at every opportunity while under the influence so make it more difficult by removing easy access to anything white.
3. Pre-book a massage appointment. After the possession season finishes it will be difficult to find a masseur with an open slot (please refrain from inserting your own double entendres here thankyou) owing to a rush of post-shrugging, muscle-tension treatment sessions.
4. Plenty of make-up. You’ll need a lot to cover the thick skin you’ll grow after having to put up with racial stereotype jokes and comments during the entire period of your possession.
Possession By Writer’s Block
Possession By Calvin Klein
1. Obvious joke. A woody, oriental aroma blending notes of mandarin, nutmeg, lavender and no, wait, that’s Obsession.
Possession By God
1. Practice your confused face. During a hostile takeover by God you will be stripped of the ability to do anything for yourself yet still have free will because God is a fundamentalist at heart and takes the Bible literally. This ability to both have choice and no choice is possible because God is God and while He’s in your body that pair of conflicting options are perfectly fine in his universe so no questioning it. You will be able to reject the notion of God and choose to not be possessed by Him as that is your free choice however should you do this then you will have chosen wrong and God will choose again for you. They don’t call Him "Helpful God" for nothing you know.
Possession By Those Arabica Coffee Beans I Bought At The Continental Market This Weekend
1. Stock up on plenty of food supplies and drinking water. Just like the smell after grinding those Arabica coffee beans I bought at the continental market this weekend you will find it impossible to leave my house. I like coffee but enough dagnabbit! Get out of my house!
2. Hypnosis. If you do not like heights then you’d better get some help and quick as you’re about to spend a long time on the top shelf of my wall-mounted unit in the kitchen. You’ll be between the cinnamon beans and the southern pecans.