Abortions are on the up! See here if you don’t believe me. While this is good news if you bought into abortion stocks during their all-time low, for the rest of us it either belongs in the category of "sounds sensible" or "Jesus will be getting his smiting shoes on right about now".
I’m a "sounds sensible" person myself but that doesn’t mean I’ll simply shun the anti-freedom brigades. My liberal, social views and pleasant, indiscriminating, non-judgemental attitude means I’m still happy to try to help these God-bothering, verminous scum to bring down those figures.
Sadly for them, you don’t reduce abortions by banning them; the price of wire and deaths of women rises by banning abortions but actual numbers don’t go down so that’s not the answer. The way to reduce abortions is, simply, to reduce pregnancies. It’s not rocket science but it does take intelligence to realise this.
So, how can we prevent pregnancies, especially in the highly vulnerable "stupid" age range?
Condoms work by being sealed inside sachets that are fiddly to open. The ensuing embarrassment following
"ooh, baby, yeah, let me just put this on and … grrr … hang on … oh you bastard, it only tore the edge … wait, I can do this … that’s it, no, you … GET OUT OF THE FUCKING WRAPPER YOU F … yes … yes … got it … OH YOU MOTHERF … it’s dropped on the carpet … there’s fucking cat hair on it now! … what do you mean you finished off without me?"
ensures less sex. The equation of less sex leading to fewer pregnancies and fewer abortions is a simple one to follow and we’re sure to see it again.
The old wives’ tale about catching pregnancy from toilet seats through seated contact is clearly ridiculous yet has its roots – like many traditional stories – in reality. Scientists these days know that pressing the skin of one’s buttocks against a recently similarly-warmed seat will not actually lead to pregnancy in and of itself. Alzheimers is spread that way but you can rest easy knowing that babies aren’t.
However, ejaculate from a man is able to survive under the rim of a toilet bowl for up to nine hours and – during lengthy "rest breaks" – sperm is able to charge for a woman’s naughty opening. On the plus side pregnancy is still not assured in this method but conversely it is typically filthy tramps breaking into homes and hiding out in public conveniences who make use of the rim in this way.
The solution therefore is to make travelling from the rim to the seat area more difficult for the sperm. A series of microscopic caltrops, mental challenges, and dummy vaginas set over goo oubliettes inset into new toilet bowls is one possible solution for manufacturers to consider. Burning all the tramps is another.
Despite what you may think from watching television and movies, ugly people also have sex, often with other ugly people but sometimes quite attractive ones too. A visit to your local supermarket will confirm this horrific fact.
That said, beautiful people have more sex than ugly ones and it’s far more fulfilling too as there are fewer underpants on the floor and flies buzzing around.
The increasing availability of plastic surgery to the unpretty underclass will facilitate sexual activities between those whom natured had predetermined should have a rough time of it. The consequences of more sex are obvious and bring a tear to the eye.
The solution to the popularity of surgery is therefore vigilante gangs smashing gorgeous people in the face with spades. While there are always going to be some people who find swollen lips, missing and cracked teeth, and a distended eyeball a turn-on, pregnancies should reduce overall.
Storks are just vindictive.
Total abstinence – in the absence of toilet seating and outside the migratory path of storks – is a nearly 83% guaranteed way to avoid abortions by preventing pregnancies. However, Mother Nature – in addition to abhoring a vacuum – abhors deliberate attempts to ignore her gift of the womb. And those are just two of the things she abhors. The list goes on for eight pages. She has issues.
Look through science news from the last year or two and you’ll spot a trend among animals for virgin births. There’s even accounts of virgin birthing in the human species too but you’d have to believe the Bible to accept that and trust me when I say that nobody with more than nine neurons in their head does.
In the main it is currently cold-blooded creatures who are able to conceive without outside interference. The problem with this is that those who choose to abstain earn a reptuation as being frigid. The power of suggestion is enough to physically lower the core temperature of abstainers increasing their chances of suddenly becoming pregnant. Further, without a father figure to raise the child, should an abortion not be forthcoming then it would only be a matter of time before an appearance on a daytime TV programme with the title of "My Troublesome Virgin-Birthed Tearaway Is Driving Me Crazy" occurs.
The solution here is clearly for abstainees to engage in more sex than average people with fewer precautionary measures in order to fall pregnant and so defeat Mother Nature’s abhoring ways. It’s pleasing to see that in countries where abstinence is actively promoted such as the United States this action is taking place already.
If corks can keep wine in a bottle then think what it can do for you!