Predicting Animals

As 2006 draws to a close it’s nice to finally see a story about my most favourite subject in the world making it to the BBC website. That subject – as regular visitors will know – is "animals what can predict things and do amazing stuff" and that article is called Snakes in China ‘predict quakes’.

The BBC have finally confirmed what I have been telling everyone for years: put snakes in a room and when they hit the walls there’s an earthquake coming. You all thought I was mad and that my slaying spree during August was unjustified. Well, who’s mad now?

Snakes aren’t the only creatures put on this Earth by the Many Legged Moon God to help us survive our daily lives through some form of sixth sense. Everyone accepts as fact too that cats can tell when a storm is coming or when you’ve bought them a new flea collar and are surreptitiously trying to put it on without having your flesh torn into strips by pretending you always creep around with your hands behind your back casually staring at the ceiling as if it were the most normal thing in the world. But it’s not just our feline friends and ophidian acquaintances who revel in a world of precognitive abilities over which we can only cry ourselves to sleep in jealousy.

Predicting Newt

The Spotted Newt

Spotted Newt Facts

  • Newts can regrow appendages if they are cut off and their blood is injected into the veins of U.S. Marines regularly to see if it will help them in a similar way in the Unending War on Terror.
  • The ability to regrow a limb was probably the inspiration for the myth of the Hydra and quite probably some horror-porn movie too if I had to guess.
  • Newts can secrete toxins through their skin to keep predators away but sometimes it keeps away others of their species too and that can make life tough and lonely for a newt.

Spotted Newt Powers
Newts will tie themselves to the ground using pond reeds twelve hours before a tornado touches down.

The Giraffe

Giraffe Facts

  • The camouflage pattern on a giraffe is to help it blend in against a backdrop of more giraffes such as a giraffe mural on the Great Wall of China, perhaps.
  • Giraffes once had short necks and ate bushes but there was a falling out between the two lifeforms and the bushes became trees leading to a necessary evolutionary adaptation in response. Scientists believe that trees will next start growing neck shears and giraffes will counter this by covering their bodies in granite.
  • A giraffe could kill a lion with a single kick but this would anger its sensei who has instructed it to seek the peaceful path to enlightenment.

Giraffe Powers
An upside-down giraffe always precedes a moth-flu pandemic.

The Goat

Goat Facts

  • Goats are well-known for being able to eat anything and – while this is absolutely true – even they draw the line at Marmite.
  • Goats were first domesticated in Iran where it was noticed they shared many of the useful traits of sheep but had added entertainment value too. In the days before television and threats from The Great Satan this was quite important.

Goat Powers
Goats burrow underground in the week leading up to an asteroid collision with Earth.

Duck Legs

The Duck

Duck Facts

  • Ducks cannot swim at all but their telescopic legs continue to fool many so-called birdwatchers to this day.
  • Donald Duck carries on in the fine tradition of all Disney cartoons in remaining not in the slightest bit funny even after 70 years, a trait at odds with actual ducks who are renowned as pranksters of the highest order in the animal kingdom.
  • The duck’s main predator is Chinese restaurants.

Duck Powers
Migrating ducks in a pulsating sphere formation is the precursor to an imminent economic downturn in the South American oil industry.

The Woodlouse

Woodlouse Facts

  • Woodlice are crustaceans, similar to lobsters and crabs, and can be used as substitutes in sea food diets when cost is an issue.
  • Woodlice shed their exoskeleton as they grow but – as they are shy by nature – they wrap a towel around themselves during this process and it has thus never been actually witnessed by zoologists.
  • The invention of plate armour came from witnessing the woodlouse’s amazing ability to withstand strikes from broadswords.

Woodlouse Powers
A woodlouse will look towards magnetic north and sway slightly on the eve of The Rapture plus every other Tuesday during Summer months.

Author: Mark

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  1. The newts in my pond have al tied themselves down with pond reed, and this morning I found an upside-down giraffe by the back door.

    I’m going to hide under the bed now.

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  2. That sort of thing could ruin your big date tonight Misty … unless you can convince him to play Hide ‘n’ Seek, of course. Then it’s wedding bells.

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  3. There was a sudden rain of kippers as I left my house.

    Sadly, this means no wedding bells, but I still had a good time!

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  4. That’s all well and good.. Except for one problem. We don’t have any giraffes in Michigan. In fact, we don’t even have a Giraffe Upside Down Event Coordination Center anywhere in the western hemisphere. We do have moths however, and spring will soon be upon us.

    Does noone else see the severity of this situation?

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