If there’s one thing that writing my Pictures Of Jentina article back in June of 2004 has taught me it’s that I’m not that bad at optimising my site and content in order to draw people in, people like to see pictures of celebrities (artistic licence for use of the word "celebrities";bear with me), and children these days are uncapable of spelling. Okay, that’s three things. And uncapable was deliberate.
Anyway, hot on the heels of that Jentina post (or nearly a year later if you want to get all technical and accurate about it) comes the next in my thrilling series: Pictures Of Semi-Famous People ‘N’ 100% True Facts ‘N’ Stuff. It was a difficult choice selecting a new beneficiary for this series but in the end I chose Lady Sovereign. There were a number of reasons why I chose Lady Sovereign but the main one was an attempt to stop people still leaving comments on the Jentina article: it’s been eleven months people! Stop it already! I know most of you couldn’t spell if your life depended on it but I was harbouring a small hope that you knew what dates were, what they looked like, and in what approximate order they tended to appear.
So, on with this entry where I’ve promised to show Lady Sovereign pictures and reveal information about the diminutive singer never before revealed or even made up!
FACT: Lady Sovereign was raised by a family of magicians in London’s beautiful ghetto of Wembley. A fully paid-up member of the magic circle to this day, she uses many of the tricks she has been taught from an early age to distract and entertain people, the most notable being always standing behind a convex lens to appear larger than her true 2’7" frame.
FACT: Lady Sovereign and Jentina are locked in an eternal struggle of good versus evil, right versus wrong, shellsuits versus tracksuits, Wiley-Kit versus Wiley-Kat, Knight Rider versus Are You Being Served? They meet every Saturday night and wrestle in mud with razor blade-studded mittens but nobody is allowed to watch. I have a secret video though but it makes me feel funny when I watch it and I couldn’t possibly share it with a stranger.
FACT: Although she is not allowed to drive a car for security reasons (and because boxes strapped to the feet, while amusing in Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom, are frowned upon by Her Majesty’s traffic police), Lady Sovereign is permitted to take her fleet of dirigibles out whenever she wants. Last year she fell through a timehole above Harrods and helped to defend London from an air raid by the dastardly hun.
FACT: Lady Sovereign has supported Basement Jaxx. She bought one of their t-shirts.
FACT: Quite often people will visit neOnbubble while trying to find the lyrics to "Sad Arse Strippa" or one of several hundred other spelling variants. You won’t find them on this site. I’m not sure if the song was ever released properly and it’s a shame if that’s the case because there simply aren’t enough tracks in the music charts with arse in the title. Roy Orbison’s 1977 success with "Breakin’ Up All Night Blue Arse" is a notable exception.
FACT: Lady Sovereign would receive more traffic to her website if she was called "Lady Sovrin". Seriously. How many of her fans do you think can actually spell her name? There’s a silent ‘g’ in there! A silent ‘g’! Kids these days have trouble spelling loud letters let alone silent ones.
FACT: The next song to be released as a single by Lady Sovereign will be "9 To 5". It is a reworking of the Dolly Parton song used in the film of the same name. Sov is a big fan of the country and western singer’s and would like to open her own themepark, just like Dolly, in the future. It will possibly be called This Is Lady Sovereign’s Themepark Please Come In but that’s just a working title.
FACT: Lady Sov’s favourite television channel is CNN. She gets all the ideas for her songs from watching the news headlines. Recent track "Random" was about the uprising and violent quelling of protests in Uzbekistan, whereas earlier track "Shhh!" was inspired by trying to watch the stock exchange ticker scroll along the bottom while an anchorman talked about farming subsidies for Argentinian gauchos.
FACT: Lady Sovereign has supported Dizzee Rascal. He mistook her for a footstool.
FACT: It’s very difficult for Lady Sovereign to go out in public without being mobbed or asked for an autograph or asked if she wants to buy some lighters, three for a pound. Subsequently, she spends most of her time in a hole under her mum’s house. She is fed through a straw and allowed one magazine a week but no more otherwise she gets overexcited and it’s impossible to get her to sleep.
FACT: Her best experience while touring occurred last year backstage at a festival when she spotted Justin Timberlake and Donny Osmond playing a table tennis doubles match against N.W.A.’s Eazy-E and Paris Hilton. Eazy’s death in 1995 lends credence to the theory that she was standing too close to the freshly-painted Oasis enclosure at the time.
FACT: There is quite possibly a wealth of information about the star and her fans on the Lady Sovereign Forum but you will need better eyesight than me to be able to read any of it. It hurts! Make the pain stop!
FACT: Lady Sovereign has supported D12. She waved a placard proclaiming their innocence in the bombing of a group of nuns that took place in China.
FACT: Many people will probably be looking for new pictures of Lady Sovereign when they visit this page and will be disappointed that there is nothing of value here; I’m sorry but that’s pretty much the point of this site. I have no doubt that many understandable perverts will be after nude photos of the singer too. To all these people I can only apologise this far into the article too safe in the knowledge none of you are probably reading it.
FACT: To get her distinctive singing style Lady Sovereign spent six months living with zebras in a zoo in El Salvador. She later claimed that she had been kidnapped and held for ransom by La Hachaduran freedom fighters but this was just to earn street cred. Really, she just wanted to sing like the zebras do.
FACT: Mike Skinner of The Streets is reputedly a fan of Lady Sovereign. He has photos of her all over the back of his toilet door. And that’s not all he has on the back of his toilet door if you know what I mean! Huh?! Huh?! He also has a coat hook and a handle that, when turned, opens the door and allows him to leave.
FACT: Lady Sovereign has supported Obie Trice. She comforted him after the death of his woodlouse Bernard.