Pictures of Jentina

19 Jun 2004 13:07 by Mark

Ever since I linked to this article about Jentina this site has been hit with an increasing number of searches for "pictures of Jentina." A cruel, evil, twisted madman with hate in his soul, venom in his blood, and psychopathic goblins controlling his bodily functions might try to take advantage of this traffic and concoct some poorly-formed article about the young singer in the hope of drawing in more and more of the fans desperate to gaze in awe at the next big thing to hit the UK charts for no reason other than spite. This insane genius might litter his article with phrases such as "Jentina, naked!" or "topless photos of Jentina" because he suspects that many of the "fans" are actually "perverts." Or male, which amounts to the same thing.

As pure, unadulterated, bad luck would have it I am half evil on my mother's side.



So, for those who don't know, let's fill in some details about singing "sensation" Jentina and we'll also make a bit of an effort to stop enclosing everything in "quotation marks" as it can "get" annoying when overdone or done wr"ongl"y.

Jentina is one of fourteen children to a Romany mum. We don't know anything about her dad and just because her mum is Romany and she has thirteen siblings it would not be fair to simply assume that neither does she. Mildly amusing and quite probable, but not fair. She grew up in Surrey which, for those who don't know, is one of the posher areas of England. It could well have been the fact that being part of an extensive family of gypsies burning things and pissing on Aston Martins in the centre of Guildford city centre is what helped get her noticed. But it's just as likely that music producers are drawn to voids where talent is absent like moths to a collapsing binary star system inhabited by other moths with a string of bad luck that sees their binary star systems collapse with alarming regularity.

Bad Ass Strippa is the single whose release is imminent and whose video can be seen on The Box and Kiss if you're unlucky enough to be flicking past at the wrong time on the way to Kerrang. You can also see the video to the song on Jentina's website. The song tells the story of Strippa, an ass bought by the poor villagers of Kingston Upon Thames with their combined savings to help them transport their wares to Olde Londone Towne. Strippa, despite being an ass, was as stubborn as a mule and as wily as the wily donkey, and ate the villagers' wares before selling the villagers into sexual slavery in East Timor and retiring to St Tropez. What a bad ass! Jentina laments the villagers' fate and highlights the calculating intellect of Strippa but stops short of completing the traditional folktale which sees the ass hanged and barbecued by the French for misuse of a beret.

FACT: Jentina's name is a bastardisation of the phrase "Get in 'ere!" often shouted by her mum when she hip-hopped too far from the caravan. Jentina's brothers and sisters are called Whypyerarz, Geroffim, Putitdan, Poolyapantzup, Gedditoutchamoufnow, Crappineckanovawon, Farcorfatside, Yewfarcorfatsidazwel, Gosteelsumdinnah, Yewazamistayk, Yerfilfybleeda, Stopplayenwivit, and Tony.

FACT: Jentina has a hard corps of fans called the Jentina Posse. All four of them go to the same school in Woking.



FACT: Jentina has a phobia of lemons and has a recurring dream where she is used as a cocktail stirrer in a giant gin and tonic with ice and a slice.

FACT: Jentina has five tortoises. She arranges them in a pentagram around her when she needs inspiration for lyrics. The youngest tortoise, Ethel, was responsible for the line "You be getting jiggy when you listen to my rhythm" in Bad Ass Strippa.

FACT: Pictures of Jentina are hard to come by at the moment but just mentioning them will help ensnare more fans/perverts.

FACT: Jentina does not strip in the video to her song Bad Ass Strippa. She doesn't slide up and down a pole or perform a lapdance either. At one point she pretends her hand is a phone though so that's okay.

FACT: The Cadillac Escalade immortalised in the lyrics to Jentina's song Bad Ass Strippa has ultrasonic rear parking assist, road-sensing suspension, a 345 horsepower V8 engine, and a complimentary sachet of wet wipes in the glove compartment to remove baby oil after a hard day's stripping.

FACT: Jentina invented the Retard Flail dance seen briefly in the video to Bad Ass Strippa. Royalty payments from this invention alone will make her a millionaire by the time she's 973.



FACT: There really are no decent Jentina pictures - certainly not enough to create a Jentina gallery - and I should probably stop mentioning them.

FACT: Jentina's debut album is set for release in September. Her "Best Of" compilation album is due out in the same month.