Read more about Operation Yellow Elephant by clicking this here link here.
Republicans are NOT cowards!
I know that I quite often start a post off with a blatant lie but in this case I’m being deadly serious. I truly believe that Republicans are not cowards. Really. Admittedly, the evidence would seem to bear out the alternative view – and I’m sure many Republicans would agree if they weren’t changing their underwear at the time – since the general consensus is that most – if not all – Republicans are hypocritical and immoral pansies, control freaks with no backbones, sheep in vegetative states, and they smell too. However, this wide-ranging and mostly accurate generalisation only tells the vast majority of the truth. I firmly believe that inside each and every mindless Republican there really is a spark of integrity kept alive by a draught of toxin-laden air that isn’t stripped away to feed the cancerous growths of vile inhumanity so prevalent.
The problem has always been that belief in something with no foundation to support it is easy to dismiss and difficult to gather support for. This doesn’t stop your average fundamentalist or Republican from attempting to do so but that’s because moronicity is a prerequisite for both particular social and political leanings. I’m not a moron according to my most recent tests so my belief that Republicans, like Darth Vader, still can be saved has, until now, remained a private matter, something I never bothered anyone else with knowing that its inherent basis in insanity was something that other people – of whom I care about deeply – really needn’t be concerned about. Luckily, a better person than I (it’s true; one exists), a true patriot among patriots, a devoutly heterosexual leader among men of all creeds and colours (*terms and conditions apply), has devised a method by which my very personal belief can be proven. It’s nice to know that you’re not alone so General JC Christian I thank you from the bottom of my heart. But not the heart of my bottom.
Operation Yellow Elephant is a project that aims to reignite that sputtering human decency that I simply know has to be inside each and every young Republican who simultaneously wholeheartedly supports the Global War On Terror™ and wholeheartedly supports Hoping Someone Else Will Sacrifice A Limb Or Three For Freedom™. Let me say again: Mostly, Republicans are not cowards! Mostly.
Military recruitment is in dire peril and attempts to make it look otherwise by altering the figures were sadly spotted. Are you a Republican who could fight for your country? Are you a Republican parent whose son or daughter is of or close to military age? Read on to see how enlisting in the greatest army in the world – the Free American Lightly Armoured Freedom Force For Freedom Army – can benefit your entire life!
Shutting Up Democrats
It’s hard being a Republican, being the most-reviled subspecies on the planet, knowing in the core of your blackened heart that everything you do is open to ridicule, everything you say almost entirely based on fiction, and that your carelessness and lack of tolerance will come back and bite you later in this life or real soon in the next one. Every day you can feel dark, ethereal tendrils snaking further into your soul and you hate more things more quickly and you like the feeling more and more. On the plus side you dress nice.
Those Democrats, huh? They’ve always got an answer, haven’t they? They call you a hypocrite and you tell them that’s not true. And one day soon you’ll look the word up and really give it to them. Don’t you want to say something – anything – or make one little gesture, something that will completely and totally leave those bleeding liberal do-gooders dumbfounded? Haven’t you tossed and turned at night thinking "If only I’d said that or pointed out that or kicked them in those!" but it’s always too late? Don’t you want to do something that will make Democrats stand open-mouthed? You can.
Republicans, enlist in the American Army. Not the navy because of their shipboard orgiastic lifestyles. Not the air force because of Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer. It has to be the army or you will have lost The War On Being Gutless. Enlist and then walk up to as many Democrats in any breaks between your perpetual cycles of tours of duty and say "I support the war, I support our dear leader George W. Bush, and I’m in the army, so there!"
State-Of-The-Art Equipment And Advantages
Don’t think for one second that fighting for the benefit of your political leaders’ outside interests in a country where you will be shot at on a daily basis and see many of your friends blown to pieces is as dangerous as occasionally reported in the "And finally …" sections of news broadcasts. It’s not!
Republican management – the best type of management money can lubricate – has ensured you’ll be kitted out with protective clothing capable of stopping most types of bullets aimed in your general direction and many of your internal organs won’t be completely beyond saving. Your lowly enemy will have no such luxury! How is this possible without spending taxpayers’ money? Simple! The American Army allows you to buy good quality equipment yourself! With your own money! That’s right: unhappy with standard-issue anti-flak elbow patches? Pop down to Walmart before departure and pick up the latest in all-over body armour. Designed to protect drunken hunters from other drunken hunters, you’ll still find that Uncle Sam’s military leaders are more than happy for you to kit yourself out in superior equipment to that of your fellow soldiers. For your safety. Because they care.
The Democrats might have given everyone the same chance and equipped every man and woman with the best that extra taxation could buy but that’s not the Republican way. Your parents and you deserve every advantage you can afford. Be the one who only loses an arm when the carefully-coordinated attack on your Bradley fighting vehicle by the panicky and ineffective insurgency blows it to smithereens.
Winner: You! And taxpayers!
Become Insanely Wealthy
Army pay is pretty good and there are numerous bonuses you can receive too. Most of these are tied into returning your issued equipment in the same state you received it (admittedly unlikely) or if you have a particular skill of use in the fight for freedom (accountants, lawyers, and car dealership-owners are, sadly, not in the list marked "highly sought-after").
The real money won’t start to flood in until you are finally allowed to leave the army and join up with a private security firm instead. Expect to earn ten times your salary with flexible working hours. Wow!
Reports that it is next to impossible to leave the army once you join up are nothing but scaremongering truths spread by Democrats. As a patriotic Republican you must feel absolutely free to believe that you will be treated differently. Because you’re special.
Winner: You! And your next of kin!
Fantastic Future Job Prospects
What employer isn’t going to jump at the chance to hire a jittery ex-infantryman who suffers from night terrors, walks with his back to the wall at all times, and shot the receptionist just prior to the interview because the tan she received on her holiday in Bermuda was mighty, mighty suspicious? All of them. However, your lightning reflexes and many deep-rooted psychoses picked up from continually avoiding being sniped and witnessing the carnage caused from killing innocent – yet potentially capable of assisting terrorists after school – people mean that no employer will dare to turn you down.
You can work for anyone!
What happens if you’re rendered paraplegic before you’re able to cultivate a manic personality change and subject your family, friends, and colleagues to constant fear? Guilt factor and disability payments! Ker-ching!
Winner: You! And patriotic manufacturers of wheelchair ramps!
Help Save President Bush From Justice
There are some people who want to impeach George W. Bush even though all he’s done wrong is plan to invade Iraq and install a puppet government from the moment he stole power, lie to the American people, be responsible for the deaths of over one thousand seven hundred Americans, and over ten thousand wounded, and be responsible for the deaths of tens of thousands of men, women, and children whose only crime was to have been born in Iraq. What was his extra-marital blowjob count total though? That’s right: none!
As more and more evidence of lying and corruption surface implicating George W. Bush and the Republican Administration in illegal activity after illegal activity only a resounding and swift victory in Iraq looks likely to dominate the airwaves enough to whitewash the feelings of the majority of Americans, of whom over 60% now believe he’s a complete twat.
That’s where you – young, Republican patriot – come in. Help achieve that victory or watch the Democrats take back the power that was stolen from them and send President Bush to jail for crimes against humanity.
Winner: George W. Bush!
"I’m a Republican and I support the war but I’m a bit busy at the moment although I’m definitely not a chicken-shit coward, it’s just that my education and career are quite important, and I’d like to and all, but, really, there’s this nice Republican girl I just met from a good family and long-distance romances never work out, and love is very important because Jesus said so, and, anyway, there are far better people who are probably much better at shooting Arabs than I’ll ever be, and I wouldn’t want to deprive a latino immigrant from a job and funding for his education, and my family would be really upset if anything happened to me, but I’m happy to put a bumper sticker on my new car when daddy buys it or harass supporters of peace, okay?"
American Democrats: help Republicans to help themselves and help your country. Help Operation Yellow Elephant at Jesus’ General today.