Operation Yellow Elephant

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Operation Yellow ElephantRepublicans are NOT cowards!

I know that I quite often start a post off with a blatant lie but in this case I’m being deadly serious. I truly believe that Republicans are not cowards. Really. Admittedly, the evidence would seem to bear out the alternative view – and I’m sure many Republicans would agree if they weren’t changing their underwear at the time – since the general consensus is that most – if not all – Republicans are hypocritical and immoral pansies, control freaks with no backbones, sheep in vegetative states, and they smell too. However, this wide-ranging and mostly accurate generalisation only tells the vast majority of the truth. I firmly believe that inside each and every mindless Republican there really is a spark of integrity kept alive by a draught of toxin-laden air that isn’t stripped away to feed the cancerous growths of vile inhumanity so prevalent.

The problem has always been that belief in something with no foundation to support it is easy to dismiss and difficult to gather support for. This doesn’t stop your average fundamentalist or Republican from attempting to do so but that’s because moronicity is a prerequisite for both particular social and political leanings. I’m not a moron according to my most recent tests so my belief that Republicans, like Darth Vader, still can be saved has, until now, remained a private matter, something I never bothered anyone else with knowing that its inherent basis in insanity was something that other people – of whom I care about deeply – really needn’t be concerned about. Luckily, a better person than I (it’s true; one exists), a true patriot among patriots, a devoutly heterosexual leader among men of all creeds and colours (*terms and conditions apply), has devised a method by which my very personal belief can be proven. It’s nice to know that you’re not alone so General JC Christian I thank you from the bottom of my heart. But not the heart of my bottom.

Operation Yellow Elephant is a project that aims to reignite that sputtering human decency that I simply know has to be inside each and every young Republican who simultaneously wholeheartedly supports the Global War On Terror™ and wholeheartedly supports Hoping Someone Else Will Sacrifice A Limb Or Three For Freedom™. Let me say again: Mostly, Republicans are not cowards! Mostly.

Military recruitment is in dire peril and attempts to make it look otherwise by altering the figures were sadly spotted. Are you a Republican who could fight for your country? Are you a Republican parent whose son or daughter is of or close to military age? Read on to see how enlisting in the greatest army in the world – the Free American Lightly Armoured Freedom Force For Freedom Army – can benefit your entire life!

Shutting Up Democrats
It’s hard being a Republican, being the most-reviled subspecies on the planet, knowing in the core of your blackened heart that everything you do is open to ridicule, everything you say almost entirely based on fiction, and that your carelessness and lack of tolerance will come back and bite you later in this life or real soon in the next one. Every day you can feel dark, ethereal tendrils snaking further into your soul and you hate more things more quickly and you like the feeling more and more. On the plus side you dress nice.

Those Democrats, huh? They’ve always got an answer, haven’t they? They call you a hypocrite and you tell them that’s not true. And one day soon you’ll look the word up and really give it to them. Don’t you want to say something – anything – or make one little gesture, something that will completely and totally leave those bleeding liberal do-gooders dumbfounded? Haven’t you tossed and turned at night thinking "If only I’d said that or pointed out that or kicked them in those!" but it’s always too late? Don’t you want to do something that will make Democrats stand open-mouthed? You can.

Republicans, enlist in the American Army. Not the navy because of their shipboard orgiastic lifestyles. Not the air force because of Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer. It has to be the army or you will have lost The War On Being Gutless. Enlist and then walk up to as many Democrats in any breaks between your perpetual cycles of tours of duty and say "I support the war, I support our dear leader George W. Bush, and I’m in the army, so there!"

Winner: You!

State-Of-The-Art Equipment And Advantages
Don’t think for one second that fighting for the benefit of your political leaders’ outside interests in a country where you will be shot at on a daily basis and see many of your friends blown to pieces is as dangerous as occasionally reported in the "And finally …" sections of news broadcasts. It’s not!

Republican management – the best type of management money can lubricate – has ensured you’ll be kitted out with protective clothing capable of stopping most types of bullets aimed in your general direction and many of your internal organs won’t be completely beyond saving. Your lowly enemy will have no such luxury! How is this possible without spending taxpayers’ money? Simple! The American Army allows you to buy good quality equipment yourself! With your own money! That’s right: unhappy with standard-issue anti-flak elbow patches? Pop down to Walmart before departure and pick up the latest in all-over body armour. Designed to protect drunken hunters from other drunken hunters, you’ll still find that Uncle Sam’s military leaders are more than happy for you to kit yourself out in superior equipment to that of your fellow soldiers. For your safety. Because they care.

The Democrats might have given everyone the same chance and equipped every man and woman with the best that extra taxation could buy but that’s not the Republican way. Your parents and you deserve every advantage you can afford. Be the one who only loses an arm when the carefully-coordinated attack on your Bradley fighting vehicle by the panicky and ineffective insurgency blows it to smithereens.

Winner: You! And taxpayers!

Become Insanely Wealthy
Army pay is pretty good and there are numerous bonuses you can receive too. Most of these are tied into returning your issued equipment in the same state you received it (admittedly unlikely) or if you have a particular skill of use in the fight for freedom (accountants, lawyers, and car dealership-owners are, sadly, not in the list marked "highly sought-after").

The real money won’t start to flood in until you are finally allowed to leave the army and join up with a private security firm instead. Expect to earn ten times your salary with flexible working hours. Wow!

Reports that it is next to impossible to leave the army once you join up are nothing but scaremongering truths spread by Democrats. As a patriotic Republican you must feel absolutely free to believe that you will be treated differently. Because you’re special.

Winner: You! And your next of kin!

Fantastic Future Job Prospects
What employer isn’t going to jump at the chance to hire a jittery ex-infantryman who suffers from night terrors, walks with his back to the wall at all times, and shot the receptionist just prior to the interview because the tan she received on her holiday in Bermuda was mighty, mighty suspicious? All of them. However, your lightning reflexes and many deep-rooted psychoses picked up from continually avoiding being sniped and witnessing the carnage caused from killing innocent – yet potentially capable of assisting terrorists after school – people mean that no employer will dare to turn you down.

Operation Yellow ElephantYou can work for anyone!

What happens if you’re rendered paraplegic before you’re able to cultivate a manic personality change and subject your family, friends, and colleagues to constant fear? Guilt factor and disability payments! Ker-ching!

Winner: You! And patriotic manufacturers of wheelchair ramps!

Help Save President Bush From Justice
There are some people who want to impeach George W. Bush even though all he’s done wrong is plan to invade Iraq and install a puppet government from the moment he stole power, lie to the American people, be responsible for the deaths of over one thousand seven hundred Americans, and over ten thousand wounded, and be responsible for the deaths of tens of thousands of men, women, and children whose only crime was to have been born in Iraq. What was his extra-marital blowjob count total though? That’s right: none!

As more and more evidence of lying and corruption surface implicating George W. Bush and the Republican Administration in illegal activity after illegal activity only a resounding and swift victory in Iraq looks likely to dominate the airwaves enough to whitewash the feelings of the majority of Americans, of whom over 60% now believe he’s a complete twat.

That’s where you – young, Republican patriot – come in. Help achieve that victory or watch the Democrats take back the power that was stolen from them and send President Bush to jail for crimes against humanity.

Winner: George W. Bush!

Any Questions?
"I’m a Republican and I support the war but I’m a bit busy at the moment although I’m definitely not a chicken-shit coward, it’s just that my education and career are quite important, and I’d like to and all, but, really, there’s this nice Republican girl I just met from a good family and long-distance romances never work out, and love is very important because Jesus said so, and, anyway, there are far better people who are probably much better at shooting Arabs than I’ll ever be, and I wouldn’t want to deprive a latino immigrant from a job and funding for his education, and my family would be really upset if anything happened to me, but I’m happy to put a bumper sticker on my new car when daddy buys it or harass supporters of peace, okay?"


Loser: You!

American Democrats: help Republicans to help themselves and help your country. Help Operation Yellow Elephant at Jesus’ General today.

Author: Mark

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  1. It was Weetabix. And I don’t know. I suspect everyone.

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  2. Jasmine, you’ve painted a picture with your comment that has warped me for life. Well, warped me more.

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  3. Could i ask Jesus General if Moses was a Democrat ?as I’ve read he spoke to an inflamed Bush
    And I’ve never seen our President get angry about anything!

    Even when he was killing all those heathens (well non americans, it amounts to the same thing) in Falugha, down in Eyerac, he done it with a wisp of a smile on his face!

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  4. Damn but I love your poster! I am going to put it up on my ever-so-important blog (along with a link)–I’ll take it down if you write a song asking me to do so…

    Great stuff!


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  5. Malice, I’m sure you can find some urine-free breakfast cereal in Falluja, served at $20 per bowl (courtesy, U.S. Army) by a Halliburton contractor.

    If you’re so damn gung-ho, why aren’t you in uniform?

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  6. i auctually like George..and im an independant…
    Most article like these only articulte te fact that the facts you DO know are loosly threaded lies…seriously…
    swear to God…anyway, i just cam back from the middle east and can honeslt say it was good, everyone except the terrorists were happy we were there…

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  7. Guhwedo said …
    "i auctually like George..and im an independant…"

    Independant what, Fascist, White Supremacist, Born Again, right wing christian loony, or Brain washed retard?

    judging by the url u posted, u mus’ come under one of the categories above, though I do accept there must be a surfeit of sub categories!

    U know the dictionary definition of independent is:

    not subject to others;self reliant;free;

    All the above hardly squares with the unquestioning belief required, to accept and swallow the editorial content, of the ‘redsounding’ url u have offered

    Well here’s another url for u, and I would consider it unlikely that a ‘Newsweek’ writer, is some left-wing malcontent


    Still I’m sure that Guhwedo will be able to milk "the red under the bed" scenario, ad infinite, in an ‘independent’ way I hasten to add

    And as the house falls around our ears, we can bathe in the bliss of utter faith!

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  8. "anyway, i just cam back from the middle east and can honeslt say it was good, everyone except the terrorists were happy we were there…" wrote Guhwedo

    And that would be err… the bellboy and the receptionist, as unfortunately you decided discretion was better than valour, and cowered in your hotel for the duration of your stay
    Mindful than any travel from such sanctuary, was fraught with danger, and could emanate from numerous points in such a wider location. Like becoming a friendly fire casualty, or a beheaded hostage, or a more mundane car bomb victim

    Tell me my dear lad, did you always fantasise conversations with imaginary people, as compensation for your problem, with the inability to makes friends, or being able overcome your terror, of being able to converse with real people?

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  9. Wow! Thanks for the hat-tip for redsounding.com. I enjoyed each little remark on this neat little site. I especially liked the confusion of the US Navy’s fighter training at Miramar as depicted in Top Gun with the US Air Force fighter training. That was a clever little trick; trying to get the reader to think the author is clueless about the military. Job well done! As for the comments from ‘Dark of the Dark’ about my site (redsounding.com), I think he’s neat! However, why must I be either of the several characterizations? Why can I not be more than one? Surely you can tell from reading the articles on my site, as I’m sure you did, that I very well may be a retarded Fascists with right-wing lunatic proclivities. Such an intellectual blow as that would surely leave me reeling. After all, why should ‘Dark’ challenge an opponent through intellectual discourse when it’s much easier to call them "poopie pants" or some other brilliant label. Keep up the good work, children. And remember, while you’re at home tapping away on your little keyboards in the basement, the grownups are out defending freedom on the frontlines. Sleep well, little ones.

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  10. What? My friend i was NOT in a hotel cowering…i was part of a team that counducted counter-terrorist surveillance.
    Thats the problem you are all so quick to jump to conclusions. Truthfully, people that do not believe in the all voulenteer service have no right to laugh about the definition of freedom… (other than the fact I think its funny your paying them!…as you should of course) if you were truly so upset and relly considered this democracy such a aweful place PLEASE leave…
    I cannot find it but there is a website where people wil pay to get you off this place. After you go to the middle east, come back and tell me where you’d rather live? Its for people like thoes in Iraq and Afghanistan (and many other countries im quite sure you dont even know) that you guys can post this crap.
    Lastly, that is true about miramar, its a strictly Marine base…and there is no Air Force base auctually in San Diego….but thats just one of MANY factual errors in this little letter that you guys LOVE!!!

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  11. I think the point about the air force/marines is being overplayed – a typical right-wing technique to focus on one element ignoring the bigger picture is something we all recognize though. The fact remains that the film Top Gun featured men training to fly planes and that, as manly as that may have seemed prior to the film, Tom Cruise ruined it. Thus, suggesting the air force is not a viable option for enlistment purposes because pilots are now marked with the "Taint O’ Tom" is perfectly valid. But let’s get back to why the Republicans aren’t enlisting now, shall we? Or is that perhaps something you don’t want to talk about? Cue chicken impression.

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  12. Um.. feel free to explain how Republicans are cowards who avoid military service when the majority of people in the US military vote Republican? Were they Democrats when they signed up and somehow suddenly turned into Republicans?

    Alternately, you could try to explain how Democrats who support the invasion and occupation of Afghanistan (most of them) aren’t "Yellow Donkeys" if they haven’t signed up and requested to be sent there?

    I swear, people don’t think this stuff through. Of course the point isn’t to actually convince anyone of anything.. it’s to pat oneself on the back while masturbating the ego…


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  13. Mark

    #1 Alabama? is that how you base the REST of the nation?WOW no wonder your so wrong; picking and choosing, isn’t THAT the Liberal way?
    #2 Question in you opinion was Afghanistan necessary? We not only toppeled the horrible "government" but we also brought freedom to women and ushered in religious freedoms..if you think those are just causes then holy cow we are doing the same in Iraq..imagine that!!!
    #3 Depends on your idea of thinking things through….
    Liberals are upset that we dont provide enough aid to the Darfor region (Sudan) HOW COULD WE ONLY GIVE a billion!! Asthonishing…the money would be to help oppressed SLAVES, kinda like the same in Afghanistan and Iraq (i know they were not the same type of slaves but oppressed absolutely). Diffference is the terrorist in Sudan are striking Sudan, the Terrorist in Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, Pakistan, Uzbekistan, Kazikstan, Turkmeinistan, Lebannon…have/are attacked in some way the US. Im pretty sure your not thinking that way but instead believe with all your soul what we are doing is wrong and that by going through the U.N and doing things diplomatically we would have been right.
    Lastly, being in the military, i can attest to the fact most are republicans if only in selfish ways (Bush has given us a 29% pay raise; more than ANY other president in history) so they vote for him. I was in during the Clinton abomination and overall pay raise was about 7% in 8 years…but then the other half truly believes that what we are doing is right and we are willing to give our life for that…for you being able to write rediculous things and shit talk our nation….im glad that i can do that for you friend.

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  14. #1 Alabama? is that how you base the REST of the nation?

    Yes. Yes it is. Should I be using another state?

    #2 Question in you opinion was Afghanistan necessary? We not only toppeled the horrible "government" but we also brought freedom to women and ushered in religious freedoms..if you think those are just causes then holy cow we are doing the same in Iraq..imagine that!!!

    Nobody’s denying that "you" brought freedom to women and religious freedom to Afghanistan. The point you missed was that you didn’t finish the job and now the place has fallen to shit again. As for you doing the same things now in Iraq? Well, Iraq was a secular country where women were treated pretty equally and Saddam didn’t really care what religion you were, just gave the best jobs to his cronies. Now it’s fallen to shit. Oh. I see. That’s what you meant by "we are doing the same in Iraq". Sorry. Misunderstood.

    #3 Depends on your idea of thinking things through….

    What a great answer that wasn’t. I’ll file that away in my Big Book Of Worthless Comebacks.

    Barely comprehensible tripe.

    Please, if you’re going to try to have a discussion do try to use the Queen’s English. We invented it for a reason, you know. Seriously, it’s a very well-known language now and many of the world’s populations speak it quite fluently. Wherever you’re from doesn’t appear to be on this list and it makes it awfully difficult and occasionally hysterically funny trying to work out what you’re saying. Truly, if you cannot grasp the simplicities of grammar and spelling then how can I possibly take anything else you say seriously? Although in your case, to be fair, I’d probably ignore any well-formed diatribe too. Because I’m evil.

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  15. "Truthfully, people that do not believe in the all voulenteer service have no right to laugh about the definition of freedom.."

    Who r u, the Pope?|
    Still! let me see now err ….definition of freedom;
    able to act at will, not under compulsion or restraint, not restricted or affected, set at liberty

    "i was part of a team that counducted counter-terrorist surveillance."

    Was u now indeed, Chuh! So never left the compound then!
    Bloody Walter Mitty or should it be Blogger Mitty

    To think I had to listen to that f’kin’ arse Blair sanctimoniously condemning the Tube bombers with his mealy mouth declarations, that not only were they evil criminals, but even worse, bla de bla!
    Wish someone put a sock in it
    Jus’ don’t sink in to tosser Blair

    See Tony, err….the geezers r as dead, as they intended to be!
    And all the puerile righteous drivel u spout, don’t matter a fuck! Does it!
    Its going to bring no one back, and its gonna happen again, u waste of space
    The public school shit condemns us all to sail round the Cape on the Flying Dutchman perhaps it should be updated to the Lying Bushman!
    And by the way, Iraq is a lost cause

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  16. Bloomin’ ‘eck – with all the mud slinging, I’ve lost track of what you’re arguing about!!

    How can we tell a country how to run itself if we’re too busy arguing amongst ourselves?!!

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  17. "I auctually traveled to in order : Lebannon, Qatar, Iraq, Qatar, Kenya, Qatar, U.A.E (aka the United Arab Emmirates), Kuwait and then back"

    So that would be ur bombs then, would it m8 that killed the Lebanese former premier Rafiq Hariri and woz blamed on the Syrians and the more recent assassination attempt against Elias Murr

    Not very clever is it Mr "i was part of a team that conducted counter-terrorist surveillance".letting all n sundry know where ur CIA paymasters sent u

    N’ while ur at it perhaps you could invest some time, to download a free spell checker, (Yes I do know, but my spellin’ is intentional)


    Thats if Unkle Sam can spare u the time off, from ur low intensity operations, in keeping the world communist free
    Whats the strategy besides blowing ppl up n sayin’ it wasn’t us?
    Oh I know! arm a load of loony religious feudal peasants
    Absolutely brilliant! I don’t think that’s been tried before

    Oh fuck, here come the Chinese, n’ Sam’s arse is in a sling
    Tuff shit yanqee, as they say down in the Barrio
    Still the worlds No 4 in the Human Rights Abuse Hit Parade, will still be able to lecture n’ house train our Chinese cuzzins, on the need for rule of law, democracy and ppls individual human rights

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  18. Complete arse of the week Major Steve Warren
    OK I know its not that hard for a member of the US Military to achieve such an honour

    "BAQUBA, Iraq (Reuters) – U.S. troops opened fire on a crowded minivan north of Baghdad on Monday, (21st Nov) fearing a car bomb attack, and killed at least three members of the same family, including a child, the U.S. military and survivors said.

    The U.S. army’s 3rd Infantry Division confirmed the incident, saying its troops had opened fire after first trying to wave the minivan to a stop and then firing warning shots.

    "This is a tragedy," said Major Steve Warren, a spokesman for U.S. forces in Baquba, near where the shooting occurred.

    "But these tragedies only happen because Zarqawi and his thugs are out there driving around with car bombs," he added, referring to Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, a militant leader in Iraq."

    I think me old matey Major Steve Warren has completely forgotten to add, that had America not invaded Iraq in the first place, boggy man Zarqawi would not be cruising round looking for yankee check points to bomb

    Also its completely OK to waste three poor bloody civvies Just bleat out an apology!
    An absurdly different kettle of fish than Bro Zarqawi’s killings, coz its in the name of achieving democracy, you understand!
    Why then do I get the feeling its a bit of a lame arse dismissive excuse for some chewing gum that has unfortunately got stuck on the shoe of the American imperialistic Juggernaut?

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