I am not Jimmy Osmond

Anni wanted to see pictures of me. Anni is a deranged a dangerous person. I wouldn’t normally give such a request more than a passing thought before shooting it down in flames with a sharp and witty retort but … I have seen pictures of her and, well, I haven’t been updating as much recently and, well, hell, why not?

The only problem is that there aren’t many photos of me and I’m terribly shy. We’ll have to do with some old pictures and a bit of artistic licence mixed with photoshoppery goodness if that’s okay.

Here goes:

I’ve had to watermark these images. I’d hate for them to get out and be mistaken for other people.

Aged somewhere between 1 and 4 (I can’t tell how old kids are even when I’m the kid in question) and the only person in my household with a clean driving licence. Still got it. This early introduction to cars and jumpers with skiing patterns on them helped see me safely through the transitional period of puberty later in life and helps to explain why I couldn’t care less about cars (I own a Punto for Christ’s sake!) and why skiing holds no appeal at all.

This is actually me in a car. Really. The next picture is worse though.

That picture above really was me.

The picture below really – I swear – is me too. I wouldn’t make this up. Nobody would make this up.

It’s hard to believe that I’m a fashion guru now, setting trends all over the place, advising Derek Zoolander on new looks, and helping Jean Paul Gaultier out when he’s stuck for wacky ideas when this was the start in life my parents gave me. Tartan from the MacShitstain clan in a delightful juxtaposition with horizontal stripes of red and blue: why, it’s a bloody miracle that nobody has tried to copy this look since the seventies!

This is Mark, the owner of neOnbubble. This explains why he is sometimes thought of as 'touched'

It’s possible that having the picture taken above is one of the reasons that from this point on there aren’t any of me without two fingers raised or my hand conveniently in front of my face. Or my life is a lie and I’m a robot with a badly-constructed past. Or it could be a coincidence. In any event you’ll just have to take my word for it that I simply grew to resemble Little Jimmy Osmond from this point onwards. For many years I looked just like the photo below: I refused to appear in colour.

This is not Mark, the owner of neOnbubble. Unless you squint.

Extrapolating from this point we can see that I must still clearly bear some form of resemblance to the smallest of the Osmonds in big form. So you’ll have to use you imagination and picture me as similar to this:

That’s a reconstruction of when I was part of the original crew for Apollo 11. Everything was fine right up until the day before launch when I was told the helmet really wouldn’t fit no matter how much vaseline they put inside. That bastard Michael Collins took my place. I had my revenge though. I sabotaged Apollo 13. Then Tom Hanks got famous. I guess the last laugh’s on me.

And that’s me on the set of Buck Rogers where I played Twiki. God I hated Dr Goodfellow. I could have strangled him. And with the mask on every one of Buck’s curves were accentuated. But then again, so were Wilma’s. Hubba, hubba.

And here’s Marie Osmond: the big sister I never had. Which is pretty handy come to think of it because damn! She’s hot! Man, if I’d had a sister like her I’d have turned out warped.

Marie Osmond. Yum.

I wonder who the cutie on the right is.

Author: Mark

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7 Comments

  1. My neighbours think someone is abusing me, the screams coming from my flat.

    Those dungarees are pure child abuse!

    You looked a cutie in the Christmas sweater though.

    Didn’t every mother of similar aged boys tell them they looked just like Jimmy Osmond?

    Very disappointed there’s no mullet though.

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    • The 45 year old plump lady at the grocery store certainly thought I looked like Jimmy Osmand. I about had a heart attack thinking, “am I that freaking fat”.

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  2. Oh, and thanks. And a very accurate mental image you have of me I see!

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  3. I’ve just been having a closer look at those dungarees (a bit like slowing down to look at an accident – it’s just got to be done).

    The ring pull for the zipped front is a nice touch.

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  4. I THINK THAT MY FAVEOURITE SINGING OSMOND IS JIMMY BIG BROTHER DONNY I THINK DONNY IS A LOVELY LOOKING MAN AND I THINK HES SO HANDSOME BECAUSE HE CAN SING BETTER THAN JIMMY OSMOND AND I SAY THIS IN THE NAME OF OSMOND POWER OSMONDS RULE FOREVER OK FROM SUSAN DUNCAN

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  5. I THINK THAT DONNY OSMOND WHO IS MY FAVEOURITE SINGING OSMOND IS A LOT BETTER THAN IS YOUNGER LITTLE BROTHER JIMMY OSMOND I LIKE ALL THE REST OF THE OSMONDS BECAUSE THEY CAN ALL SING IN TUNE BUT NOT THEIR JIMMY THE ONLY SONG JIMMY OSMOND KNOW IS LONG HAIRED LOVER FROM LIVERPOOL WHICH I CANT NOT STAND THAT SONG BUT I DO LOVE ANY OSMOND SONG CALLED PUPPY LOVE AND BREEZE ON BYE BY JIMMYS BIG BROTHER DONNY IS MY FAVEOURITE OSMOND DONNY AND THE OSMONDS RULE FOREVER OK AND DONNY OSMOND IS KING OF POP

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  6. Susan … What you want to do is look to the left of the ‘A’ button on your keyboard and you’ll see a slightly longer button with the words ‘Caps Lock’ on it. You just go right ahead and give that button a quick press. It’s what Donny Osmond would want you to do.

    Then, when you’ve mastered the fine art of ‘Not Typing Everything In Capitals’ you’ll be ready to rush down to your local bookstore and hunt down a book called ‘The Osmonds Explain Just What The Hell Punctuation Is And Where You Should Use It (Illustrated Edition)’

    From there you’re probably only six to nine years away from being able to communicate properly with "real people." Best of luck with that.

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