There’s danger from terrorists and terriers and terrapins and residents of Terra Haute, Indiana all around. Where will you be safe? New York, that’s where.
New York, New York: the city so brain-damaged they named it twice. The Big Apple: perhaps because it has a green skin over most of it. The City That Never Sleeps! Let this be a lesson to any other civic authorities thinking of adding amphetamines to the drinking water.
Soon, New York, New York, New York will become host to yet another title: The Safest Place On Earth!
How will this be? I sense you think. Will everyone be electronically tagged and barcoded and attached to chains and followed by hover cameras? Will the amphetamines be phased out in favour of pr.0Za.c (I think that’s how it’s spelt these days)? Will a spray be invented that converts graffiti to foam padding and the streets be filled with coloured balls to a depth of three feet?
The answer to all these questions is yes, eventually, but, more importantly in the short term, New York, New York, New York, New York is contemplating banning the use of cameras on the subway.
Why will this make the city safe? I sense you think. I’m in a thought-sensing mood in case you can’t tell. I sense you can tell. Well, apparently, taking pictures on the subway system could aid terrorists. No, really. Photographic art will be used by the terrorists to hone their lurching, shouting, peeing-on-seats, and groping passengers skills making them effectively invisible from otherwise alert patrons of the trains on the look-out for shifty, bearded people with suspiciously suicidal looks in their eyes and suspiciously bomb-shaped bags in their hands.
I’m glad that New York, New York, New York, New York, New York is thinking about taking this action for our safety. Yes, it will put a lot of upskirt photo websites out of business but that’s a small price to pay to know that the man who just stole your purse and rubbed his penis on your thigh wasn’t a foreigner opposed to the government.
I know that some of you may have misgivings about this possible change in the law. Some of you might even be wondering whether banning invading and interfering with foreign countries (yes, interfering in that way) and banning all weapons might not be better ways to prevent aiding terrorism but that’s just the sort of communist-thinking I’ve come to expect from you. You filthy traitor.
I, a patriotic, young (okay, not so young) man (but I am all man; I have a certificate and everything), have no such doubts. I applaud the lawmakers of New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York and can’t wait until other cities around the world follow its lead. In fact, I think they could probably go further still.
Ban King Kong
King Kong doesn’t make a good first impression. He’s big, he’s hairy, and he likes climbing tall things with women under his arms while munching on bananas. Admittedly, these could all be used to describe Brian Blessed but there are big differences between the two. King Kong rarely says "Gordon’s alive!?!!?" and aircraft have never been dispatched to shoot down Brian from the roof of a skyscraper.
There are good reasons to tolerate King Kong: the tourism industry needs all the help it can get after Sex And The City and Friends have both come to an end, giant gorilla poo makes great manure and helps keep Central Park verdant, and an eligible bachelor is worth his weight in gold to the many single women of the city.
However, when Kong beats his chest and climbs a building everyone watches and while everyone’s watching … terrorists may strike! For this reason it is imperative that the hairy one is prohibited from entry within the city limits. And I’d recommend keeping King Kong away too. Ha ha, did you see that? I made out I was referring to Brian Blessed again but I wasn’t really. I kill me sometimes.
Ban Kurt Russell Movies
Not all terrorists want to kill themselves in the process of killing others. Weird but true. So, let’s assume you’re a terrorist who wants to terrorise people and then get away. You’re in New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York and you want to escape. But how?
Relax, because somebody‘s already done it. Hell, he even escaped from Los Angeles.
Now, these films may be entertaining (with the exception of the latter one which is, of course, not) but they also represent a serious security risk. Blueprints for evading capture are a headache for the people elected to make sure they know exactly where we are and what we’re up to at all times. There’s freedom of speech and then there’s freedom of letting the terrorists kill us all, reanimating our corpses using animatronic equipment liberated from George Lucas’ platinum-plated mansion and ewok museum, then forcing us to work while they dance on our freshly dug-up graves. I don’t know about you but I don’t want anything of George Lucas stuck inside me making me move involuntarily.
Banning all Kurt Russell movies may seem a little drastic on the surface but there’s not a single film he’s been in that hasn’t exposed some sort of weakness that terrorists can’t exploit; just think of the damage trucker lingo from Big Trouble In Little China could cause.
Ban Two Frank Sinatra Records
It’s a well-established fact that when Osama was planning his attack on the Great Satan he was caught in two minds as to whether to strike at Backus, Minnesota (home of a trailer on a stick) or Dunseith, North Dakota (home of the world’s largest turtle). Legend has it that he flicked the radio on and found his eardrums greeted by the crooning mafia boss himself. "I bloody hate that infidel Sinatra," he is reported as saying, adding "Let us take out New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York, New York instead."
The song in question was "My Way" and it is for that reason that both it and the other track more readily associated with the city in question should be banned. Both songs have been the causes of trouble in the past and both could be causes of terrorism in the future. Further, the former track is truly awful while the latter has spawned a terrible running gag through this post. Reason enough I sense you thinking.