Colin Farrell said ‘No’ and when Colin says ‘No’ he means ‘No’ and I should ‘No’ as I once went drinking with him at a little bar overlooking the slopes of Mount Everest. We had an enjoyable time ordering Vodka Martinis, flicking the olives at a bunch of sherpas in a sherpa training camp for action butlers underneath our balcony seats, spitting out the vile cocktail, and chugging back manly beer instead from dawn until the early evening sunset. At that time I suggested that Colin use his powers of teleportation to travel to the summit of Everest and bring back some ice so that we could fashion an ice sculpture of a swan or a flower or some other girly crud and impress the young ladies of the Melbourne Young Mountaineering Ladies Troupe who had just arrived and seemed in need of bothering. Colin said ‘No.’ I suggested again. Again he said ‘No.’ I pressured him several more times. And he said ‘No’ on each occasion. Finally he grew tired of me, transmuted into flock wallpaper and, while the patrons of the bar were distracted by the sudden appearance of a distraught action butler/future sherpa wanting to know if anyone knew how to remove olives from ears, slunk up the staircase to his room. The important thing here is that when Colin says ‘No’ he means ‘No.’
Colin said he would kill me if I ever recounted this tale or the one with the transvestite lemur but I know he didn’t mean that because he’s fully aware that I’m protected by my Shield of Anti-Colin which I picked up during our trek through Morocco on the Quest For Colin’s Purse. In your face Farrell. Do your worst.
So, Colin’s not going to be the next James Bond and Pierce isn’t going to rekindle his role. I think that’s a euphemism for masturbation but I’m not sure. Since the producers of the Bond franchise won’t bring back the best Bond ever – Timothy Dalton and I’ll murderise any one of you who disagrees – the search is on for "someone else."
Luckily for you I’ve called in a few of my favours and optioned a few blackmails I’d been saving to see just who’s in the running and why they will or won’t be likely to be chosen.
In case you don’t know who Arthur Bostrom is there’s a handy website for Arthur Bostrom at the Arthur Bostromly-titled arthurbostrom.com. Arthur Bostrom. Arthur is most well-known for his role in the critically-acclaimed BBC comedy series ‘Allo ‘Allo. Some of the acclaims from critics included "Oh God, no!" and "The French are going to kill us!" but really, it wasn’t even that good.
- The case for Arthur Bostrom: On his FAQ page he correctly points out that the meaning of life is an avocado. Sean Connery still stands by the definition "Gerroff ye English twat!" which was proved wrong by Friedrich Nietzsche in 1873. This makes Bostrum better than Connery.
- The case against Arthur Bostrom: Bostrom still lapses into his ‘Allo ‘Allo role every now and again and the delivery of "Allo, ma name is Bind, Jemes Bind" will confuse the lucrative not-a-British-granny market.
Rowan Atkinson is known around the world for his starring roles as the horrendous Mr Bean and the fantastic Mr Blackadder. In addition he has already portrayed a British secret agent in Johnny English and a series of adverts for a popular credit card. Furthermore, he is the owner of several, sporty cars including at least one Aston Martin, and possibly possesses a watch that has a built-in circular saw, roulette table, and inflatable helicopter.
- The case for Rowan Atkinson: May still possess tuxedo from Johnny English thus saving on production costs.
- The case against Rowan Atkinson: Ortega from The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living And Became Mixed-Up Zombies has more going for him looks-wise.
You know what they haven’t really explored in James Bond films? Disguises. And that’s why George Peppard, or Hannibal The Cannibal from TV’s A-Team to give him his birthname, is a perfect choice to take up the mantle and anything else that’s fallen too. What’s that? James Bond needs to dress as Godzilla in this script? No problem!
- The case for George Peppard: In Ian Fleming’s novels Bond always finishes each daring escapade with the phrase "I love it when a plan comes together" but Sean Connery refused because chauvinism was big in the sixties and seventies and Connery thought Cubby was a girl’s name. George has shown he can do what needs to be done.
- The case against George Peppard: So far we’ve had an Australian, a Scot, an Englishman, a Welshman, and an Irishman play Bond with not a joke featuring a bar or desert island in sight but it is generally considered that an American is one step too far. That, and Peppard being dead and not looking so hot. Not that I thought he looked hot. I’m not funny like that. Really.
I bet there’s a lot of young people or foreigners who are thinking "Flowhatthe Whojawhat?" right now but as a child in Englandland I was reared through the power of television by people just like Floella. Short version: she used to host children’s programmes. Think, ooh, Big Bird from Sesame Street, only less yellow, less overtly homosexual, and more female. Now that we’ve got that cleared up, why would James Bond suddenly be played by a woman? A black woman. I’ll tell you: it’s because if there’s one thing that’s a certainty in this universe it’s that no franchise is safe from ruination.
- The case for Floella Benjamin: When other Bond actors started to look a little past their prime the powers-that-be decided to replace them. Makes sense. Bond in a cardigan clutching a full colostomy bag is scary but not in the "I’m licensed to kill" way. Make sure you’re sitting down because … Floella has not aged a single day since the early 1970s! It’s voodoo, I’m telling you, and if voodoo-powered-woman-James-Bond doesn’t sound like a marketing man’s dream then I don’t know as much about the inner workings of marketing men as my experiments on cadavers during 1987 led me to believe.
- The case against Floella Benjamin: I suspect she won’t be willing to continue the tradition of seducing women. Cow.
Artificial Intelligence Construct #342-A4
Artificial Intelligence Construct #342-A4 (The ‘A’ is pronounced ‘B’ in its name; just one of its many artificial eccentricities) is an artificial intelligence construct programmed by my team of computer scientists and part-time go-go girls deep in the bowels of neOnbubble Lair X. The goal when developing Artificial Intelligence Construct #342-A4 was two-fold: firstly, it was designed to be better than Artificial Intelligence Construct #341-A4 which developed the personality of a naked televangelist and tried to launch nuclear weapons at Luxembourg when it should have been learning the important lesson that sometimes the only winning move is to fiddle the election results. Secondly, it was hoped that George Lucas would adopt it owing to its immense merchandising potential at which point the secret instruction set would be executed that would cause Artificial Intelligence Construct #342-A4 to fall in love with George and keep him locked in his millionaire’s mansion forever more. All of this is fine but it doesn’t have anything to do with James Bond but here’s the sneaky bit: nobody is reading this far down so I can write what I like. Just make it look long and uninteresting (and I’ve had plenty of experience with that particular trick all my life, ha ha, oh); that’s the way to do it. Now, just in case someone joins in right at the end of the paragraph it’s important to make it look like they haven’t missed anything so here we go with and the computer programming pathways are most suited for the Fleming-esque environment initially described in his presentations on radio which is why Roger Moore agreed to the full-frontal shot in the first place.
- The case for Artificial Intelligence Construct #342-A4: Not only is it better than George Lazenby but it can also compute 10,000 punrific chat-up lines a second!
- The case against Artificial Intelligence Construct #342-A4: 428,338 lines of Turbo COBOL are difficult to look sexy on posters. More importantly, Artificial Intelligence Construct #342-A4 crashes when introduced to sharks, rendering 86% of all past, present, and future James Bond stories worthless.