neOnbubble Discount Gems Warehouse

Are you looking for cut-price jewellery but without cut-price quality?

Then get the hell out of here!

No! Only kidding! Stay! Pull up a chair and sit your jewellery-purchasing behind down then whip out your jewellery-purchasing fingers and get ready to purchase some jewellery for yourself, your loved ones, an otherwise meat-only raffle at a church fete, to fill some crackers, or just to appease your insatiable appetite for spending money you don’t have because you want to pass on crippling debt and the stigma of having a worthless parent to your children!

CrownItem: #2934934/01
Description: Stunning Everyday Crown

Let’s start with a perfect piece of accent jewellery that works as well out shopping as it does on formal nights. Don’t be afraid to make an impact when you step out in your designer crown from neOnbubble Discount Gems Warehouse. Many of the world’s lesser-known designers have been showcasing the crown in the creations on the catwalks of Swindon, Troyes, and Newark this year. You could be the trendsetter in your housing complex if you act right now! Dazzle!

It’s so beautiful! Put any worries about weight away right now! This crown – measuring 18cm in diameter – is crafted in Lapland from our exclusive synthetic gold replacement, Goldesque. It’s 26-carat pure Goldesque so you know it’s quality but this entire piece of stunning jewellery weighs far less than you think and is suitable for anyone with even only a casual interest in weightlifting. Sparkling!

Nothing says "class" quite like large gemstones and you’ll be the classy king or queen of the classy ball with your crown featuring no less than 6 – count them! – stones of triple A-rated Glassique. Each stone has a minimum gem weight of 3 carrots. No! That’s not a typo! And at a price of under forty pounds sterling that’s a lot of stones for very few pounds! That’s an imperial measurement joke there even though the crown indicates a monarchical system but you probably didn’t get it anyway! Crowntabulous!

PendantItem: #1183939/82
Description: "Fancy" Pendant

I know you. You’re the sort of person who wants something just a little bit different. Well, you don’t get more different than this fancy pendant made from some of the fanciest pieces of rare Earth minerals found in fields, in the innards of fish, and down the backs of sofas all around the world. Golly!

That may look a bit like a peanut in there but that’s actually Peanutrine. Geologically-speaking it’s a young stone but that only adds to its rarity. Could you eat an amethyst in an emergency to survive? Perhaps. But you could definitely get an energy boost from Peanutrine. Also nice in chocolate. Yum!

Each pendant is unique although each one is made with the exact same attention to detail you only get from Sri Lankan orphans. Plasticinium, flint, created chalk, and woodenite are just some of the names you might be able to bandy about to your friends when they jump back and ask what in the name of all that’s holy is that thing around your neck. Fancy!

RingItem: #6666666/66
Description: Ring Of Certain Death

We must be mad to try to sell this ring but they don’t call us "those mad salesmen from the neOnbubble Discount Gems Warehouse who often leap naked through the flames of braziers keeping tramps warm at night just to scare the homeless bums and infuriate the dark lord" for nothing!

The ring has elements of genuine gold in it but the gold is tainted with the spirit of pure evil. A cluster of gemstones decorate the ring: two large glass eyes plucked from an evil priest, and two smaller, petrified fingernails from a traffic warden known for being just a little bit evil. The ring was forged in the fiery bowels of a demon conjured up accidentally during a Derren Brown mind-reading trick and then mugged by a couple of Romford girls and set alight. The final casting of the ring saw it set with Holy Water – Evil Holy Water – and then cursed by a lucky heather-selling gypsy with no incisors.

Each Ring Of Certain Death comes with a certificate of authenticity and a 5-day money-back guarantee that the wearer will die exactly one week after putting the ring on. Probably from dysentery as we never wash the jewellery we sell.

Author: Mark

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3 Comments

  1. Damn. I thought it said discount germs. I’m after some.

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  2. This post is a gem. I just about laughed my stones off.

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