Necrophilia for beginners

01 May 2005 12:20 by Mark

The U.S. Government is spending an awful lot of money telling people that happy, healthy sex can only come from not experiencing it, not talking about it, and not wondering until it's too late whether the person you've married with no genitalia and a fixation for thrusting his/her fist up your back passage because apparently that's what Jesus did may not have been, with hindsight, a mistake of epic, tissue-tearing, and kidney-damaging proportions. Abstinence-only is the name of the game and the end results of the game are increased unwanted pregnancies, a rise in abortions, and a massive climb in sexual diseases.

It's quite possible that the four horsemen won't appear until the rate of syphilic-ridden, two-headed, underweight babies born to barely-teenage, knowledge-lacking cum-sluts crosses a certain threshold and that this is all part of a larger moral plan I'm not privy to because I haven't read Revelations in a long time and the methods of right-wing Christians is a thankful enigma to my genius. Of course, it's also possible that the promoters of these righteous plans are merely incapable of thinking things through and like to base their physiological, psychological, scientological, and common-sensological dictates on the many-times-translated, passed-down-through-stories teachings of people who lived in areas of the world now deemed uncivilised and ripe-for-plundering out of a sense of power and greed. If the latter is true then I've got good news! I've got an alternative and that alternative is called ... Necrophilia!

Abstinence-only programmes are designed to combat the following "Evils of Sex":

• Enjoyability · Conservative Christians are incapable of enjoying sex because they do it one way only, poorly. That's not a generalisation. That's a fact! More liberal-minded people have discovered the techniques classified as Too Hot For The Bible but this puts them at odds with their distant, narrow-minded cousins. Abstinence-only promotes disappointing and painful wedding-night experiences that help to forge the idea of sex as a necessary child-manufacturing chore just like God wants.
• Abortions · You can't abort a blob of cells if you aren't pregnant, fact! And you can't get pregnant if you don't have sex and avoid using toilets where married people have been. Fact!
• Ungodly Thoughts · Having sex where the goal is not to create a baby soldier in the Army of God leads to thinking about sex where the goal is not to create a baby soldier in the Army of God and that's just one step away from molesting badgers which is expressly forbidden in Ruth chapter 6.

The problem is, of course, that despite their honest (truly, I swear, no really) goals the result is that abstinence-only programmes actually lead to more enjoyability (oral sex isn't actual sex, spying on forbidden man-monkey action isn't actual sex, masturbating over old people while they're in comas isn't actual sex, etc.), more abortions (I didn't think I could get pregnant outside marriage and downed a bottle of bourbon, praying for forgiveness after "accidental" sex didn't stop the baby quite like I believed it would, etc.), and more ungodly thoughts (all the while you can't molest a badger or find some equivalent action you'll think about it, guaranteed).

My good news is still good news! I've still got that alternative and that alternative is still called ... Necrophilia!

How will necrophilia tackle the alleged goals of ill-conceived abstinence plans and wage holy war on the "Evils of Sex"?

• Enjoyability · Even complete novices sometimes get it right and have fun but with necrophiliac sex there is a cast-iron guarantee that 50% of the couple are receiving no pleasure whatsoever!
• Abortions · Scientific tests show that conception rates among the deceased are at an all-time low. That's not an evolutionary process though; that's the work of God!
• Ungodly Thoughts · Once you start regularly climaxing with a corpse you'll discover that far from thinking in an ungodly manner your actual rate of Godly thoughts will go through the roof. Thoughts like: "Oh God, what the hell am I doing?", "Dear God, I've got coffin splinters in my arse", and "Oh sweet baby Jesus I didn't think that would snap off and get lodged in there".

If I know you half as well as anyone who rummages through your trash can then I think I've convinced you of the benefits of necrophilia but now you're thinking "Gee, Mark, I really want to have sex with a dead person (with the promise of post-mortem orgies when I get good at it) but I just don't know where to start; what books shall I read? Where do I go? Help me!" Don't worry. Helping you is what I'm here for.

Necrophilia For Beginners: Frequently Asked Questions

What is the Catholic Church's point-of-view on necrophilia?
There's a little bit in the New Testament about "rising from the grave". Look it up and imagine it's being written by someone winking and smiling and I think you'll have your answer. Just don't use a condom or you're going to hell.

Is there a danger of sexually-transmitted disease?
Absolutely not. When the body dies all form of diseases in the body die too. Instantly! Why, you could pump a bloated AIDS victim till his or her legs fell off and startled the dog and you'd be perfectly safe!

However, do remember that once a body has been in the ground for a while it can become home to moles. Despite being blind they have sharp claws and pointy teeth and have been known to tackle mountain lions when riled. Always prod your corpse partner with a coathanger thoroughly prior to any act of love.

What's the best place to find dead bodies?
Where you left them. Haha, that's a joke! But, seriously, the answer may seem obvious to many but for some it can be a tricky problem. Cemetaries contain a whole host of not-unwilling sex partners but digging them up takes a lot of effort. Not only that but you could end up playing a form of lottery; will this body have decayed beyond practical use? Will I open this coffin and find David Blaine trying to beat another boring record?

The real answer can vary from place to place. If you have any mob connections or a local syndicate near you then an arrangement could be made. Alternatively - and especially if maturity isn't an issue - alternate nights spent dressing up as the grim reaper and an ambulance driver and visiting old people's homes can reap huge dividends.

Is it true you can just add water to cremated remains and rehydrate a dead body?
Yes it is. But you must remember that both the body and the coffin are incinerated (except in respected crematoria where they remove the body and reuse the casket as part of a con trick). Subsequently, you should prepare yourself for excessively wooden partners after hydration is complete and increased splinter risk. On the plus side you might get lucky and find a good knot in a great place.

Will there be a problem with the smell?
Dead people lose all their senses - including smell - so they won't mind one bit. Haha, that's another joke! You can have that one. But if you have access to embalming fluid you might want to start sniffing it daily now.

I'm a woman. What are my necrophiliac options?
God, being a misogynist if the Bible is taken at its word, seems to have made it relatively simple for men to participate in necrophilia with just about anyone, at any time, anywhere, and in any condition. Hell, a skull will do the trick. For heterosexual ladies it's a little more tricky.

Rigor mortis is a wonderful thing with often hilarious results for morticians and crime scene investigators to laugh about but it only occurs at a relatively set time after death - allowing for normal temperature conditions - and, once the decaying process begins, lysosomal intracellular digestive enzymes begin to leak into the body and relax the tensed muscles. In laymans terms: hello Mr Floppy.

Taxidermy is the solution. You will probably find classes at a college near you. With the skills you learn you might also find that one special person who you want to share the rest of your life with and stuff the entire body rather than just the important six inches. And you could even start your own harem. So, it's not all bad for the girls.

What about zombies?
Sleeping with a dead person is a large step to take so many people take a trip to Haiti first and employ the services of a Voodoo priest to conjure up a zombie. The odour, lack of complaining, and pressure-free no-commitment sex are all there and that can help to make the minds up of ditherers. However, a zombie will shuffle and moan and try to eat your brain unless you tie it down. Personally, I find this a distraction but if you are in two minds about necrophilia then booking a zombie sex vacation at your travel agent's may be exactly what you need.