Necrophilia for beginners

ObviousThe U.S. Government is spending an awful lot of money telling people that happy, healthy sex can only come from not experiencing it, not talking about it, and not wondering until it’s too late whether the person you’ve married with no genitalia and a fixation for thrusting his/her fist up your back passage because apparently that’s what Jesus did may not have been, with hindsight, a mistake of epic, tissue-tearing, and kidney-damaging proportions. Abstinence-only is the name of the game and the end results of the game are increased unwanted pregnancies, a rise in abortions, and a massive climb in sexual diseases.

It’s quite possible that the four horsemen won’t appear until the rate of syphilic-ridden, two-headed, underweight babies born to barely-teenage, knowledge-lacking cum-sluts crosses a certain threshold and that this is all part of a larger moral plan I’m not privy to because I haven’t read Revelations in a long time and the methods of right-wing Christians is a thankful enigma to my genius. Of course, it’s also possible that the promoters of these righteous plans are merely incapable of thinking things through and like to base their physiological, psychological, scientological, and common-sensological dictates on the many-times-translated, passed-down-through-stories teachings of people who lived in areas of the world now deemed uncivilised and ripe-for-plundering out of a sense of power and greed. If the latter is true then I’ve got good news! I’ve got an alternative and that alternative is called … Necrophilia!

Abstinence-only programmes are designed to combat the following "Evils of Sex":

  • Enjoyability · Conservative Christians are incapable of enjoying sex because they do it one way only, poorly. That’s not a generalisation. That’s a fact! More liberal-minded people have discovered the techniques classified as Too Hot For The Bible but this puts them at odds with their distant, narrow-minded cousins. Abstinence-only promotes disappointing and painful wedding-night experiences that help to forge the idea of sex as a necessary child-manufacturing chore just like God wants.
  • Abortions · You can’t abort a blob of cells if you aren’t pregnant, fact! And you can’t get pregnant if you don’t have sex and avoid using toilets where married people have been. Fact!
  • Ungodly Thoughts · Having sex where the goal is not to create a baby soldier in the Army of God leads to thinking about sex where the goal is not to create a baby soldier in the Army of God and that’s just one step away from molesting badgers which is expressly forbidden in Ruth chapter 6.

The problem is, of course, that despite their honest (truly, I swear, no really) goals the result is that abstinence-only programmes actually lead to more enjoyability (oral sex isn’t actual sex, spying on forbidden man-monkey action isn’t actual sex, masturbating over old people while they’re in comas isn’t actual sex, etc.), more abortions (I didn’t think I could get pregnant outside marriage and downed a bottle of bourbon, praying for forgiveness after "accidental" sex didn’t stop the baby quite like I believed it would, etc.), and more ungodly thoughts (all the while you can’t molest a badger or find some equivalent action you’ll think about it, guaranteed).

My good news is still good news! I’ve still got that alternative and that alternative is still called … Necrophilia!

How will necrophilia tackle the alleged goals of ill-conceived abstinence plans and wage holy war on the "Evils of Sex"?

  • Enjoyability · Even complete novices sometimes get it right and have fun but with necrophiliac sex there is a cast-iron guarantee that 50% of the couple are receiving no pleasure whatsoever!
  • Abortions · Scientific tests show that conception rates among the deceased are at an all-time low. That’s not an evolutionary process though; that’s the work of God!
  • Ungodly Thoughts · Once you start regularly climaxing with a corpse you’ll discover that far from thinking in an ungodly manner your actual rate of Godly thoughts will go through the roof. Thoughts like: "Oh God, what the hell am I doing?", "Dear God, I’ve got coffin splinters in my arse", and "Oh sweet baby Jesus I didn’t think that would snap off and get lodged in there".

If I know you half as well as anyone who rummages through your trash can then I think I’ve convinced you of the benefits of necrophilia but now you’re thinking "Gee, Mark, I really want to have sex with a dead person (with the promise of post-mortem orgies when I get good at it) but I just don’t know where to start; what books shall I read? Where do I go? Help me!" Don’t worry. Helping you is what I’m here for.

Necrophilia For Beginners: Frequently Asked Questions

What is the Catholic Church’s point-of-view on necrophilia?
There’s a little bit in the New Testament about "rising from the grave". Look it up and imagine it’s being written by someone winking and smiling and I think you’ll have your answer. Just don’t use a condom or you’re going to hell.

Is there a danger of sexually-transmitted disease?
Absolutely not. When the body dies all form of diseases in the body die too. Instantly! Why, you could pump a bloated AIDS victim till his or her legs fell off and startled the dog and you’d be perfectly safe!

However, do remember that once a body has been in the ground for a while it can become home to moles. Despite being blind they have sharp claws and pointy teeth and have been known to tackle mountain lions when riled. Always prod your corpse partner with a coathanger thoroughly prior to any act of love.

More ObviousWhat’s the best place to find dead bodies?
Where you left them. Haha, that’s a joke! But, seriously, the answer may seem obvious to many but for some it can be a tricky problem. Cemetaries contain a whole host of not-unwilling sex partners but digging them up takes a lot of effort. Not only that but you could end up playing a form of lottery; will this body have decayed beyond practical use? Will I open this coffin and find David Blaine trying to beat another boring record?

The real answer can vary from place to place. If you have any mob connections or a local syndicate near you then an arrangement could be made. Alternatively – and especially if maturity isn’t an issue – alternate nights spent dressing up as the grim reaper and an ambulance driver and visiting old people’s homes can reap huge dividends.

Is it true you can just add water to cremated remains and rehydrate a dead body?
Yes it is. But you must remember that both the body and the coffin are incinerated (except in respected crematoria where they remove the body and reuse the casket as part of a con trick). Subsequently, you should prepare yourself for excessively wooden partners after hydration is complete and increased splinter risk. On the plus side you might get lucky and find a good knot in a great place.

Will there be a problem with the smell?
Dead people lose all their senses – including smell – so they won’t mind one bit. Haha, that’s another joke! You can have that one. But if you have access to embalming fluid you might want to start sniffing it daily now.

I’m a woman. What are my necrophiliac options?
God, being a misogynist if the Bible is taken at its word, seems to have made it relatively simple for men to participate in necrophilia with just about anyone, at any time, anywhere, and in any condition. Hell, a skull will do the trick. For heterosexual ladies it’s a little more tricky.

Rigor mortis is a wonderful thing with often hilarious results for morticians and crime scene investigators to laugh about but it only occurs at a relatively set time after death – allowing for normal temperature conditions – and, once the decaying process begins, lysosomal intracellular digestive enzymes begin to leak into the body and relax the tensed muscles. In laymans terms: hello Mr Floppy.

Taxidermy is the solution. You will probably find classes at a college near you. With the skills you learn you might also find that one special person who you want to share the rest of your life with and stuff the entire body rather than just the important six inches. And you could even start your own harem. So, it’s not all bad for the girls.

What about zombies?
Sleeping with a dead person is a large step to take so many people take a trip to Haiti first and employ the services of a Voodoo priest to conjure up a zombie. The odour, lack of complaining, and pressure-free no-commitment sex are all there and that can help to make the minds up of ditherers. However, a zombie will shuffle and moan and try to eat your brain unless you tie it down. Personally, I find this a distraction but if you are in two minds about necrophilia then booking a zombie sex vacation at your travel agent’s may be exactly what you need.

Author: Mark

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40 Comments

  1. there’s a Goth ish type dude in Reading who manages to walk without moving his arms .. at all.

    the wonderment.

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  2. A goth that walks without moving his arms? But … how does he use pelican crossings? Or shouldn’t I ask?

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  3. To those who are thinkin’ of indulging in necrophilia my advice would be, U shouldn’t try it wiv the livin’ dead
    Far more dangerous than moles
    I believe they like to dine on fresh brains!

    To those who are about to comment on the fact I am dead
    Yes! But think of this forum, as a virtual wegee board
    And no u can’t fuck me, I was cremated Haa!

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  4. Wegee? Wegee? Do you mean wedgie? Veggie?

    You can’t mean ouija, surely. Simply not possible. Oui. Ja. French for ‘yes’. German for ‘yes. Oui. Ja. Ouija. Pronounced wee-jah. Not pronounced wee-gee. Always spelled ‘ouija’. Ouija.

    In summary: ouija.

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  5. Though nought may remain of my brain I still state it is so!
    I missed out an e (but blame my spell checker for that, as it would not recognise Weegee with the extra e)

    My spelling of the word comes from the famous New York Crime photographer, who’s almost mystical appearance at crime scenes, even before the cops got there Earned him the said nickname from the NYP
    So you see it is possible (think of it as the Bronx phonetic spelling)

    Weegee went to Hollywood and just like me often played himself in unsuccessful b movies

    The Public Eye (1992), starring Joe Pesci, was based on the man himself

    http://www.getty.edu/art/collections/bio/a1887-1.html

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  6. GET HELP YOU PEOPLE ARE SICK!!!!!!!!!!

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  7. YOU NEED HELP FIND GOD!!!

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  8. GET EHLP FROM A DOCTORS YOU PEOPLE ARE SICK AND FULL OF EVIL GET HELP FIND GOD!!!!!!

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  9. YOU ARE FULL OF EVIL FIND GOD YOU NEED GOD IN YOUR LIFE GET HELP FROM A DOCTOR GO TO CHURCH YOU ARE FULL oF EVIL!!!!

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  10. I HONESTLY THINK ALL YOU PEOPLE NEED HELP FROM DOCTORS!!!!!!!!!!!!

    That’s true people. When you’re ill seek medical advice. And doctors are good at arranging abortions too. Make sure you seek out a doctor if you’re pregnant and don’t want the baby. That’s some good advice there. Thanks a lot. Thanks for popping by and mentioning that.

    AND REALLY NEED GOD IN YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!!!! START READING THE BIBLE AND GO TO CHURCH!!!!!!!!!!

    Whoa there horsey! Well that seems a little bit irresponsible now. And I thought you were one of the good guys for a second. What if the church gets hit by a plane? You’re advocating killing innocent people who’d otherwise be performing fellatio on a decaying penis in the sanctity of their own temple. You’re sick, you sicko.

    YOU ARE ALL REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY AND I MEAN REALLY REALLY REALLY EXTEREMALY SICK PEOPLE WHO NEED HELP>>>>

    What does ‘exteremaly’ mean? Really. I’ve tried loads of dictionaries but can’t work out what you’re trying to say here. Do you mean ‘externally’? Sick on the outside? Are you in my house looking at me? What are my symptoms? I’ve got to know! I’m scared now. Will I die? Will my pets catch it? Did they give it to me? Oh God! Why would you not just tell me when you saw it? Do you hate life so much?

    AND WHO EVER HAS THIS WEB SITE REALLY REALLY REALLY EXTREMELY NEEDS HELP TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I accept Paypal.

    DONT LISTEN TO THIS CRAP AND GO FIND GOD!!!!!!!!!

    You should try to think back: when did you last see your ‘God’? What were you doing at the time? Try to retrace your steps.

    And remember people: have sex with a dead person tonight. I think it’s what our Canadian friend here who "came" to this site at 04:13 server time having searched for "necrophilia" on google.ca and then didn’t post his first comment for a further 13 minutes (it’s not a long article so what could he have been doing during that time?) would want.

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  11. can you get pregnant if you have sex with a zombie?

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  12. I wish i were a guy 🙁 I really want to fuck an animal or dead chick but until then i guess ill use my spoon. ;9 Jimwasagod@yahoo.com(IM name only)

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  13. Dear Sir Mark.

    Firstly I must admit that you are very genius..

    but i prefer to do masochism, can I combibine my dessire, masochism with necrophilia?

    is the anal sex with dead safe?

    And where is the best site I can share my imagination?

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  14. Mr Misspeal – Avengers fan, huh? – masochism and necrophilia are perfect partners. With the aid of a simple harness system, lengths of stout rope, and two trained pit ponies you can easily construct an apparatus that will allow you to enjoy all your deathly sexual desires whilst simultaneously causing immense pain to whatever you attach the ropes to. Anal sex with the dead carries with it some risks: what if the dead person is dead because they inserted a broken bottle up their back passage, and it’s still there?

    To share your imagination I recommend popping along to http://www.somethingawful.com, clicking on the Forums link, paying a one-time, lifetime fee of $10 to join, and letting all and sundry know about your desires. Many of the members of the SA forums share your leanings and you will meet a great many like-minded and rational friends there.

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    We talk of a Heavenly Scent, an ardent desire with the whiff of a definite locale, while we bolster the Great Beyond with the passion of a magnanimous madman: Full of some gorgeous, panoramic, tall-true-tales that’ll make U.S. yearn and sigh for Heaven Above. A novel of short-stories, quotes, prayers, poetry, heartbreaking/hardcore hilarity, aggressive conundrums from a head-injured-Catholic.

    What you’ll find in our wonderful, fruitFULL, dynamic novel is a treasure, unlike any other. If you decide to read this indelible script, here’s the next step: Get in touch with my CPA, Edward Foree, at 1-800-266-9111.

    MAY GOD BLESS YOU WITH DISCERNMENT!

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  16. does sex with a zombie count cos its the living dead?

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  17. Obviously a site for the disturbed. This blog is meant as a joke, right? For those individuals that think – whahey! An orgy with a dead stiff, what fun! What fun I could have! Yeah well, screw that idea. Get a life and don’t defend yourself with "everyone has their own preferences" shit, cos it ain’t gonna wash, YA HEAR?!

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  18. Im not trying to disrespect you guys in any way, shape or form but from what Ive read I really don’t understand it at all. Sex is about two people with consent. How would you like it if someone was fucking your dead grandma?

    yeah thats what I thought

    get help

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  19. You sir are an idiot. Please find a serious article on this site. Then come back here and hang your head in shame. Then shoot yourself to prevent your moronic genes from infecting the human gene pool and so that someone can dig your corpse up and shag it till it breaks apart.

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  20. i love it when i fuck em over a bridge on tuesdays after gala

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  21. Best Ever. End of Story. I think im gonna go take up taxodermy now….

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  22. do you think they’d let me take my zombie to the bible belt? i was afraid those zealots would try to crucify it… *sadness*

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  23. Whats the best shampoo to use on the deceased? Chemically treated or dry?

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  24. isn’t there some sort of ‘combo therapy’ you’d be able to purchase?

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  25. Wow, I had no idea there was a form of safe sex that doesn’t require the use of a condom other than abstence………….. good to know lol

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  26. you guys are really sick. Why aren’t you people just thrown in a mental institution like all the other sickos."Bundy" for example got away with so much because he was "sick". You have no control. Only ANIMALS act this way. What did we advance into humans for?

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  27. I generally like being female…but now I just think it sucks. In regards to Necrophilia, it would be more difficult for females than males. This is one disadvantage that greatly upsets me.

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  28. Done a dead body and it felt sooo nice when i finshed i cut off her breasts

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  29. there is no god .. how is it that theres so many religions but they all have different gods..? i thought that the romans said there is only one god.. pff no gods

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  30. Are you crazy or what. Even God is actually against such.Please repent of your since and God would stil show you mercy. Repent before it’s too late.

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  31. how can you even post something like this. wtf ae you thinking this is gross beyond imagination. very sinckening and it is iligal aswell!!!

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  32. Thank you for commenting my discusting. Oh! Oh, wait! Oh, I see! You meant to say "you’re disgusting" and not that drivel you actually typed.

    I worked that out by reading the rest of your comment and determining that you were an idiot with the spelling ability of an aborted conjoined foetus and the reading comprehension levels of a pile of bricks recently urinated upon by a homeless woman.

    However, again, thank you for commenting. Sure, other people work out what they want to say, decide whether they can spell any of those words, look up the words if needs be or choose simpler alternatives, then proceed to leave behind their mark for all to see. Your method of smashing parts of the keyboard seemingly at random and coming up with something that resembles your equivalent of thought processes is admirable.

    And, should you ever pop by again with a grown up to help you, perhaps you’d like to explain just what you were expecting to find when you typed ‘where do u find a necrophiliac’ in Google?

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  33. YOU’RE SICK! GET HELP!
    … That’s what my psychiatrist said, last time I talked to him.
    As for the blog, it is great and full of information. I have been looking into alternative practices for sexual pleasure since I have recently become a basement dwelling computer nerd and contact with any living (yet possibly disease carrying) woman. This article is full of information that I can turn to my better use. Thank you, so much for writing it! Keep them coming!

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  34. Having sex with the dead is extremely fun. I recently found out that you can get a disease tho. So when waking the dead please wear a condom or you could get maggot eggs in ur ureathra which is not fun. Yes they do have cures for it but it is not fun so please be safe when sexing up the dead.

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  35. ok, so yes, i am a12 year old girl typing on a freakin’ nintendo dsi so please excuse any grammar or spelling errors. so i am interested in necrophilia, but how could somebody like me obtain a dead body… yeah, maybe im too young for it but the living just don’t seem to arouse me anymore and my relationship with my bf is unsatisfactory. and ps i like it because i love control and domanating shit.♪♪♪

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  36. Dreamingofdeaddick, its a lot of work but take frequent walks thru cemetaries and look thru trying to find loose dirt and come back later and dig! Or if you know someone who works at a funeral home, that’s much easier.

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