Nadine Dorries: Woman Out Of Time

If you’ve heard anything about the Member of Parliament for Mid Bedfordshire on those there internets you might conclude that Nadine Dorries is a lying lunatic completely detached from reality and desperate to push forward the views of a small group of sub-moronic religious nutjobs still clinging to the hope of a return to the good old days of the Middle Ages using the only means they know how – lying, manipulating, ignoring, lying (again), bullying, distorting, and lying (they really like lying) – but it might surprise you to learn that she hasn’t always been a figure of deserved ridicule by anyone on the planet with four or more working brain cells: for seven minutes in 2007 Nadine Dorries did nothing too annoying! Happy times!

Other than that, though, it’s widely known that when it comes to batshit crazy levels of insanity in the Conservative Party there’s an exponential curve that includes the Boris Johnson Zone of Hilarity at around the 80% mark and the Nadine Dorries Termination Point as the line bends around and approaches infinity.

Some people might wonder how someone who’s just about smart enough to persuade people in whichever constituency she’s claiming she lives in these days to vote for her can also be so out of touch with how the world operates but the answer, if you do a little research, is quite straightforward; just as a blind person becomes more attuned to hearing when the sense of sight is deprived, so Dorries has become attuned to living for hundreds of years thanks to a massive deficiency in the sense of common.

History throws up some interesting facts about the life of the surprisingly long-lived Nadine Dorries:

Nadine Dorries on the Far Right

Nadine Dorries with ex-husband Hernando and ex-daughter Maria. Nadine Dorries is on the far right.

From 1882 to 1887 Nadine Dorries was a member of the Amazing Twunts acrobatic troupe, touring Europe with the famous Dingbats Circus. It was during this period that Nadine met Hernando Nando (not related to the restaurant chain), the resident strong man. His resemblance to a fat Jesus was all the proof she needed that the end of the world was imminent and so she married him, hoping to curry favour during the end times she hoped were only a few weeks away. Nadine and Hernando had a child, Maria, and four years later Nadine caught up to the fact that her husband – now a professional wrestler who fought in Honduras under the name El Miraculo – was probably not about to lead a select few to heaven while the rest of the world burned.

Nadine filed for divorce from Hernando, citing irreconcilable stalking as the grounds. Of Maria, from 1889 there was no record of her. Nadine would later claim in her seminal work of literature Mein Dummkopf that Hernando had used brainwashing techniques on her to force her to abort their little girl, a charge he refuted as not making any sense.

Nadine Dorries

Nadine and short-term boyfriend Adolf.

Nadine’s belief that women should be subservient to men and that they should stay at home doing nothing but making babies drew her to strong individuals and led to her dating a young Adolf Hitler for a while in the 1930s, hoping that he would be able to bring about the obedience in others that she sought for everyone else but her. However, a joke about the commandments got out of hand and started a blazing row during which Hitler accused his girlfriend of hypocrisy, something that Nadine couldn’t forgive as she didn’t know what it meant.

Dorries fled to England just before the outbreak of the second world war and then claimed that the subsequent invasions of Czechoslovakia, Poland, and France were clear examples of the increasingly erratic actions of stalker activity by the besotted Fuehrer and that the declaration of war by England was purely because she had filed a complaint with the Metropolitan Police Service. For a while Nadine was a star of radio programmes designed to boost morale but by late 1940 Winston Churchill elected to only broadcast her weekly shows outside Britain to demoralise the enemy instead owing to negative feedback. The final show heard on the continent before the transmitter was destroyed towards the end of the Blitz in 1941 featured Dorries recounting how Hitler’s scientists had taken one of his testicles, experimented on it, and created spermicidal sperm so that Nazis could impregnate women and cause abortions at the same time, something that Josef Mengele felt compelled to speak out against as not making any sense.

Nadine Dorries

Nadine Dorries in her Total Protection Prophylactic outfit.

Nadine set up a business in the early 1960s manufacturing a range of Total Protection Prophylactic outfits for women, designed to prevent abortions in a God-friendly way by putting men off the women in them until they were forced to marry the condom-clad ladies as a last resort in getting the clothing put away in a closet as per one of Dorries’ interpretations of an obcure Bible passage during that period.

When it was put to her at the product launch in Texas that the outfits were simply raincoats with hats and umbrellas attached Nadine accused the fashion press of stalking her and refused to talk to them again. This, however, did not sit well with the shareholders of Dorries Does Dallas Inc. who insisted she make amends. During a famous performance on the Weekly Whacko Waco show Nadine told host Clint Creation that her outburst at the fashion show was something she had been advised to do by British police in order to not draw attention to herself in the liberal environment of the southern states of the US, a claim that Clint – to his credit – queried as not making any sense.

Nadine Dorries

Nadine Dorries confused by Centipede.

In the late 1970s Nadine Dorries was approached by a small group of individuals who were concerned that video arcades were quite enjoyable and, as such, the work of the Devil! Nadine was persuaded to infiltrate the video game industry, using all the skills at her disposal, her wits, intelligence, and intuition, and, within three years, she had made it all the way up to Game Promotion Backup Model 4 at Atari.

Her big break came when the main model and the three backups ahead of her received identical letters stating they were under police investigation for stalking (the police investigation would later turn out to be fictitious) paving the way for Nadine to stand in for the promotion of the new Centipede game. The game’s confusing mechanics and complicated rules had Nadine convinced that the game was pro-abortion propaganda deliberately designed to appeal to women and encourage them to destroy new life (killing the centipede) whilst enjoying sex with multiple partners (shooting lasers at mushrooms), a charge – when put to them by Dorries – that Atari denied (shortly before firing her) as not making any sense.

Author: Mark

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  1. A simply beautiful portrayal of one of Britain’s National Treasures.

    (The term ‘National Treasures’ here is used in the same way as, for example, the bubonic plague and the Great Fire of London were National Treasures in the 17th century).

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  2. She already has the carrier bag for her ‘ReadySteadyCook’ appearance prepared. Watch her write a book about cats and/or reveal her secret affair with IDS in the not too distant future.
    She also said she acts as a conduit for God – in that case, why hasn’t she been seen wandering around mouthing the words ‘hypocrites like me are what turns people’s faces from God’?

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