Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, animals that comprehend the human tongue, and gypsies too: roll up, roll up, one and all, pin back your ears and strain your eyes to see this wonder of nature captured for your pleasure and perusal. Prepare yourself to gasp in awe. Those with a weak constitution or those prone to experiencing vapours at a moment’s notice must sit themselves down upon a sturdy surface now or leave at once.
I give you Montgomery, a Most Miraculous Marmot! Perhaps, even, the Most Miraculous Marmot put upon God’s green Earth by God hisself. I do not make such claims lightly and I implore you to vacate these premises post haste should you find yourself coming over faint in the coming minutes. For you who stay – and I applaud your vigour – listen well, for you will want to tell your friends and family later what you learn right now.
Forget all you know or think you know about marmots. Montgomery is no ordinary marmot. You sir! You with the hat! Tell the ladies and gentlemen here where you obtain your marmots! A loud and clear voice if you please.
The Alps? A very fine locale for finding marmots indeed. In my many years of marmoteering I have encountered many wonderful marmots from that area of the world. But let me assure you that even should you uproot your family and move permanently into the European mountains thenceforth committing yourself to trapping and examining every marmot for a period no less than double the rest of your natural life – yes, double – then I would wager all the marmot-pelts in Peru you would not come across so fine a beast as Montgomery here.
A hush please. Look at this marmot. Now think: what could be so miraculous about this marmot? What terrifying secret lies behind its buck teeth? Does it, perchance, burrow through brickwork and lie in wait within your boudoir when you retire at night?
Ushers, please! The lady with a peacock feather in her hat near the aisle appears to have taken a turn for the worse.
I’m sorry to have frightened you all. Let me tell you now: this Most Miraculous Marmot does not await you when you return home! No, that is the purview of the Horribly Horrific Horseshoe Crab! And rapists.
I shall allay your fears further, gathered folk. Montgomery, my Most Miraculous Marmot, is not the reincarnation of His Royal Highness Prince Albert. Should I pause to allow those of a swooning nature to swoon? No? Then I shall continue. In addition to not being royalty reborn in rodentia form, this particular and marvellous creature cannot understand Mr Napier’s Amazing Logarithm Tables. Yes, it is true! For matters of mathematical mindedness it is to some other marmot you must look and not this one!
What, then, could be so incredibly miraculous? Let me ask someone in the audience. Sir! Oh, I’m so sorry; the handlebar moustache threw my senses! Madam! Look at this marmot, as close as you dare, and now tell me what would be the most miraculous thing about this marmot that you could imagine.
Now, that is imaginitive! And miraculous, I think we can all agree. However, anatomical laws extend to our furred cousins in the animal kingdom and I fear no husband in the land would accept his wife using a Möbius Marmot in such a manner. As intriguing an image as you have conjured up and implanted into the forethoughts of my mind – and clearly the mind of that young gentleman in the checked britches behind you – I think the people here today would not forgive me were I to delay any longer in exposing …
Ushers, please! The lady with a peacock feather in her hat near the aisle is now in urgent need of smelling salts!
Yes, in exposing the truth! The truth behind the Most Miraculous Marmot!
Montgomery! Show the people how you play the spoons!
Please, ladies and gentlemen, don’t boo. It makes his fur fall out. And don’t throw eggs for their stain and stench are an abomination!
Ushers, please! The gentleman with the Most Miraculous Marmot needs a quick escape!