My First God

My First God: David Lee RothratOybubble, a subsidiary of neOnbubble, and parent company to dOllbubble, also trading as cOllectibubble are pleased to announce their latest range of exclusive action figures and associated collectible merchandising for the 2006 season.

Introducing: My First God™

Hard work, intelligence, and aptitude will only get you so far in life. These days if you want to get ahead then you need to inject some religion into your veins but with so many to choose from it can be difficult selecting the one that gives you a heavenly high and puts you on the fast track to political or corporate success from the very many that will react badly, send you into a seizure, get you labelled as a terrorist and cause you to be made to quietly disappear in the middle of the night. tOybubble doesn’t have the solution to this problem – we’re only manufacturers of fine collectible figurines and distributors of top quality merchandising after all! – but that doesn’t mean we can’t muddy the waters still further and cash in on a loosely-connected issue! It’s what our stockholders would want!

The My First God™ range of figures and trading cards expands on all the various deities and religious beliefs we know and pretend to accept and introduces us to a wide new world of exciting and interesting Gods and Devils. Grouped together under Cults such as "Rock Gods" and "Divine Baldies" for example, the collectible nature of My First God™ is enhanced by competitive rivalry that pits religious group against religious group in a bloody crusade of intolerance just like in real life. Collect from one sect or from all just to be safe; the choice is yours!

When something good happens you can be sure that your little My First God™s were responsible for the miracle. When something bad happens then you know that it was all your own fault or someone else’s religion is to blame and a swift smiting should be the order of the day. No matter what happens, though, you’ll want to keep your fantastic new deities close to hand at all times as a sign of devotion. If your My First God™ doesn’t rise in value year on year then you aren’t praying hard enough!

Starting in March we’ll be releasing the first series of action figures. Highlights of this amazing range are sure to include:

Cult: Fruitism, The Vitamin-Rich Religion.
Action Figure: Archangel Granny Smith – Guardian of the Temple of Applelympos.
Granny Smith, beautiful and terrifying if you are both attracted to and repelled by old people as you should, resplendent in her Holy Cardigan, protector of the Artefacts of Fruitism and head combat angel in the fight against other nutritionally-deficient religious groups. Comes with Shawl Of Knowledge and Knotted Staff Of Support And Shin-Whackery. Lavender Tree Fortress sold separately.

Cult: Weathermania.
Action Figure: The Light Drizzle Goddess.
The Light Drizzle Goddess brings mild disappointment in her wake with her ability to slowly quell any enthusiasm and gently moisten the environment. Comes with The Golden Clothespeg, symbol of her slightly interesting Power Of Hampering Clothes Drying. Anatomically correct.

Cult: Gods Of The Small Screen
Action Figure: Bill O’Reilly, The Prostate God.
Bill has achieved immortal status through years of ignoring facts and the truth in favour of imagined slights and fictitious attacks by intelligent people and now you can get as close to The Prostate God as humanly possible (without appearing on his "enemies list") with this lifelike figurine. Included in the pack is The Vibrator Of Vehemence which brings pleasure to The Prostate God and distinct displeasure to those he subsequently wields it at.

Trading CardsMay sees the launch of tOybubble‘s exciting companion product, the My First God™: War Of Intolerable Idiocy (MFG:WOII) trading cards game.

MFG:WOII is a turn-based card game where each player has a deck of cards featuring any of the religious cult Gods, members, prayers, divine vengeances, or artefacts that you can collect in the My First God™ range. Players battle one another to see whose religion is the One True Religion by trying to convert their opponents or send them to various forms of death either through prayer-casting or more mundane methods.

Each player starts with the same number of cards and the same total Righteous Points and the game proceeds until Conversion has taken place at a predetermined points level or a Victory Crusade results in all opponents being vanquished. In every round neutral cards, representing Mother Nature’s Common Sense Override can alter the outcome of any Miracle or Retribution suffered. Cards can only be played a number of times depending on their value, and affect (and can be affected by) certain religious groups differently leading to a complex rules system that requires the use of a 1200-page instruction manual. Game guides are longer still and the planned slow release of bonus sets of cards will serve to confuse collectors for years to come and make MFG:WOII totally unplayable yet keep the trading and purchasing scene behind the game thriving.

Rare cards are sure to be worth their weight in gold (or more, as cards don’t weigh much) so make certain you keep hold of:

  • Lucky Penny (Miracle – Coincidence) – If an attack by another religion will affect the upper half of your body then you can cast this Miracle card and avoid the blow by bending over to pick up a coin of incredible fortune. Praise whatever God you worship!
  • Tsunami (Vengeance – Natural Disaster) – Decimate your religious opponents with this purifying wave; that’ll learn them good for not following The Faith. Not effective against devotees of Surfi Krishna, The Totally Rad Surfing Religion.
  • Fleeting Doubt (Hindrance – Brain) – Halve the prayer power of another player by causing them to think for a round.
  • Bad Back (Mother Nature Common Sense Override) – If any player makes use of a Lucky Penny card then they are rendered inactive for the next round, recuperating from a bad back caused by failing to bend at the knees properly.

And many, many more.

It’s sure to be a bumper year for tOybubble collectors everywhere with the new set of figures and merchandise straight from one of the many variations of Heaven, the My First God™ range.

Author: Mark

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