Okay, I’m just going to float this idea out there, treat you lot like a strange and scary thinktank, see if I get any feedback, see if there’s bits you like and bits you don’t, that sort of thing.
Right, here we go: I’m thinking of writing a new series for TV. Cable TV probably, but you never know. So, we’re obviously saturated with "news" programmes and "cartoon" programmes and "home and garden jealousy-creating" programmes and "reality" programmes and "100 Best 100 Best Programmes" programmes but I think we’ve still only dipped a toe in lesbians so far. That sounds bad; I would never dip my toe in a lesbian! Oh, except Jodie Foster if she’s one! Lovely brain. Studied at the Lycée Français de Los Angeles. But yes, "lesbian" programmes are still little more than teens in the adult world of television (and I’m not just saying that so that the words "lesbian" and "teens" (it’s short for "teenagers"!) would appear in this paragraph). Sure, we’ve had "The ‘L’ Word" and there was Ross’ wife in "Friends" and "Ellen", of course, and "Tipping The Velvet" and "The Golden Girls" but I think TV audiences are still clamouring for more "ladies who love to love ladies and the ladies who love being loved by the ladies who love to love ladies" programmes.
So, here it is: Munching The Carpet!
It’s a drama series, obviously, because your average lesbian woman is female and dramas are right up their alleys if you’ll excuse the imagery. So there’s romance and tension from the word ‘Go’. But your average lesbian is traditionally violent and filled with rage so there’s also action and comedy because these things appeal to testosterone beetles according to science-types. It’s an actionlesbidramady. There’ll be a strong family element to it too because gay families annoy the American Taliban and the old TV adage of "Kontroversy equals Kerching!" holds true to this day. Think "The Sopranos" meets "Charlie’s Angels" and you’re almost there.
The characters! We need a core of lesbians doing all the things that lesbians do – constant soapy showers, cheerleading as a hobby, riding horses, that sort of thing – but we need to make them slightly normal too; perhaps give them normal jobs and names to fill out the roles. Make them more human. Straight men will be a big target audience for this programme and we need to push across the idea that inside every lesbian is a bisexual woman willing to have sex with one straight guy and nine of her lesbian swimsuit model friends night-after-night.
One of the key locations will be the carpet factory where many of the girls work and shower to remove fibres after a long day churning out rugs. Each episode we’ll try to build in a disaster where a carpet is destroyed by the machinery – maybe two lesbians get trapped in the cogs having a secret rendezvous one week! – leading to some variant of the phrase "Oh no! We’ve got a another carpet-munching scenario!" That should help it get past any censors who complain about the name.
Liz Bean can be the owner of the factory. She’s a shrewd businesswoman, she’s tough, and married but it’s merely a sham arrangement. She’s not liked by her staff – in one episode she has to punish a girl who is insolent and makes a rude gesture to the owner in front of potential new customers. Try to work in "flicking the bean" somewhere there. I think that’s a womanny thing and they’re bound to get the reference. So Liz is into bondage like most lesbians and ends up keeping people who annoy her or young girls looking for jobs who turn down her sexual overtures in a secret room in the factory. Perhaps some torture. Make it a light horroractionlesbidramady. I’m thinking someone like Kathryn Morris could play Liz; moody and wearing a suit – perfect lesbian tyrant.
Connie Lyn Gus is an alcoholic ex-country and western singer who makes ends meet by supervising in the factory. In fact she’s got lots of addictions: drugs, women, sex, religion, and hats. Hats especially. Think of the merchandising potential! So Connie has to battle her own demons and, even though she’s a supervisor, she’s easily manipulated and blackmailed throughout the series. And she’s got a connection to the mob so we can work in the quote "Just when I’m drying out, they drag me back in." Movie fans will love it. So each episode she sings too with montages of lesbian action. Sensitive people – straight women who watch – will love that. She needs to be pretty and vulnerable-looking, yet still maintain her tough country upbringing with tougher masculine lesbianity. I’ve got a picture of a Julia Roberts-type, maybe even Julia herself.
An outsider now, Detective Honey Dipper, moves into the apartment building where several of the characters live. She’s undercover at first, looking into the disappearance of several girls who went for jobs at the factory but eventually Liz gets her under the covers and blows her’s – cover that is – and is able to crush the case. At the same time she hints at Connie’s mob connections enabling Honey to stick around and probe her too. Great scope for even more obvious euphemisms as well, I’m sure of it. And what if she has a male buddy cop? Detective Butch Femme? Straight and straight-laced, highly intolerant of sexual deviancy, perhaps. It’s a light horroractionlesbibuddydramady. We can gradually bring in his acceptance of gay women. He could actually become one! The show could be sponsored by a gender reassignment clinic, or a struck-off doctor operating out of Honduras!
So far there’s nothing out of the ordinary that’s not shown on any of the other channels so here’s the unique hook: Rosie O’Navratilova is not only a coffee shop owner where the women come in to discuss plot points without the noisy distraction of the carpet manufacturing business in the background but also a lesbian robotic lifeform sent back in time to promote sapphic behaviour among straight women so as to lead to, initially, a decline in use of men and, ultimately, their complete extinction, which in turn will lead to the necessity to build lesbian robotic lifeforms to hold the brain patterns and souls of women inside so as to continue some form of human propagation and will require the invention of time travel to ensure it all comes out as it does otherwise it might not. It’s the sort of paradox that nerds will adore. A light horroractionscifilesbibuddydramady. Appeal across the board. And spin-offs! Lesbian Robots Of The 29th Century In Space And Time! Fox will buy that option on the title alone! This is a goldmine! Of gold!
Plenty of other more minor characters too. And if the show title isn’t quite right or we want to cash in on existing names then what about "Desperate Houselesbians"? "CSI: Massachusetts Lesbian Suburb"? Jorja Fox can make cameo appearances; her character’s got just the right amount of stern and bitter at men shared by all lesbians. "America’s Next Lesbian Idol Apprentice"? We could put real lesbian wannabes to work in the carpet factory under Liz and Connie during each season break with the winner getting a part in the next series. A light horroractionscifilesbibuddydramadyreality show! The ratings! The ratings! I am going to be so rich.