David from Fuddland was recently mugged by two men leaving him minus credit cards and phone after the experience. Mugging is a horrible thing to have happen to anyone and I, like I’m sure most people, hope that David isn’t affected too badly from this. Also, I, like I’m sure most people, hope that the muggers are caught by someone outside the police force at some point in the near future and have their fingers broken and teeth extracted without anaesthetic. Ooh, and a couple of beer bottles shoved up their respective recta. Wide end first. And the word ‘mugger’ etched into their foreheads with a couple of razor blades separated by a match to make stitching up troublesome at best. And one foot burnt to a crispy nubbin with a blowtorch. Yes, that’s right; I have left-wing politics right up until we reach dealing with antisocial and serious crime. Then I’m a "public flogging", "hand-chopping", "let’s bring back Victorian-style forty-to-a-cell, no TV, one shared and purposely blocked toilet prison vengeance" sort of guy.
I’ve never been mugged and I’d like to think that’s because I’m quite a scary prospect for any mugger to take on. I’d like to think that but I think hardly ever leaving my house and looking like someone your average opportunistic robber is more likely to take pity on than attack on the off-chance I’m an eccentric millionaire who likes to dress down and mingle with the plebs probably has some bearing on the matter too. In any event, if the thought of being mugged has now worried you then you can relax because there are some simple steps that you can take to fend off muggers. Some people will charge you for this information but I am happy to provide it for free. A £24.99 value bargain deal! Bargain!
Martial artistry as a defence is an obvious way to protect yourself not only from muggers but also people with clipboards in shopping centres. "Excuse me, do you have time to answer a few questions on your gas and electric usage?" "Hiiiii-yaaaa! No. And that’ll need stitches."
Of course there are many martial arts to consider, they cost money, and many people don’t have the patience to sit through the first nine months of learning how to fall and slap the floor before they are shown anything useful like the Golden Dragon Poke-Em-In-The-Eye Attack or the Chuckling Mole Spin-Of-Confusion or the Coughing Tax Inspector Chinese-Burn. Mind ye not, though, because there are some very basic and very effective manoeuvres that anyone can do with no training and only a 96% chance of injuring yourself and making the situation far worse.
Go For The Nose
Using the heel of your hand deliver an upward blow to the nose.
Pros: The nose is a particularly vulnerable spot on the body as it needs to be on the outside of humans out of necessity. The nose bone is more likely to break and is therefore more incapacitating when hit upwards as noses tend to be hit head on in normal walking-into-door situations and they’ve evolved to expect that sort of pain. By using the heel of your hand you can deliver more power through the length of your arm and are less likely to leave ring impressions or bruise your knuckles making it harder for the police to prosecute you for excessive force.
Cons: You may get mugger bogies on your hand.
Knees Don’t Bend That Way
Knees bend the way they do to make sitting down and watching television possible without mirrors. If facing or side on to a mugger lift one leg and then swiftly bring the base of your raised foot into contact with your opponent’s knee. Even the police will be able to catch the hobbling or crawling would-be robber.
Pros: Leg muscles are typically strong meaning a great deal of force can be delivered. If you work with your hands then you won’t be risking your livelihood.
Cons: If you are being mugged by two people it is easy to become confused and lift both legs ready for striking at their vulnerable knee-areas. This will render you looking like a dickhead.
Auntie Anne Little Finger Attack Of Death Attack
Named in honour of my Auntie Anne who developed this method to make my brother and I pray when we were younger, the Little Finger Attack Of Death Attack involves a little bit of subterfuge and then renders the most excruciatingly agonising method of controlling a person known to man. Hand over whatever the mugger demands but as your hands draw near simply reach for the little finger of your attacker. Bend it over fully as if it was making a little fist on its own and then push down on the fingernail. Un-be-fucking-lieva-fucking-bly painful. Your opponent will do anything you want. Anything.
Pros: Anything you want includes maintenance around your house so if you need a wall building or some loft boards put down this is a perfect way of transforming a drain on humanity into someone useful.
Cons: Because you won’t believe how painful it is you’ll try to do this to yourself and make yourself cry.
The Mugger’s Weak Spot
If combat isn’t your cup of tea then you can use a non-physical form of attack on every mugger’s weak spot: his brain! Examples of using this debilitating defensive strike are listed below.
Mugger: Give me your watch, your cash, your credit cards, and your mobile phone or it’s a lumping for you sonny! Grrr!
You: Sure, here you go mister. Here’s my cards and here’s my … say – while I’m just digging out my mobile phone – if the two shorter sides of a right-angled triangle are 8 centimetres long and 13 centimetres long then what’s the length of the hypotenuse?
Mugger: Right, that’s erm, let’s see, erm, you square those two don’tcha? So that’s er 8 times 8 which is er …
You: (sidle along wall and slink off to safety)
Mugger: Hand over your money and no funny business or I’ll whack ya!
You: Notes only or notes and coins?
Mugger: Notes only! And ‘urry up before the rozzers turn up!
You: Okay here they are and, if I may? Globalisation, European integration and the discursive construction of economic imperatives are converging. Discuss.
Mugger: Hmmm … well, I’ve always found that globalisation is invariably presented and analysed as a set of principally economic and material processes and practices, serving to effect a more or less epochal transformation of contemporary capitalism. In this context, any discussion which focuses attention upon the discursive construction of globalisation as a set of external economic constraints with attendant political imperatives might seem, at best, a rather marginal enterprise. Surely the key issue of analytical concern is one of collating and adjudicating the empirical evidence for and against the ‘material reality’ of globalisation and the constraints it is seen to imply. This, at any rate, has been the dominant assumption in the existing literature, with radicals and sceptics alike setting out their respective positions in opposition to one another through a series of more or less casual appeals …
… three hours pass …
Mugger: … serves to reinforce is that the deployment as political rhetoric of discourses of globalisation and European integration is both strategic and by no means homogeneous, varying significantly from national context to national context and, indeed, from political party to political party.
Police Officer: You’re nicked!
Prevention is better than cure so it’s clearly preferable to avoid getting into situations where a mugging can take place to merely reacting to one.
One option would be to never leave your home but that’s excessive and, besides, that’s letting the muggers win. A more sensible answer can be found in the history books of underwater exploration, my source of choice for the solutions to most of life’s problems.
The bathysphere is designed to resist high pressures, giant octopi, and kraken attacks (up to level 3); you can be pretty certain it will be more than a match for some chav with a penknife. If a mugger is waiting for a victim and he finds himself faced with an old lady taking her little dog for a crap outside someone’s front gate as a surprise for when they leave home for work the following morning or you inside a ball of inches-thick steel who do you think is going to become a statistic for someone in a research group to pass to management in the police to ignore?
With optional waldo attachments the bathysphere enables an average person concerned by potential muggings to conduct all their daily activities safely ensconced inside a metal shell. There’s plenty of room for carrying shopping too!
This is only a brief preventative guide to avoiding muggings. Not covered due to lack of time:
- assuming everyone is a mugger and pro-actively attacking them with golf clubs,
- tactical nuclear strike,
- coating all your money and cards with ricin for the ultimate slow revenge.
Stay safe out there!