The mouth ulcer: friend or bastard?

I was present when God was designing humans. I told Him "The eyes, those I like. Round. Moveable. Good colour range. Top notch." And I mentioned that God had "nailed those boobies. I don’t think you’ll get much complaint from those!" I even stood and applauded when Project Opposable Thumb was given the, er, opposable thumb’s up.

But it wasn’t all great. My own suggestion for swappable, detachable, plug-and-play noses was met with a stern look and when I supported Lucifer’s recommendation that seven legs were better than two I was told in no uncertain terms that my presence would be tolerated only so long as I kept my mouth shut from them onwards.

baby goatSubsequently, I was merely an observer during the big Deliberate Design Flaw debate. God and his legion of developers/toadies put forward the argument that by making bits and pieces often fail in some way or another at irregular intervals it would make humans appreciate what they had more. The counterpoint was that was awfully cruel and the phrase "you bloody great bully" was expressed momentarily before one debating team found themselves transformed into protozoa on a small planet fated to be engulfed by a supernova exactly three minutes later. Design flaws made the final cut.

All of this explains why I have a mouth ulcer at the moment. On the right side of my mouth. Right at the back. Perfectly positioned in line with the rearmost teeth of each row. Perfectly positioned so that certain often-performed tasks rub against the mouth ulcer sending lightning bolts of agonising torture through my head. Often-performed tasks such as:

  • talking,
  • eating,
  • drinking,
  • not talking,
  • not eating, and
  • not drinking.

Thankyou God for the unending pain I am suffering at the moment. It’s not "so painful you have to scream" pain because, eventually, your body gets used to that or, more usually, gets sick and tired of your whining and either switches off the pain receptors or renders you unconscious. No, this is "dull, dull, fading, rising, not-so-dull, sharp shock, dull, dull, sharp shock" pain, the pain that effectively reboots your neural connections every so often so that it’s just like the first time all over again. God, you’ve surpassed yourself. A marvel! I truly do appreciate my mouth more.

Why do we get mouth ulcers? Well, as far as I can determine without looking anything up on the internet because IT’S ALL A LIE the precursors to any mouth ulcer are as follows:

Burning Yourself
Mouth ulcers often follow eating something far too hot that you should have known better than to place in your mouth. Most typically this is pizza. Oh, it smells so good and look, you can pick it up by the thick crusty edge and it doesn’t feel that hot. But wait! It seems that tomato puree and slivers of pepperoni may retain heat more efficiently than air-filled dough. Who’d have thought it? And don’t forget the cheese. It’s sticky, it burns. It’s (barely) edible napalm.

Now, you might think that the ulcer occurs over a burn point because your body is somehow "healing" the area and the healing takes time. And pain. But you’re wrong. Except for the pain bit. Our mouths can cope with hot food. We’ve had time to evolve since the very first Readers Digest explained how to make fire to our ancestors. I’m telling you now: God works in mysterious ways and in this instance it’s as The Punisher. Didn’t wait for your food to cool? Take this volcano of pain you impatient mortal!

Biting Yourself
We’ve all done it: watching TV, reading a book, blowing a nose (preferably our own), sitting perfectly still. Everything’s fine with the world. Then bam! Yes, you’ve just bitten some skin on the inside of your mouth for no reason whatsoever. Within minutes you feel a mouth ulcer form.

Why God, why? The obvious answer is that the mouth ulcer can’t just appear on its own – that would give away God’s cruel nature – hence the biting. Why bite yourself though? So this can happen:

You: I’ve just bitten myself!
Them: You’re a bleedin’ idiot.
You: I’m going to get a mouth ulcer now.
Them: Well, you shouldn’t have bitten yourself.

You need more proof? Okay, how many times have you been sat in front of your computer monitor, lifted up a finger, and stuck it in your eye? I’m going to presume you said "none." Please tell me you said "none." That’s right: as a general rule humans don’t just hurt themselves for no reason. Except for biting. That’ll be God roadtesting the design flaws.

Sexual Shenanigans
Okay, I’ve not had any experience with this particular method of forming mouth ulcers and I might be wrong entirely but it seems that you can get just about any ailment going where sexual shenanigans have played a part. If I had to guess I’d say mouth ulcers form after one of you dresses up as a nurse. I know the way God thinks. It’s what He’d do.

So, to summarise: we get mouth ulcers when God wants to punish us for eating hot food, when God wants to punish us for a laugh, and when God wants to punish us for not sticking to the missionary position with the lights off and the sound of "Brian Blessed Reads The Book Of Psalms" on permament loop.

Mouth ulcer warningThis is all very well, you’re probably thinking, but aren’t there cures? Let’s see:

  • Gel: there are a number of mouth gels on the market that contain antiseptic and anaesthetic. These work in perfect conditions but the perfect conditions, unfortunately, are – check the small print on the packaging to confirm – a sulphur-based, twilight environment in a binary star system. On Earth they’re less effective.
  • Alcohol: old wives claim that whiskey, brandy, et al have magical, mystical, mesmerising, recuperative (bet you were expecting a word beginning with ‘m’ there) powers. When many others felt content to take old wives at face value I performed my own investigations and discovered that they all work for the drinks industry: don’t trust them! My own exhaustive tests have failed to find a link between being drunk and the eradication of the common mouth ulcer although I did work out the meaning of butterflies once. I’ve forgotten it now though.
  • Leeches: some people will tell you that ancient doctors and scholars had it right all along and that leeches will cure anything. How come John F. Kennedy was assassinated then?
  • Dwarf-tossing: works as advertised!
  • Doritos: also known as "The Man Method" the ancient cure of Doritos involves eating a whole bag of cheesy loveliness, deliberately poking each triangular corner into the ulcer before swallowing, and proclaiming "Thankyou Sir, may I have another?" The end result is manly floods of tears and an orange mouth ulcer.
  • Power drill: the power drill method works by replacing the skin where a mouth ulcer likes to live with "not skin" (sometimes called "a hole"). Although very successful in removing mouth ulcers care must be taken when using the power drill method to avoid hitting teeth as some people have an aversion to a drill spinning in, cracking the enamel, teasing, and then severing the tiny nerve ends within sending blood and string and other tooth-innards down the back of the throat and into the stomach where they avoid digestion and form into sculptures of angels and require proctological examinations to remove them. Additionally, one side effect of curing mouth ulcers in this way is an increased risk of becoming home to rare birds or voles and losing the ability to whistle correctly.

Lacking a dwarf and forbidden to increase any possibility of birds becoming a permanent feature of my face by my other half who considers – rightly – all birds evil I have been forced to withstand God’s mouth ulcer torment in near-silence. Complaining to everyone in earshot and writing about it on my site is near-silence, isn’t it?

Author: Mark

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  1. Bonjela is a wonderful garnish given the right meal: a plateful of Polo mints is finished off nicely with a dollop of the minty anaesthetic gel. The more the better!

    Thinking about it, people often use toothpaste on their acne, so logically, some Clearasil should work wonders on mouth-based eruptions such as ulcers.

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  2. Mouth ulcer schmouth schmulcer (or something like that anyway).

    I have a cold sore. Not only is that pain, but no oral sex either! Can it get any worse?

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  3. I would suggest the "cutting off of ones own head" method but in all honesty, you sir, make me chuckle.

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  4. Silver nitrate (i think that’s what it’s called) on a stick cauterizes those pretty well as long as they aren’t too far down your throat. Ask your doctor, they’ve fixed me up a couple times. Stings a bit for a few minutes while it burns, and then the nuissance usually heals itself up and disappears for 6 months.

    From what I’ve heard one of the things that triggers ulcers is caffiene, which I don’t have a hard time believing because I consume far too much. Drink lots of water.

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  5. Cold sores are the perfect excuse for receiving but not giving. I know some particularly selfish men who contract them intentionally.

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  6. David – admitting it is the first step to recovery.

    As for the caffeine theory: Harley, I’ve had enough of your scaremongering! I will not hear a bad word said about caffeine. Enough I say!

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  7. If you drink caffiene, you may already be a terrorist.

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  8. David – that will only work if you don’t kiss.

    *note to self – never sleep with David*

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  9. The note to self was about you not kissing while you ‘shag a bird’ (gawd, did I really write that?).

    I likes me kisses and cuddles.

    I must be a woman.

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  10. I’m not a woman and I like me kisses and cuddles too. I like other people’s (specifically, guys’) better, though, because I feel a little odd kissing myself and wrapping my arms around myself – especially in public.

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  11. Hav I wondered into a gay site by mistake? There seems a lot of boy fanciers here and I’m not talking about the girls
    Still live n let live I say because I’m very democratic
    It’s all very virtual any way

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  12. Needed
    2 glasses
    some salt
    step 1
    fill 1 glass with water only and the other one with salty water(lots of salt!!)
    step 2
    gargle with the salty water (it will sting a bit and taste like crap but the hard parts nearlly over.)
    step 3
    spit out the salt water into the sink and gargle with the normal water(i reccommend making it lukewarm as ulcers hurt when exposed too cold).
    step 4
    spit out the normal water,your mouth may sting still but it should subside.
    hope it works for you it worked wonders for me!

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  13. I will now try the black and decker treatment. Nothing else seems to work.

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  14. as the ex-girlfriend-proclaimed "poster boy for herpes," i should point out that mouth ulcers and cold sores are two entirely different things.

    cold sores are herpes, are viral, and are contagious.

    mouth ulcers are just ulcers, and are not contagious.

    however, both are rumored to be fucking immensely miserable-making.

    but heed, all boy-fanciers: it is still quite alright to make out with Mark. as long as you can still keep the mood going while said Mark is screaming and clawing in agony.

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  15. Mouth ulcers are caused when your body’s PH is screwed up. Take some bi-carb to re-set your PH. Also drink more fluids.

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