This update has been rated ‘R’ and is intended for Republicans only. It contains high moral stories and plenty of family values that may offend liberal-minded satanists.
Time for some news, especially for you straight-sex loving people of Oregon, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Michigan, Mississippi, Montana, North Dakota, Oklahoma, Ohio, and Utah.
First off, let’s all head to Utah!
Two children, ages 8 and 9, reported Wednesday evening that a white male in his 40s, driving a white pickup truck, called to them as they were walking on the sidewalk in the area of 500 E. 1864 South in Orem. The man invited the kids to get in his truck because he had candy for them
That sounds positively awful! Oh, but wait, it’s okay because Utah is an upholder of morality that doesn’t want gay people getting married. Smiles all around then. Except for the unfortunate paedophile in this instance who didn’t get any.
Utah bores me like no other state! Except the state of boredom. And, after that little joke courtesy of My Dad™ I think we can take a little jaunt over to … wait for it … it’s Ohio!
I have relatives in Ohio (in Cleveland since you asked) so let’s check out what’s happening in Toledo, my favouritist Moledo-rhyming city in the whole of the country!
A Port Clinton man has pleaded guilty to two sex-related charges involving a girl under 13 … Mack pleaded guilty as part of a plea deal under which more serious charges of rape and attempted rape were dismissed
Suppose it had been a boy instead of a girl. And suppose he had tried to marry the boy. Oh, that’s so horrible. I’m shaking just picturing it. Thank God that the will of the moral majority prevented him doing that and kept him on the straight and moral path of straight paedophilia.
Ohio holds my interest no longer. I’d like to take a moment, if I can, to pop down to Mississippi, home of large rivers (the Hudson, if I recall my US geography correctly), steamboats, steamboat willies (some pre-depression nazi porn or so I’ve been led to believe), and incompetent hit-and-run drivers.
Police are searching for a second vehicle that possibly was used last week in the hit-and-run of a 6-year-old girl in south Jackson … school officials helped organize a medical fund Wednesday to help the family with hospital costs.
What? Medical fund charity?! I’ll tell President Bush on you lot! Sorry, got carried away there. Bloody freeloaders. And just why can’t they afford their own health cover? Huh? Not done been educated theyselves good if you ask me. Just for that I almost hope that the drivers in the car were married homosexual deviant men. Almost. They won’t be though because they’re not allowed! Hoorah for Mississippi!
Oklahoma! The state so interesting they made a musical about it: Miss Saigon. It’s certainly more interesting than poxy Mississippi. And more moral too. Why, look!
An Edmond man who is less than a year from completing a three-year suspended sentence on Oklahoma County on drug convictions could be back in trouble with the law … witnesses told police they allegedly saw Warren hang his German Shepherd mix dog by the neck with a chain before beating the dog to death.
Animal curelty makes you feel bad inside doesn’t it? Perhaps you’re crying a little bit now. But there is a happy ending … gays can’t get married! Every cloud and all that.
Come to think of it, I think that musical was Starlight Express. Arkansas is the only state pronounced exactly unlike it’s spelt unless you pronounce it wrong like I do. Arkansas gave the world the morally-reprehensible Clinton but it’s much better now. The people of Arkansas have seen the light. Look!
An unidentified man was found with a gunshot wound to the back of the head and stab wounds to the back and neck in the woods on Thursday, police said … there were no weapons found at the scene and [police] have ruled out suicide and accidental death.
Well done to the police there for some sterling detective work in the face of what is clearly, to me, simply a case of a moral and just action in the moral and just state of Arkansas. My guess: the victim propositioned another man. Didn’t he know he can’t marry a man in Arkansas? Oh, the fool!
Finally, I think we’ll see what the morally superior people in hilariously-named Butte, Montana are up to. Why look! They appear to be distributing white supremacy literature!
White supremacist fliers that appeared in Missoula and Kalispell last weekend also showed up in Butte, according to residents who live near East Middle School … "I was totally shocked and appalled that they were sending out fliers like this," said Newby, who didn’t feel personally attacked by the pamphlet because she has light skin and is of Spanish, French, Scottish and German descent.
Yes, and you didn’t get descended like that from having gay homosexuals in your family tree did you? Count yourself lucky that in Montana gay people can’t get married and that the state is free for heterosexual people to practice safe, family-oriented activities such as keeping down the darkies.
That concludes this week’s straights-only, moral news round-up. If you’ve accidentally viewed this and been offended then you may be harbouring dangerous tolerant genes or may be infected with the Liberal Indignation retrovirus. You will be damned for all eternity in hell. For everyone else: God bless each and every voting one of you!