Every day is Mango Day here at neOnbubble, the home of the mighty Mango!
The History Of The Mango
Cast your mind back to the heady, lazy days of the seventeenth century. It was a time of exploration, a time of plagues, a time of purges against expressive dance, a time of lust in pantaloons. It was also a time of fruit-boredom.
For centuries the people of, at first the Dark Ages, and then the Getting Brighter Ages, had engorged themselves on all the fruits known to man – the plum, the banana, the orange, the tortoise, the melon, the coconut, the apple, and the potato to name but a few – and apathy had begun to set in. Civilisation had become complacent with regards to healthy eating and lusted after the forbidden fruits of cigarettes and cornish pasties. Sicknesses and diseases long-considered extinct or, at worst, confined to France such as rickets, scurvy, and Republicanism were sweeping through populations the world over. Something had to be done and someone had to do the something that had to be done before nobody did nothing about the something.
Sadly, nobody did until the latter half of the nineteenth century when popular scientist Isabella di Mango (Italian discoverer of aerobics and popular because of her insistence in performing it nude) accidentally created the world’s first mango while trying to perfect the rear body reach near a bowl of overripe peaches and a pear with an inferiority complex. One quick call to Malaysia to arrange growing rights and royalties, a naked aerobicist dripping in mango juice advertising campaign, and the mango took the world by storm.
As Isabella aged, her popularity, like her often-exposed breasts, sagged, and with it went the soaraway success of the new fruit. Mangos have been in decline ever since but are set to make a comeback.
Mangos Are Good For You
Mangos, like all fruit except the nasty strawberry, are packed full of nanobots constructed by the progenitors of the human race and seeded on the planet Earth during the Triassic period to fight off arterial sclerosis which was ravaging the dinosaurs at the time. Over the aeons the original nanobot programming of all other fruits has become corrupted through replication errors: damsons cause your ankles to swell, red grapes cure dutch elm disease but dutch elm trees rarely eat them, nectarines sing constantly but at a pitch beyond our hearing, et cetera. Only the mango, due to its recent formation in history, has anything close to the original code intact and is the sole fruit that will fight off lung dessication.
Here are some Mango Facts!
- There is more vitamin C in one mango than in a field of lost jackals,
- one mango can sustain the life of a hunger-striker far longer than not eating anything at all,
- the seed of the mango can also be consumed although it is unsafe to do so and will lead to a mango bush growing in your stomach lining and eventually strangling your lower intestine to death,
- the skin of the mango is full of mangaticide-R which scientists are still experimenting with to see if they can put it in hair products,
- the smell of a perfectly-ripe mango will keep grizzly bears away if those bears have been trained to fear it. Otherwise it attracts them and sends them into a rage.
Promote The Mango
There is now a strong international push to spread the word of the mango beyond the reaches of those who seek to suppress its worth.
Did you know that there is a regular sporting event based entirely on mangos (except in the 1930s when the worldwide mango blight saw the sports replaced by sprouts-based equivalents)? Predating the Modern Olympics by just over a year the Mango Olympics has run every five years for over a century now and attracts visitors and competitors from the important three of the five corners of the globe.
With "sports" such as Mango Tossing, Mangoball, the High-Mango, and Fencing (with mangos) this entertaining 4-day spectacle has yet remained a surprising mystery to most people thanks to the control of the media by the gooseberry-growers cartel.
Mango-based jokes produce more belly laughs per head of state than kiwi fruit anecdotes and lychee one-liners put together; now that’s a whole basketful of funny! Nothing breaks an awkward silence on a first date more perfectly, or subtly introduces the topic of mangos to a lemon-loving colleague better, than a mango joke. Here are some of my favourites:
Q. What is a feminist’s favourite non-phallic fruit?
Q. How many mango-farmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. None. Mangos are cultivated by caterpillars and transported to market on the backs of lice thus negating the necessity of having a farmer.
A mango who?
Have you always been able to speak to talking mangos with the capacity to knock on doors or is this a new development in your mania?
Q. What do you call a woman with two mangos on her head?
A. It’s my friend Joanne. She is mentally disabled and I’ll thank you not to make fun of her.
Mangos Are Better Than Apricots
Goes without saying, so I shan’t bother.
Embrace the mango, smother it to your breast, nurture your tropical fruit brethren. And shun blackberries that grow alongside motorways for they harbour bad dreams and many conceal flick-knives too.