Mangos, Mangos, Mangos

Mango ManiaEvery day is Mango Day here at neOnbubble, the home of the mighty Mango!

The History Of The Mango

Cast your mind back to the heady, lazy days of the seventeenth century. It was a time of exploration, a time of plagues, a time of purges against expressive dance, a time of lust in pantaloons. It was also a time of fruit-boredom.

For centuries the people of, at first the Dark Ages, and then the Getting Brighter Ages, had engorged themselves on all the fruits known to man – the plum, the banana, the orange, the tortoise, the melon, the coconut, the apple, and the potato to name but a few – and apathy had begun to set in. Civilisation had become complacent with regards to healthy eating and lusted after the forbidden fruits of cigarettes and cornish pasties. Sicknesses and diseases long-considered extinct or, at worst, confined to France such as rickets, scurvy, and Republicanism were sweeping through populations the world over. Something had to be done and someone had to do the something that had to be done before nobody did nothing about the something.

Sadly, nobody did until the latter half of the nineteenth century when popular scientist Isabella di Mango (Italian discoverer of aerobics and popular because of her insistence in performing it nude) accidentally created the world’s first mango while trying to perfect the rear body reach near a bowl of overripe peaches and a pear with an inferiority complex. One quick call to Malaysia to arrange growing rights and royalties, a naked aerobicist dripping in mango juice advertising campaign, and the mango took the world by storm.

As Isabella aged, her popularity, like her often-exposed breasts, sagged, and with it went the soaraway success of the new fruit. Mangos have been in decline ever since but are set to make a comeback.

Mangos Are Good For You

Mangos, like all fruit except the nasty strawberry, are packed full of nanobots constructed by the progenitors of the human race and seeded on the planet Earth during the Triassic period to fight off arterial sclerosis which was ravaging the dinosaurs at the time. Over the aeons the original nanobot programming of all other fruits has become corrupted through replication errors: damsons cause your ankles to swell, red grapes cure dutch elm disease but dutch elm trees rarely eat them, nectarines sing constantly but at a pitch beyond our hearing, et cetera. Only the mango, due to its recent formation in history, has anything close to the original code intact and is the sole fruit that will fight off lung dessication.

Here are some Mango Facts!

  • There is more vitamin C in one mango than in a field of lost jackals,
  • one mango can sustain the life of a hunger-striker far longer than not eating anything at all,
  • the seed of the mango can also be consumed although it is unsafe to do so and will lead to a mango bush growing in your stomach lining and eventually strangling your lower intestine to death,
  • the skin of the mango is full of mangaticide-R which scientists are still experimenting with to see if they can put it in hair products,
  • the smell of a perfectly-ripe mango will keep grizzly bears away if those bears have been trained to fear it. Otherwise it attracts them and sends them into a rage.

Promote The Mango

Massive MangosThere is now a strong international push to spread the word of the mango beyond the reaches of those who seek to suppress its worth.

Did you know that there is a regular sporting event based entirely on mangos (except in the 1930s when the worldwide mango blight saw the sports replaced by sprouts-based equivalents)? Predating the Modern Olympics by just over a year the Mango Olympics has run every five years for over a century now and attracts visitors and competitors from the important three of the five corners of the globe.

With "sports" such as Mango Tossing, Mangoball, the High-Mango, and Fencing (with mangos) this entertaining 4-day spectacle has yet remained a surprising mystery to most people thanks to the control of the media by the gooseberry-growers cartel.

Mango-based jokes produce more belly laughs per head of state than kiwi fruit anecdotes and lychee one-liners put together; now that’s a whole basketful of funny! Nothing breaks an awkward silence on a first date more perfectly, or subtly introduces the topic of mangos to a lemon-loving colleague better, than a mango joke. Here are some of my favourites:

Q. What is a feminist’s favourite non-phallic fruit?
A. Mango.

Q. How many mango-farmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. None. Mangos are cultivated by caterpillars and transported to market on the backs of lice thus negating the necessity of having a farmer.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
A mango.
A mango who?
Have you always been able to speak to talking mangos with the capacity to knock on doors or is this a new development in your mania?

Q. What do you call a woman with two mangos on her head?
A. It’s my friend Joanne. She is mentally disabled and I’ll thank you not to make fun of her.

Mangos Are Better Than Apricots

Goes without saying, so I shan’t bother.

Embrace the mango, smother it to your breast, nurture your tropical fruit brethren. And shun blackberries that grow alongside motorways for they harbour bad dreams and many conceal flick-knives too.

Author: Mark

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10 Comments

  1. I must be feeling especially silly tonight as I must have laughed for a good half an hour at this line: "There is more vitamin C in one mango than in a field of lost jackals."

    BWAAHHAHAHA. omg, that was an eleventeen on the good ol’ random-o-meter. so funny. must…stop…laughing. and flick-knife? i know you don’t mean, "switch blade." omg, flick-knife doesn’t sound nearly as intimidating. when i hear the word "flick" the first thing that pops in my head is flicking boogers out of my nose.

    oh, and mangoes. that sounds homosexual and as i’ve said before, i boldy go where no mangoes.

    ok, i tried 🙁

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  2. ‘Mango’ spelled backwards is ‘Ognam’. That’s why I don’t trust them. I like a fruit you can depend on. A good fruit in a tight corner.

    Oh, and the tortoise is not a fruit. It’s a vegetable. An innocent mistake perhaps, but then why should the poor creatures be forced into hiding, or else to find badly paid dangerous jobs in the big city?

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  3. mangoes do, indeed, RAWK. Get them somewhere tropical for the full RAWK effect, UK mangoes suck dogs balls.

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  4. I feel really bad about not leaving comments more often but there’s only so many times you can say ROFL without becoming a bore. Or even more of a bore some might say. But your posts are always excellent/funny/thought-provoking and I should say that more.

    I’ve just remembered that my grandparents had a pet tortoise for many years until the day a gang of yobs descended on the street, stole little Humphrey (among other things), took him apart and left him to die. Barstewards. Maybe they attended the NeonBubble/Frank O’Connor school of biology and thought they had a tasty snack on their hands? 😉

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  5. Daisy, don’t feel bad about not leaving comments on other sites – I barely leave any on my own. But that tortoise story made me angry and sad at the same time. I call it sandgry.

    Cheebiebaby – flick-knife, switch-blade, or pingy-pongy-pointy are all perfectly interchangeable in this country.

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  6. goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood mad

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  7. Mangoes are juicy but melons are more bouncy! Depends what sort of guy you are really!

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  8. Finally the mango clan will rise up and take over the internet with peace and tolerance!

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