Make Money Online With Blackmail

BlackmailAsk the average person in the street who’s not bearded, dressed in brown, and sitting on cardboard in a puddle of his own piss what that there internet is for and you’ll most likely receive the answer:

"Why! That there internet there is a means by which I can choose to either make money or part with money as the fancy takes me. No matter what choice I make, some money somewhere will be leaving one place and going someplace else and that’s all down to that there internet there. There."

Making money on the internet is what a lot of people claim they either do or can help you do because they‘ve finished doing. And yet, in my many travels along the internet’s highways, byways, and overgrown paths littered with blackened banana skins and suspiciously dirty underwear the money-making tips and tricks offered by these formerly-mentioned "lot of people" amounts to only:

  • put lots of adverts on your website for things nobody in their right mind would even search online for ever ("I’ll just check out some Phillipine mum blogs to see if any of them have special offers on tunnel excavation equipment")
  • get paid to promote the most odd things ever ("A break from the norm today here on Ultimate Crochet: have you ever considered weather forecast insurance?")
  • sell some truly horrendous piece of tat you made ("I’ve made four hundred of these pieces of card with rubber bands glued on them. If you’d like one …")
  • tell other people to tell other people what you’re telling other people about the secrets of making money online while running odd adverts, promoting unrelated crud, and selling tat.

You might make money by following those tips. But you might definitely might maybe make more money mayhaps with my exclusive money-making magic instead! Interested? What’s the secret?

Internet Blackmail Swap ‘N’ Threat

Blackmail for the virtual age means money for the real you! Blackmail, extortion, demanding monies with menaces, coersive fund-transference, road tax, suggested donations: call it what you will but the result is always the same. Money, money, money, and, often, prison sex but not the good kind where it’s just female guards and attractive lady prisoners and mood lighting. There’s no reward without risk but how do we reduce the risk?

Swap. Blackmail.

Everyone’s got some juicy piece of information about someone else. Some titbit of news that’s worth a little something. But chances are that the someone else will know it’s you issuing the threat and that could spell deadly danger of the deadly kind. Ooh! Deadly.

So why not exchange extortions? Well, why wouldn’t you when there are all these benefits?

  • you can arrange to have an alibi when the threatening emails come in
  • you’ll pass polygraph testing with ease if the police are called in
  • you get access to exclusive incriminating evidence on complete strangers
  • beta invites to the new blackmailer social website Frettn

A simple 50-50 system where the blackmailer and supplier of the blackmail information split the pay-off equally ensures you can sit back and earn just by knowing things, all the while reassured that you can fill your wallet to bursting by offering to put the squeeze on somebody else’s behalf at a time that’s convenient for you.

Why not take a look at some of the money-making blackmail schemes in the Internet Blackmail Swap ‘N’ Threat pipeline right now?

BlackmailMoney-Maker: Wil W.

Blackmail: This well-respected actor, writer, and poker player’s fans just might be a little disturbed to hear about his alleged penchant for parties. Not just any parties, though. We’re talking about wigs and shoes and unconventional clothing for a grown man. That’s right: it’s clown parties. Urgh! Oh, how could you? That’s the sort of revelation that’s going to … Crusher your fans!

Evidence: A horn with fingerprints, large trousers with the name ‘Wil’ sewn in the back.

ExtortMoney-Maker: Claire P.

Blackmail: Everyone knows this rambler, doodler, and website owner as one of "the good guys". She’s got a heart of gold, hair of flame, a collection of inflatable sex toys to die for, and she wants nothing more than to help others. Butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth …

… but liquidised kittens would!

Evidence: Photographs, camera phone video footage, a clogged up Magimix, a distraught mother cat.

CoerceMoney-Maker: Pope B.

Blackmail: It takes a special sort of person to willingly dress up as an elf and roam through the countryside casting pretend spells, firing invisible arrows, rolling genuine dice, and talking about experience points to other people insisting they be called Grendor the Mage for the day. Not special as in special. The other kind of special.

Also, maybe, leaders of quite popular world religions.

Evidence: Password to secret weblog by Benny the Grey, +1 Bow of Bellend.

If you’re interested in extorting some beans from one of these people or people just like these people, or you’ve got some blackmailable information of your own on someone from whom you’d like to coerce cold cash then put away your scruples and SIGN UP NOW!

It’s safe! It’s fun! Well, it’s safeish! Anyway, it’ll make you money today!

Internet Blackmail Swap ‘N’ Threat

Author: Mark

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17 Comments

  1. I always knew that Claire was up to something … Kittens must be how she keeps that minxy glow about her.

    Now I can throw away all those cardboard tat I have been holding onto.

    I can’t wait to check out Frettn, it sounds fierce. And of course once there is a way to hack into zobzee and get all the juiciest thoughts out of people, think of the ramifications!

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  2. Absolute instant classic GENIUS funny post.

    -But you didn’t tell anyone about my footie pajamas, did you?

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  3. Melissa: The best minxy glows come from the freshest kittens.

    LOBO: Thanks. Footie PJs are nothing to be ashamed of. A comprehensive dossier on your Stars Of Netball underpants, however, is in the works as we speak.

    Post a Reply
    • I DO BLACK MALERS WORK HAVE YOU HAVE JOB FOR ME THEN YOU CONTACT ME

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  4. Well Hell, you’ve just blown my bubble. I was just about to stick all those crapola adds on my site, write an infoblogmercial on the benefits of owning a pre-loved Ukrainian radioactive gamma ray detector AND subscribe to all those feeds of people making gazillions of $$ on the net and who want to tell me how to do it too.

    But, Hey … I’m in for the $$. Let the Blackmail roll …

    Great post Mark!

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  5. Ha, how did you know I hate cats?

    Its not something I am ashamed of at all, they kill cute little birdies!

    You haven’t got anything on me 🙂

    I want in on this awesome money making scheme, I have the knowledge on lots of people 🙂

    PS. They are not sex toys! not the ones you have seen anyways.

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  6. Do you have a banner?

    This is one of my fave and daily checked sites …

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  7. The Success: Amazing. Yes, that’s what I was going for.

    Dale: Welcome aboard. Your Frettn invitation is in the mail.

    Claire: Birdies shit on cars. Ergo birdies are not cute. Your detestable cat-hating aside, your knowledge will be a worthwhile addition. Seeing the toys we’ve not seen yet, even more so.

    Lobo: Banners! Banners! We don’ need no steenkin’ banners! But have this one anyway:

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  8. Frettn– genius. Web 2.0. But to you? 1.8. And I’m cutting my own pipes here.

    Re means-of-making money online, Method 1:
    check out http://dogscocks.com Gotta love that strapline! "What you need, when you need it"

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  9. Who says you get to see any more toys?

    Cats shit in my garden and they stink and they make horrid yowling noises at night.
    Ergo they should be liquidised.

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  10. Gotta agree with Claire on this one. My personal war with other peoples cats and the feline latrine I apparently prefer to call a garden is ongoing…

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  11. Hooray someone agrees with me!

    I am surrounded by pussy cats and have to chase them out the garden all the time, the buggers!

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  12. Earthling Mark,
    You have given me my biggest laugh since ending up in a field near Stephenville, Texas last January when some Bubba shot down my saucer.

    I have dropped on your site many times, I am tickled green that I stopped today to read this article. Your are proof that humans are still evolving.

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  13. u know if it woz repackaged a wee bit say like "Make Money With Online Blackmail" it would sound more user friendly don’t u think?

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  14. But it would be misleading windup. After all, the blackmail itself might be via normal mail, phonecalls, or chance encounters. That’s real life blackmail and not your online variety. You’d make the money online since the process of socialising with fellow blackmailers is virtual.

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