Losing Weight At Home

We’re all fatter than ever before. Some people blame this on al Qaeda, others on the dust that falls from burning meteorites and clings to our epidermis, and more still on the natural result of a universe being stretched like a multidimensional chest expander by an Emperor Transdimensional Penguinope.

The answer to fatness is fitness and the place to get fit is the gym. However, the place to get fit – the gym – is also an expensive abomination filled with people who are already fit; the gym is no place for the fat. Catch 22. So, how do you get fit enough to be able to go to the gym in order to get fit enough to not need to go to the gym but still go so that there’s no way fat people can go without feeling bad because they’re fat and not fit and the gym’s full of fit and not fat people?

Exercise BedWell, if you’re working in an office then you can always follow the neOnbubble Office Exercises regime. However, in these days of credit crunches, global recessions, and mums who know how to work a computer without having to call their son twenty times a day there’s a whole new subspecies of human who work – or don’t – in their own homes. How can you possibly get fit while you’re lazing about indoors? Let me introduce the neOnbubble Exercise System For Home!

Stretching And Flexibility
Before you commence any of the exercises designed to target specific muscle groups or fat deposits it’s vitally important to make sure you’ve stretched properly. Okay, not vitally important; I mean, have you ever seen kids run off to play in the park and pull a hamstring because they didn’t jog up and down and perform a few lunges and squats first? But it’s reasonably important. Okay, not reasonably important either. It’s fairly important for footballers otherwise women will never go to watch the games. For everyone else, including you in your home, you can probably skip stretching altogether.

However, if you want to stretch anyway but aren’t convinced that a set system of "lunge this way, thrust that way, crouch like this" is right for you – it might get boring, you could be forgetful, or it might remind you of your career in the porn industry – then simply try washing up and carrying crockery around the house while wearing oven gloves. Every exercise will be slightly different, guaranteed. Your frantic attempts to catch cutlery, cups, and plates before they cause untold physical and financial damage should loosen up most of your muscles in no time. And your bowels too if you’ve got any crystal glassware.

Neck Toning
I know what you’re thinking: "Neck toning! How does that help to get you fit? There are no neck toning machines at the gym are there? Did you take your medicine?" The answers are: it doesn’t exactly, like I’d know, and we fear the medicine; the medicine is no friend of ours.

No, neck toning doesn’t aid fitness directly. However, one of the first things we see when we look in the mirror – unless we’re one half of that strange gay couple I did some sound insulation work for around their flat once who positioned square mirror tiles at waist height on the walls of their bedroom – is the face. The face seats itself upon the neck. A jowelly face and neck that merges with the shoulders can depress us, and one of the keys to getting fitter is feeling fabulouser. If you can see a big difference in your general appearance then you’ll be more inclined to carry on with your exercises. Positive thinking is vitally important to performing well in any physical exercise. Okay, not vitally important; otherwise the world of boxing would end up in one hell of a lot of draws.

But back to the neck toning exercise: reach your hand down the back of your sofa (or couch (or settee (no, I don’t know what the difference is either))) and pull out the first thing you can. Solidified belly button lint, crispy dead spider skin, part of a former pizza topping, Lord Lucan; whatever it is you find and no matter how big or small just pop it in your mouth and give it a chew. Your natural reaction of revulsion and fighting the gag reflex will stretch and strengthen your neck muscles, tautening the skin. To add in an abdominal workout swallow whatever you chew and try to keep it down.

Cardiovascular Workout And New Furniture
Rounding up released rats, having sex with the neighbour, and running away after a successful mugging are just three ways to get a good cardiovascular workout but only the neOnbubble Home Exercise System bestows upon you new furniture and household appliances at the same time! In fact, rounding up rats gives you the plague, sex with the neighbour gets you chlamydia, and mugging leads to you developing full-blown AIDS during prison. When other cardio exercises shorten your lifespan only this site offers you a fitness system that also decks your house out with the latest gadgetry and furnishings. But how?

All you’ll need is half the contents of whatever bottles you keep under your kitchen sink, a dozen smoke alarms, and several sheets of paper. Write down instructions to fit the alarms in inconvenient places and set fire to the paper on each sheet, mix up the sub-kitchen sink bottles’ contents while breathing in deeply of the fumes, and start to read the instructions repeatedly. After a short time you’ll recover your senses but not your memory and will come around to a burning house filled with shrieking alarms. Now your cardio workout can start as you hurtle through your home dousing flames and trying to disable the annoying sounds. Afterwards, when the assessors inject you with Sodium Pentathol and hook you up to the polygraph in the Ministry of Insurance you can successfully assert no knowledge about who set the numerous flash points in your house and make a successful claim. It’s a new and stronger heart, a new and flashier home, and the fumes might just give your sinuses a good clearout too.

SpelunkingMuscle Build-Up And Strength Training
It’s often said that the strongest muscle in human body is the mind. However, scientific tests continually confirm that little fingers still outperform telekinesis as a method for making objects move so forget about exercising your mind muscle and concentrate on all the other good ones instead.

Go to a gym and you’ll find an expensive machine that helps build strong biceps. It’s probably next to one that helps build strong triceps. There’ll be one for quadruceps nearby too. Maybe quinceps as well. And sexceps, perhaps? I won’t pretend to know for certain: when I was at school I didn’t waste time with lessons on biology and the history of gymnasiums; I did physics and comparative religions of amphibians instead. We had a choice. That’s private education for you.

Anyway, that’s a lot of machines! Do you know how many machines you need for a total body workout guaranteed to build muscle mass and remove fat before your very eyes using the neOnbubble Homecercise System?

None!

Or one if you count the dog that you’ll need but dogs aren’t really machines except in some metaphorical sense. Unless Robosapien has a new model out and you can use that. But probably none is still the answer really.

None! You’ll just need a dog – alsatians are good for this; poodles less so – and plenty of newspaper. How is this going to build up muscles? Are you going to roll the papers up and smack the dog about with them? No! That’s crazy. Smacking dogs with rolled-up papers is just plain wrong! That would never help you strengthen your legs. Instead, simply dress yourself from head to toe with the newspapers and post yourself through the letterbox to your house. Then it’s time for an all-out, full-on mano-a-pawo as the dog acts on its natural hatred for the media and you act on your natural hatred of being thrown about and chewed by a dog acting on its natural hatred of the media. In no time at all you’ll see muscles where you never saw them before. In early cases this will likely be through openings in the exposed flesh torn apart by your canine exercise partner but with regular practice you’ll soon build up genuine strength in your arms, legs, buttocks, and screaming organ too.

Only the Chuck Norris Total Gym comes close to achieving the same sort of complete fitness development curve increasement jargon benefit buzzword improveability of the neOnbubble Homer Simpson and – as close as it comes – it simply doesn’t come close enough. Don’t delay; get fit today. In your own home. Out of public view.

Author: Mark

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5 Comments

  1. I’m game for anything that will help me work on those hard-to-reach quinceps and sexceps. Bring it ON! :D

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  2. Well, you may find your sexceps hard-to-reach but I’ve never had any trouble with mine.

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  3. "Neck toning" now that’s a new one. Sounds like the title of an e-book.
    Best,
    stephen

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  4. invite your local lumberjack into your home and ask him to chop your legs off…..job done.

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  5. I keep fit by building semtex bombs and setting them off in retirement homes.

    It’s a strenuous activity at times. For that matter, so is evading the cops.

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