Lonely Hearts

These are actual adverts from the Lonely Hearts section of my local, free newspaper.

Lonely Heart

Antonio is sick-to-death of fake females. Please! No more fake females. The Adam’s Apple? Dead giveaway.

Lonely Heart

You’re single? Oh you must meet my friend! What’s he like? Erm. Refreshingly unusual. Seriously, you won’t notice the third arm and constant snorting after a while.

Lonely Heart

Hi, nice to meet you. You were a secretary I hear. Me? Oh, I used to be horse glue.

Lonely Heart

People say my best features are my dark, long eyes. I can see very well at night but it takes me three seconds to blink so I can’t drive or operate heavy machinery.

Lonely Heart

Dude! That’s your mum! Gross!

Author: Mark

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12 Comments

  1. Very funny! I especially liked your commentaries! Dropping in from Entrecard! See ya

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  2. I do feel some pity for these poor people, having their loneliness and poor English laughed at by the likes of you and me. Assuming you were in their position Mark (single, and sufficiently desperate to advertise the fact) what would your ad say?

    In my area the local paper has a section called "Find a Friend", or as most people I know prefer to call it: "Find a Fiend" (having witnessed the quality of individual their postings belie).

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  3. I wonder if Bubbly Lady is also Neonny.

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  4. Bob O: Thanks.

    .45: If she is then that would also aid her night vision. However, she would attract moths. Not so good.

    Grazor: What would my ad say?

    N/S M, FTE, OHACAC, CA, WE, GSOH, DMS, BOAL, PTTOV, COM WLTM similar only not M although I’m fine with that only it’s not for me

    And yours?

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  5. funny post…

    By the way, dropped you an entrecard !!! Good day! : )

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  6. The local rag wouldn’t print mine, something about being too explicit…

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  7. Farmer’s son seeks farmer’s wife. Now that there is a quality personal ad. He’s not the least bit ashamed of his potential incestuous liasons either. Top bloody stuff.

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  8. It’s always the "refreshingly unusual" seeking the "gorgeous."
    These were too funny, thanks for sharing. I’ll have to see if my own local rag has these.
    ~Lisa

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  9. My ad would be very brief indeed: ‘Lord. Rich. Big cock’.

    Done and indeed done.

    Excellent work, by the way.

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  10. ‘Man seeks woman for penetrative sex.’

    There’s just no honesty in ads these days.

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  11. Math – that’s pretty much what I had to tone my advert down to before they would print it. I would therefore argue that honesty is not always the best policy.

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