I like a bit of meat on women. But I draw the line at a hot dog in the folds of the jowls.Britons, you are becoming fat!

More accurately, we’re becoming fat. Even more accurately, we’re becoming fatter. I could get even more accurate than this but my tubby fingers will sweat too much from excessive typing and drown my pets.

Now, obesity is a problem apparently because at some point somebody will become supermassive and form an event horizon. Into the huge gravity well all the food on the planet will be sucked and all the other fatties will stampede after it causing earthquakes, tsunamis, and a rather catchy bassline that Fatboy Slim will just have time to record before the world ends with a rather disappointing pop.

What’s one of the recommendations for tackling this impending tubbiness? No more adverts for fatty foods for kids. Right.

But anyone with a brain – and I’d like to think of myself as an anyone with a brain – knows that blaming adverts for causing the future epidemic of lard-related illnesses is preposterous. Remember, it wasn’t that long ago that anorexia was blamed on pictures of skinny models in magazines like Teen Waif. If adverts of fatty foods make people fat … and pictures of skinny people make people thin … then … and stop me if this isn’t too obvious … just give pictures of skinny people to fat people and sit anorexic victims in front of television adverts for hamburgers. Problems solved.

Let’s just assume for one moment that the government won’t take the drastic action of arming fat, girlfriendless boys with photos of skinny, half-naked ladies for some reason (even though a whole generation of champion javelin, discus, and shot putt athletes could be yet another benefit to emerge.) What then are possible solutions to this weighty problem?

More Vegetable And Fruit Adverts

Fatty food adverts make people eat fatty foods? Then I guess there can’t be enough adverts of vegetables or fruits on television.

Before I go any further – no, I’m not referring to David Hasselhoff. Some people don’t like him but those people have issues they need to sort out with their priest. Let’s be very clear: David Hasselhoff is a God. I’d even go so far as to say I’m gay for David Hasselhoff. But only in my mind. I’d never say that in public.

Come on! Who, after watching an advert that featured Britney Spears squatting over some chubby guy’s face and pulling a banana out of her snatch to feed him, wouldn’t rush out and buy a bunch right there and then? Hell, I’m seriously considering some succulent banana right now.

Bring Back The Draft

There’s nothing like enforced military service to keep you in good physical condition. Something about making yourself less of a target probably.

Americans are going to experience this particular dieting technique first-hand in the next few years if current rumours pan out: active reserves are being called up already, inactive reserves are being advised to re-sign-up early to avoid front-line duty positions, and whispers that post-election bills in Congress early next year may include a limited draft to cover the increasingly overstretched requirements of the armed forces.

There are old soldiers and bold soldiers but no old, bold soldiers. Or fat ones.

Adventure Supermarkets

People are always going to want to eat fatty and sweet foods because fat and sugar makes things taste nice. There’s no other way to get around it. Yes, we all know a carrot and a raw potato are better for you than an easter egg and syrup sandwich but that sandwich is going to be picked every single time that a normal person is around. So, if you can’t stop people from eating the things they like – and why should you even try you vile David Blunkett-wannabe? – then you need to get people to exercise to offset the calorific impact.

Telling people to exercise doesn’t work because people poke your eyes out with pointy sticks when you try. Putting television programmes on that promote exercise doesn’t work either: I will quite happily watch Aerobics Oz Style from start to finish but it’s a rare event indeed that sees more than a couple of muscles get exercised in some fashion. Eye muscles. I meant eye muscles. Eye muscles.

What about making the shopping experience slightly more cumbersome for less healthy foods? Is this a blueprint for the supermarket of the future?

Nobody gets chocolate without running the gauntlet of pikeys!

I think we can all see it isn’t. For instance, I forgot about the alcohol and DVD sections. And toiletries. And cat food.

Author: Mark

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  1. Horizontal jogging does not burn off calories at all – that’s an urban myth – as heat caused by friction during the act of "doing the nasty" causes heavier molecules in the body to break down and reform as fat in the thighs.

    Your mother and neighbour’s candid photo was taken during my recent stake-out of your property trying to grab pictures of you in the nude. Sadly, it became too cold in the car so I put my clothes back on and went home.

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  2. I find the picture very erotic. There’s nothing more enticing than a pair of female salad dodgers feeding each other McDonalds chips to turn a mans head.

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  3. Wow ! A whole aisle for Acid ! That’s gonna be one HELLUVA trip dude 8-/

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  4. Come on now razor – there’s no need to be shy, we know that picture is now your PC wallpaper. I know it’s mine. Ooh, give us a chip love!

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  5. They’d probably run out of stock on all the "hazards" .. you know how much grannies like 3 for 2 on life threatening obstacles.

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  6. I’d like to exercise but I can’t get my podgy arse off the armchair. Sorry!

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  7. >the government won’t take the drastic action of arming fat,
    >girlfriendless boys with photos of skinny, half-naked ladies

    this is FHM’s job

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  8. Genius. Sheer bloody genius. Have you had the call from number 10 yet?

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