Kill All Politicians

Political deathDemocracy is broken and the politicans broke it. We need to fix the system and that’s going to need a do-over, starting with the very people we elect to ignore our wishes and do whatever the hell it is they want anyway at our expense. It’s time to kill ’em all. Ironically, obviously, for entertainment purposes. Maybe whoever takes their place in Democracy 2.0 will think twice before ignoring the will of the populace then.

Tony Blair
I know he’s stepping down soon but he’ll always be around fucking something up, advising somebody badly, and advancing some other scheme designed to endanger the public, strip them of their privacy, and pilfer their savings in some way. Tony’s death – like his life – must come with a smile attached. A great, grinning, fake smile. Since he hates privacy so much it must occur in public so everyone can see. He likes stripping money from honest earners so it wouldn’t be fair to strip him of his cash since he’s not performed an iota of honest work in office. He can still be stripped though. Some ladies might enjoy that.

Method Of Death: Guinness World Record attempt, live on television, to set the largest number of clowns dropped from a hot air balloon onto a naked, pegged politician. Ten thousand grinning, honking, oversized-trousers-wearing, splatting clowns! What a spectacle!

George W. Bush
Not the smartest cookie in the box of retarded and lobotomised cookies, pro-religion, pro-rich, pro-chuckling, pro-Dick, pro-innapropriate massaging, anti-doors, anti-bikes, anti-Segways, anti-questions, pro-vacations.

Method Of Death: Sellotape him up inside a Xenu costume and deliver him to a by-invite-only for Operating Thetan Level VIII Scientologists knife-appreciation event, raising funds for victims of Katrina.

John Reid
British Home Secretary who most people would much prefer stay home and do the filing, perhaps fetching a cup of coffee if it wouldn’t be too much trouble, and showing a bit of leg every now and then. Wait, not that. May actually be a clean-shaven David Blunkett with eye implants as nobody sees the two of them together. Wants to rid us all of our human rights and personal freedoms in order to protect our human rights and personal freedoms, hates immigrants, hates habeas corpus as it sounds like a foreign phrase such as that spoken by a foreigner in times of foreignness.

Method Of Death: Boiled alive by our friends in Uzbekistan, turned into Soup de John, and then served with fresh cockles picked by Chinese workers in Lancashire.

Nancy Pelosi
Democrat, speaker of the House of Representatives, and a woman! Imagine that! Demonstrated good verbal skills – although when up against President Downs Syndrome that’s not hard – and a complete lack of backbone when overseeing and agreeing to a timetableless war funding bill against the wishes of the public (oh, there’s a surprise). Went to Syria and didn’t bring anything back; not even a box of dates. I don’t like dates but the thought would have been nice and it would be interesting to see the packaging because that sort of thing interests me.

Method Of Death: Spine removed and force-fed into her in sizeable chunks, her now-flexible body then reshaped as a haemmorhoid pillow and used to take some of the strain off Karl Rove’s buttocks if he ever gets sent to prison as deserved.

Gordon Brown
Brown ZoolanderSoon-to-be new leader of the Labour party. Under his economic guidance inflation has been rising and we’re all looking forward to crippling financial debts in the years to come thanks to dreadfully-managed private finance initiatives. A keen fan of Zoolander, he often poses using Magnum or Blue Thunder for photographs. Has about as much savvy as Zoolander too.

Method Of Death: Legs broken, body filled with helium, and let go to float over the North Sea where oil riggers are invited to shoot him down with Magnums (the gun, not the ice cream) and win a prize. That prize being the satisfaction of shooting down an inflated politician with Magnums. Better than sex.

Dick Cheney
High-ranking member of the party that hates homosexuals, father of a lesbian, grandfather of the spawn of a lesbian, generally hangs around with lesbians and lesbian-likers quite a bit even though he isn’t one himself (allegedly), likes hunting crippled animals and shooting friends to relax. Almost as much as ordering the shooting of enemies. But not quite. Only a three or a four on the stiffyometer perhaps.

Method Of Death: Bukkaked to a suffocating death by Boy George. How do you like getting shot in the face Dick?

David Cameron
Leader of the Conservatives, desperately trying to model the party as a genuine alternative to the Labour party that stole all his own’s ideas by advocating tolerance of bastardly-annoying youths and promoting green issues. David’s hip and trendy and cool like a cool and trendy dude with hips and he has a webcam from which he often broadcasts genuine and real moments of genuine reality from his really quite genuine life.

Method Of Death: Stuck inside an ecologically-friendly wicker man with as many bastardly-annoying youths as will fit, set atop some more bastardly-annoying youths specially dried out to use as tindling, and then set alight. Webcam positioned inside to record and broadcast genuine and really not scripted screams of "Don’t do this! You don’t have to do this! Dear God, please! Jesus! Jesus!"

I really don’t like politicians.

Author: Mark

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  1. I object to the insult you delivered to all of those poor people with Down’s syndrome out there–they are MUCH smarter than The Shrub. 😉
    As for Tricky Dick, the best thing to do to him is to demote him from VP to Girl Scout. He should thenceforward be forced to make his living by selling those stupid cookies door-to-door. He’s so hated over here that he wouldn’t make a dime, even though everybody I know LOVES Thin Mints.

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    Hmmm … a day or two after admitting that three terror suspects have gone missing and POW! a new law about to come in allowing the Police carte blanche to question you – which they can already, of course, as talking isn’t a crime – and then lock you up and fine you £5000 if they don’t feel you’re cooperating – which is the new bit and is a nice little earner/intimidation power. And all this before Brown steps in as the actual leader so it can’t be blamed on him. Sieg heil Dr Reid.

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  3. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Oh. My. Sorry, I just get so tired of the anti-Bush rants by people who think murder is funny.

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  4. The author is right on. I am constantly amazed at how much more effective politicians are AFTER they leave office. They are more intellectually honest, they speak to the issues rather than pandering to a party. Having seen this happen with Bob Dole, George Bush, Sr. and Bill Clinton I am convinced that it is the partisan politics that is bogging down our political system and the ability of America to move forward. Eliminate the political parties and let representatives of the people once again represent the people.

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  5. kill all foreigners in my country, or get the fuck out

    Owner Edit
    This comment was left by IP address looking for "kill labour politicians"

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  6. damn straight! Politicians are the enemy of Americans. Exactly why I dont vote. Im not putting any lying, two faced, crooked sob in office. Not even if its the dog catcher

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  7. Total anarchy is the only solution. Storm Washington and remove every elected official in office that YOU put there. Return the country to the people to be run by the people. Not self serving criminals you are stupid enough to put in power!

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  8. im goin to shoot goveners and all the illegal aliens no wat fucked up bush and the rest of them are up 2 cant wait 4 anarkey so i kill 4 a reason

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  9. what is with this country just today i read that foreigners are offended by our flag and they want to remove it. by the time this is all over fucking Afghanistan will be running our country. and why cause politicans give everything away no wonder theres a bloody recession when illegal immigrants get money to leave the fucking country. if we went over there and say we where offened we would be told to shutup and if u dont like it GTFO. dicks that are in the house of commons shape up and let the fucking english run the damm country not foreigners and dont pay them fuck all. if they get money i want my share of the money!

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  10. REVOLUTION???????????????? OR THE SAMETHING

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  13. What is every1 w8ing for….Kill em,…Kill em all.
    Does any1 even remember how politics got started,…
    Some Dick head thought it might be a good idea to go from town to town
    selling Law and Order,….& look what it has escalated to.
    Stupid humans,Its only a matter of time before we Kill ourselves,Thats what the statistics say anyway.

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  14. Fuck them all, if you can figure out who they are.

    I give the states about 2 years until it all goes to hell

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  15. Irrelevant. The sole purpose of humans is to better theirselves. This is known as greed. We are at war with everybody and everthing. Get a gun and kill your enemies. Armageddon!

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  16. To G Bush and all the other world leaders…your days are numbered.
    Mark my words you fuckin scum of the earth motherfuckers….the day will quickly arrive when you all have pushed the honest souls of this planet too far…and you will be answering questions from the end of a loaded double barrel shotgun pointing at your faces…try lying then cock sucking motherfuckers .

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  17. Needs some updating, but hey you’re right.
    The systems bust. No one realises it is and we carry on the same old bullshite game thinking that the politicians (aka sons and daughters of the almighty god pope shove it my ass) have to solve all the problems and get angry when they dont.
    Yes we need a revolution But lets just behead them, like we did the aristocracy. That would be more significant.
    By the way, whens the next crash coming? We’re got a nice breather with the bailout drug. But how long have we got left.

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  18. We need to declare war on the current u.s. government and restore this country back to what our forefathers had in mind.

    Governors, mayors and thugs with badges who are violating the u.s. constitution and denying people their first amendment rights to protest should be immediately executed.

    Time to take back the u.s. government, eliminate the department of homeland stupidity, eliminate the unpatriot act, eliminate doma, and keep religion where it belongs, in a book of fairy tales.

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    • ” . . . restore this country back what our forefathers had in mind.” Clearly, you’ve lost yours! What, back to genocide of indigenous people, back to slavery, back to only landowners getting to vote, back to business interests making all the decisions? The Constitution was written by wealthy landowners and businessman and military “heroes.” Gosh, does that ring a bell? What’s changed?

      We need a true revolution, a destruction of corporations and capitalism, the end of militarism and paramilitary domestic repression, an end to the failed electoral system, and end to all Republicans and Democrats by whatever means necessary. Considering what’s already happening in this country, people should already have quit their jobs and be out in the street making trouble 24/7/365 until the job is done. This government, literally and figuratively, needs to be blown apart.

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