Judge Judy. Somehow, seeing how thoroughly stupid and greedy people can be makes me feel better. But, more than that, Judge Judy distracts me in other ways too. She’s everything I look for in a fantasy woman: smart, female, and strict. And she’s probably naked under those robes too which is a big thumbs-up in my book.
Now, I’m not saying I’d leave my girlfriend for the first lady of justice but every couple in a healthy relationship should have Celebrity Freebies, those famous people with whom it would be permitted to mess around with suffering no repercussions. I know that my girlfriend wouldn’t think twice about jumping on Jude Law, Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt, Sebastian Bach, or Marilyn Manson. Similarly, I’m permitted Jodie Foster, Ellen DeGeneres, Jeri Ryan, Xenia Seeburg, and, of course, Judge Judith Sheindlin.
If you’ve never witnessed (that’s a courtroom pun there; I hope you enjoyed it) the joy that is a typical Judge Judy episode then it goes a little something like this:
- Voiceover man announces the upcoming case in a husky voice ("Tammy Sue Bobbykins is suing her sister Billie Jim and her sister’s husband Herman for damage caused to a kitchen table at a family party that got out of control. Billie Jim is countersuing her sister for failing to regulate the amount of alcohol available and directly causing Billie Jim to strain her back when she tried to throw the kitchen table into the pool")
- Bailiff Byrd tells everyone to stand and reads out the case title and number.
- Judge Judy swishes into the room, her black gown billowing out behind and flowing tightly over her womanhood in front.
- Judy makes her opening statement giving a general overview of the suit or suits involved, sighs, pictures the downward spiral on which humanity is sliding, and then asks the first person to state her case.
- Tammy Sue explains what happened. Billie Jim then states her version of the facts. Tammy Sue comments that "that never happened" and receives the initial stern stare from the judge. Tammy Sue remains quiet for all of ten seconds when she interrupts again.
- Judge Judy tells Tammy Sue that she’s had her turn and must keep quiet but receives backchat for a further thirty seconds until threatened with having her case thrown out.
- Billie Jim continues to make her points and then turns to her sister to rebuke her for shaking her head vehemently within her peripheral vision.
- Judy now has a go at Billie Jim, pointing out that all talk must be directed at her and her alone. Judy rolls 2d6 beneath the view of the cameras and with an 8 or higher also threatens to have Byrd step in and deal with the women.
- Judy summarises what she’s heard and then questions Tammy Sue over the $12000 damages sought for what was, after all, a plastic table. Tammy Sue remembers that the word she’s looking for is "punitive" because Law & Order was on in the hotel room last night and so uses it.
- Judy awards $30 to Tammy Sue and nothing to Billie Jim who tries to have Herman called up as a witness but it’s too late … Judge Judy has spoken!
- Outside the courtroom each sister accuses the other of trying to murder them in their sleep. Byrd looks on hoping that they’ll fly at each other and rip their clothes off. But they never do.
In order to better your chances with a celebrity should you ever meet them and they’re on your freebie list it’s important to perform some background checks. Trust me: there’s nothing I don’t know about Xenia, Jeri, Ellen, or Jodie and you can feel free to ask me anything in those regards. Because the most honourable one is a new addition to my list (just edging out Joan Rivers) I haven’t completed my detailed dossier on her yet but I’m prepared to share some of what I know so far:
Judy Used To Be A Lapdancer
You don’t just become a judge overnight unless you’ve got good connections and Judy, thanks to a childhood brought up in the desert around Phoenix, Arizona making rattlesnake stew and selling it to tourists, didn’t have good connections. She had to work hard to stay in law school and the only place she could work that made her enough money quickly (without breaking the law) was in a stripclub.
For four years she was known as "Just Ice", a clever name that was sadly lost on the drunken businessmen, ill-educated hillfolk, and violently sick tourists seeking solace from the hallucinations and stomach cramps caused by poorly-prepared rattlesnake stew. Her attention to detail in every aspect of her work wasn’t overlooked, however, and she was a popular choice for private dances. She actually earned enough to see her through college in the first nine months of dancing but loved the life so much that she stayed on and built up a sizeable nest-egg.
Judy still keeps in shape to this day and has a pole in her bedroom.
Judy Saved The Lives Of The Apollo 13 Crew
Ever since NASA was first formed it has been customary for there to be an appointed judge to consider matters of law on hand at all times. During the late sixties and early seventies Judy was one of a number of judges who filled that role.
Judy had first become interested in the position of Astrojudge when a close friend and mentor of hers had explained how rewarding it had been to shoot down a young Dick Cheney’s plan in 1957 to detonate a nuclear warhead near Sputnik 2, thereby radiating the dog pilot, Laika, causing it to grow to an immense size upon return to Earth and terrorise the Soviet Union allowing for a liberation of the people within while distracted. It had been argued, successfully, that the giant dog would also have been a threat to American troops and might eventually have forced itself upon Lassie.
In 1970, when the Apollo 13 accident occurred, Judy was on call and found herself shocked to hear a slighty less young Dick Cheney proposing that a rescue attempt would be expensive, likely to fail, and that the incident could be used to national advantage by blaming it all on communists. Astrojudge Judy suffered blame-flinging as much then as she does now – not one bit – and Cheney considered himself lucky to escape with a fine of $150. Back then that was a lot of money.
Judy Invented ‘Big Brother’
Judy has long been an advocate of people accepting responsibility for their own actions and in the late 1970s came up with the concept of a television programme featuring normal people stuck together facing normal situations and not being allowed to seek help from outside. Her idea was that other people would be able to see that you don’t need to sue everyone, that you should take care of your own mess, and that you shouldn’t run away from any wrongdoings that are your fault. All to a disco beat on permanent loop. From this, a process of teaching a nation to be a little more courteous and respect one another would take place. And the art of boogying would never die.
However, Starsky & Hutch was very popular at the time and the programme was not given a look-in. Years later it was changed just enough to not infringe by adding in a special room where blame could be attributed and unreal situations designed to cause stress were included without any soothing disco music to offset anger.
Judy Has Her Own Celebrity Freebies