Surviving Jude Law

It’s only a matter of time people – months if we’re lucky, days if the Gods of Fate and Cheekbones have any say in the matter – before Jude Law attacks us all. I’m ready. I rate my chances as better than one in three of living in a post-Jude Law apocalypse as a leader among the mutants, revered for my fine head of hair, adored because of my almost fully-functional genitalia, and tolerated despite my annoying cough that won’t shift. But what about you? Are you doomed to die in the initial onslaught? Could you do more to prepare?

Jude Law Attack Tactics

Jude LawCombat may be inevitable and victory dangerously far out of reach but history tells us that battles have been won and lost in an instant and I’ve come to trust what history says especially since it helped me find my car keys that one time. Knowledge of what Jude is likely to do when attacking – and he will attack – might just give you a metaphysical crowbar with which to lever open the metaphorical doorway leading into the allegorical corridor just off the very real instant that swings the fight. It’s not much, and a real crowbar might be better, but it’ll have to do.

Jude Law won’t spend much time taking in the situation as he prefers a blitzkrieg style attack so you have to be ready to defend the moment you see him. This assumes you’ll see him. Detailed analysis of his fights to date shows that he is as equally like to come at an opponent from behind as straight on and the margin of preference for tunnelling under and eating the feet of an enemy rather than dropping from a ledge with hooks in his hands is statistically negligible.

If you are "fortunate" enough to witness a head-on approach by Mr Law then you can typically expect him to adopt the classic crab position; feet and palms on the floor, body raised to the heavens, head upside down. While this might slow you or I down Jude can move with lightning speed in this position and many experts suspect there is a psychological element to this choice of body shape, carrying with it a genetic memory of giant spiders attacking early neanderthals perhaps. This theory does seem borne out by witnesses to his preference when launching a rear assault on a victim when he is decidedly more likely to flail his arms in windmills and scream like a girl.

The Jude Law Crab Attack gives him a number of advantages in a quick fight. He’s a smaller target, naturally, and the body shape hides all manner of possible weapons and manouevres from your eyes. More worryingly, especially if he is bare-footed, will be his ability to briefly scale walls and even ceilings. Jude has a natural sticky residue that is secreted by the pores of his skin. Not only does this enable vertical and inverted attacks – something most fighters won’t naturally prepare for – but it also aids during submission holds, should a battle go that far.

Jude’s main weapon is his strength. Anecdotal evidence claims that Law is easily capable of knocking over a small family hatchback after a scuttling run-up of only ten or so metres. Physical evidence does support this to an extent and shows that he has immense crushing power in his feet and arms – numerous cases of broken ribs, femurs, and sometimes lemurs attest to this – so avoiding a scuttle charge is definitely and obviously advised.

The "acid spray" of Jude Law has gained significant notoriety in the tabloids in recent months but does not appear to be natural in origin and there is some suggestion that it may in fact be Joop eau de toilette. As everyone knows more than the merest drop of Joop makes eyes water within a radius of several metres for up to twelve hours after application; a fine jet ejected from a dispenser on Jude’s waistband could have the same effect as spraying hydrochloric acid. If you have a laboratory coat and goggles then you might consider keeping them handy at all times, or even wearing them constantly as I do.

Talking To Jude Law

Many of you cowards won’t want to face Jude Law in the ultimate test of man versus man who attacks like a crustacean and will want to "negotiate" or "diplomaticificate" or some other hippy word. Fine.

Jude Law, when not emitting blood-curdling yells and dancing on the bloodied corpses of those he defeats in glorious combat, has been known to appreciate fine wines, woollen pullovers, and rabbits.

Suggestions for "conversation" with the Mr Law they all call Jude are included below but should be attempted at your own risk. Please be aware that if you make it into the apocalyptic world of the future and it becomes known that you talked your way to survival you will most likely be ostracised from mutant society. A world where not even mutants will talk to you? Now that’s sad.

Wines
Bad

Jude: I am going to eat your face!
You: I have a nice Chianti here Mr Law sir!
Jude: I am going to eat your face with a nice Chianti!

Good

Jude: I am going to eat your face!
You: I was hoping we could discuss this over a cheeky Primitivo I’ve just picked up.
Jude: I’ll bring Pringles.

Woollen Pullovers
Bad

Jude: Behold my mighty power as I squeeze the life out of you!
You: I’ll give you my nice Aran wool pullover if you let me live!
Jude: Pullover bribery sends Jude into rage! Jude kill you now! Jude mop up blood with pullover!

Good

Jude: Behold my mighty power as I squeeze the life out of you!
You: Do your chiselled good looks ever snag on your woollen pullovers?
Jude: They do. They really do. It’s heartbreaking. Do you have any suggestions that would alleviate this problem?

Rabbits
Bad

Jude: Your last vision on Earth will be of my ferocious fingers of fury popping your eyes!
You: Spare me and tell me of your love of rabbits!
Jude: Your last thought on Earth will be knowing that I will feed your carcass to Mr Snugglewubby on a bed of lettuce!

Good

Jude: Your last vision on Earth will be of my ferocious fingers of fury popping your eyes!
You: I don’t suppose you want to talk about Watership Down instead?
Jude: Oh God! Why did you have to take Hazel from us? Why? Oh, I’m filling up here. I’m not in the mood for carnage anymore. I need a hug.

Post-Jude Law Apocalypse Survival

Formation BoxingWhether you fight like a true warrior and earn the respect of nature for daring to be one of the fittest or you talk your way out of trouble down the yellow brick road called Custard-Spine Lane into the desolation of the future after Jude Law wreaks his terrible mayhem, assuming you survive that far then how are you going to survive any further?

Tinned plum tomatoes are a good starting point. Total number of people on the planet without some form of degenerative mental illness who actually like tinned plum tomatoes has been estimated by the World Health Organisation to be approximately none. Now, their method of determining this figure – giving me a call at home while I was in the middle of washing-up – has been called into question by various authoritative bodies across the globe but headless horse incidents have been on the rise recently and I don’t think we’ll be hearing any more complaints any time soon.

I am not suggesting for one instant that you think of acquiring a taste for the canned foodstuff. Death first! However, the cans make good missiles and, should they break apart on impact, the juice will surely put off all but the most deranged of mutant biker gangs prowling the area looking for a little bit of forced companionship under the bleak skies.

When you consider the problem of nobody producing ammunition for conventional weapons in the world of tomorrow then tinned plum tomatoes makes sense in a way that, say, sachets of noodles doesn’t.

But what of Jude Law himself? Will he be content to let the dregs of humanity roam the rubble-strewn landscape dressed in leather and chains and reviving punk fashions while he relaxes in a bath in his golden palace? It’s difficult to tell for certain, of course, but if I know Jude Law half as well as I think I do (and I think I do) then I would have to say "Perhaps". It’s a glimmer of optimism spied via a reflection in a dirty pond of despair deep in a cave of despondency and there are many obstacles between us and the source of that glimmer. Plus there’s always the chance of a cave-in, especially with my cough at the moment. I’ll try to remember to pack some soothing linctus for the post-armageddon party but I’m warning you now: I don’t like the taste.

This has been a primer to surviving Jude Law. Ultimately, many of us simply won’t but at least you can’t say I haven’t tried to help. For those of you interested in advanced Jude Law survival techniques (including The Haley Joel Osment Distraction Tactic) I’m thinking of holding an open session at the local Co-Op social club at the end of next month. We must all pray that Jude doesn’t come out of hibernation before then and that the Weight Watchers group who have booked the club before us don’t overrun their meeting.

Author: Mark

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9 Comments

  1. Which enemy? Dou you think, I’m against… um… "Seinfeld" and Spielberg? No way, man! And I also have some of the older Woody Allen flicks on video cassette.

    But I hate this fugly wannabe-supermodel Paris Hilton. And the joke above was the cheapest I could find in this short time.

    By the way:

    How can anyone name his/her child after an ethnic group? (Or country?)

    Men and Woman named Jude Law, Indian Red, German Shepperd and so on surely have a hard life full of anger, STDs, and leading parts in shit-munching movie-crapfests like "Artificial Intelligence".

    (Spielberg again, but that’s another story. "Jaws" and "Jurassic Park" are the bomb(s?). But "A.I.", this lame, rotten dog ass of a movie had stolen nearly three hours of my lifetime.)

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  2. A.I. did have one saving grace: Ministry performing ‘What About Us?’ during the android destruction derby was pretty much the only reason I watched it.

    As far as the "enemy" comments – those were directed to Southern Bird (SB); I think a little confusion crept in.

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  3. Truly, the only way to defeat Jude Law is to break him by looking your best.

    You see, Jude has a penchant for stylish British suits. Okay, even I admit that his armour is noteworthy.

    So what is a Jude Law freedom fighter to do? – Well, methinks the brightest answer is to one-up Mr. Law with some haberdashery of your own. In terms of British labels, avoid them all like the plague, except, of course, any gorgegous 2-button single-breasted knock-out by Paul Smith. Especially his "London" line of suiting. Otherwise, stick with the Italians or the French; might I suggest either a Canali or a Yves Saint Laurent Style. The Canali sharpens the British lines and drape where the Limey’s fail monstrously whereas YSL . . . well, hell, YSL makes you as well dapped as Al Pacino was in Godfather.

    As soon as Mr. Law partakes of this image before him he will fall from grace in his ruthless, homocidal disposition and then curry favour with you, filling you with complements as to your sense of fine tailoring and appreciation for the finest threads.

    Then he will simply relent and his rampage ended forever.

    Anyway, that is my suggestion. Because, you know, WE MUST find a way to protect ourselves from this curmudgeonly forward and astute genocidal maniac.

    – Aenigmate

    (sorry to all everyday typical stupid Americans who are at a loss when large words are used. But, hey, this is not about vile American slothness or which country is better than another, it is about ALL OF US working together to save ourselves, the human race, from the Jude Law apocolypse)

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  4. Brilliant. Given his remarks defending JL at the Oscars, one wonders how to hide from an overly protective Sean Penn.

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  5. The suits approach to combat is noteworthy. I was considering a George suit from Asda/Walmart; the cheapness might send him into apoplexy and cause a stroke.

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  6. *whispers something about liking a good shafting up hard against the wall and runs out sharpish*

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  7. Jude made passionate love to me one night, but was a tad bit hasty in the foreplay area, thus giving me a lukewarm, no, cold mountin’ so to speak. eh hem.

    i still likeded it.

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