Invention Showcase #489

Time for another round of inventions. Are you sitting comfortably in your "Invention-Trauma-Proof Vibrachair™" (Invention Showcase #221)? Then I’ll begin …

Our best-selling model among men without girlfriendsThe "No More Ear Pain Easy Sleeping Helmet"

If you’re human – and studies show that one third of you may be – then you know that some mornings you wake up fine and some mornings you wake up screaming. And what’s the biggest cause of Ante Meridiem Screaming Heebies today? That’s right: it’s crushing one ear under your head during the night only to have all the blood rush back into it upon waking.

neOnbubble Industries has the answer! The "No More Ear Pain Easy Sleeping Helmet" is not only functional but also fun too! You could say it puts the ‘fun’ in ‘functional.’ But I wouldn’t.

So how does it work?

To protect your ear from crushing it’s important to make sure it never gets into position to be crushed in the first place. Competitors’ products use complicated harnesses and motion detecting air raid sirens which are proven to work but include side-effects such as burning to death in housefires and turning neighbours homicidal. The "No More Ear Pain Easy Sleeping Helmet" works … problem free!

When you go to bed simply place your helmet over your head. Your neck is supported and neither your head nor your all-important ear ever touch the pillow! Result? No more ear pain!

But wait! There’s more!

A variety of fun, switchable helmet designs make for an interesting waking experience for your partner. Why not take a look at our more popular designs:

  • deep sea diver – perfect for couples with aquatic sexual fetishes,
  • astronaut – who wouldn’t want to wake up next to Neil Armstrong?,
  • corpse mask – give your partner the fright of his/her life or see how they’d react to your death with this convincing cadaverous paint job,
  • ex-partner – if you’re concerned that your partner may be seeing his/her ex then this clever design provides the perfect temptation to test your paranoia out on,
  • mirror ball – confuse your partner and see if you can get them to smack their nose into your helmet when they wake up (double entendres to be used at own risk),
  • horse head – mafia-related humour first thing in the morning is the best humour there is.

False diagnoses are around 8%"Health Alert Ultraviolet Nanobots"

Nanobots have been with us since 1954 but up until now they’ve only been used by the government to track your bowel movements. Now, for the first time, neOnbubble Industries has produced a commercial option for the tiny critters.

The idea of nanobots scouring the body hunting down and killing infections is not a new one but the problem has always been that you need to know about the infection in the first place and it’s only with recent advances in medical necromancy that we’ve been able to do this without using the four-pronged anal probe. Even the idea of sending nanobots into a person’s cavities to search for signs of infection isn’t a new one but the trouble with reading what the nanobots have noted down has plagued scientists and their groupies for decades.

The "Health Alert Ultraviolet Nanobots" are the first nanobots programmed to swim through the various tracts, veins, and tunnels left by tapeworms inside each and every one of us and then make their way to the forehead region to spell out their diagnosis using their tiny metal bodies. For added privacy the nanobots are coated with ultraviolet paint so that they appear invisible under normal conditions. Just hold the "Health Alert Ultraviolet Nanobots Speller-Outer Reading Light" (sold separately) up to your face to find out how long you have to live.

A few words of caution:

  • please refrain from scratching your forehead after a dose of "Health Alert Ultraviolet Nanobots" to avoid unfortunate spelling-error diagnoses,
  • please refrain from going to nightclubs for a week after a dose of "Health Alert Ultraviolet Nanobots" unless you want everyone to know about your herpes.

Is there anything more manly than a manly man with a long extendable object in his hand? I think notThe "Remote Control Speed Extension"

What’s the manliest thing in your house right now? You’ve probably thought, rightly, "Why, that would be the remote control mountain!"

If you’re a man then chances are better than good that you’ve often wondered just how you can make your remote controls even more manly. What are your traditional options?

  • replace it with a bigger model,
  • paint nudie pictures on it,
  • pretend it’s a spaceship.

But neOnbubble Industries is the first company to address the age-old problem of speed.

What’s that you say? You can’t make infra red signals faster? Because they’re already travelling at the speed of light?

Well, you’re right … almost. Because, although the infra red signals are, indeed, travelling at the mystical c they still have to cross the distance between your chair and the television. This could be anything up to a furlong depending on whether or not you measure everything using the "Nostalgic Imperial Measurements Measuring Laser™" (Invention Showcase #90). Quite simply, if you want to increase the speed you have to reduce the distance and that’s where the "Remote Control Speed Extension" comes into its own.

Our universal covering attaches to the end of your remote control and stretches until it connects to the television’s remote sensor. Now when you press your buttons you’ll be a happier viewer knowing that your decisions on whether to watch one hundredth of a second of every channel or pause occasionally to give the photons of light a fighting chance of landing on your eyeballs are decisions that are taking place instantly!!

Author: Mark

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