Today we’re lucky to have all-girl group action at neOnbubble in the form of all-girl group The Sugababes. They’ve undergone a few changes in line-up over the past few years but have kept a strong fanbase in the United Kingdom, Kazakhstan, and elsewhere.
Girls, ladies, babes; first question:
What do you think happened in the first few instants after the Big Bang?
KEISHA: I’m pretty sure Mutya and Siobhan were in the band at that time, probably mostly in some exotic quark form. Amelle and Heidi would not form for some time until the initial expansion had slowed and larger building blocks of subatomic matter started to coalesce.
HEIDI: I’ve never been a fan of the Big Bang theory; after all, what is a theory? It’s something you just can’t prove isn’t it? I also don’t like the accepted standpoint that the universe is even expanding like some balloon. My belief is that we’re in a giant Dyson Sphere created by Egyptians that protects us from the void beyond the universe – the limits of which are only just beyond Pluto – and stops us going mad by projecting a starry, galactic nightscape on its inner shell. The red shift is explained by the failing projection system and it also explains why we’ve never been contacted by aliens: the universe is too small!
AMELLE: Hello. I believe in aliens.
Are you concerned about climate change and the fact that carbon emissions keep rising in Britain year-on-year?
KEISHA: We’ve always been concerned about ecological issues ever since Siobhan’s personal carbon emissions began to affect recording sessions. That’s a joke. It was more a methane-sodium soup cloud.
HEIDI: You state that emissions are rising as a fact but, really, what is a fact? It’s faith in something because of evidence, isn’t it? Well, evidence can be planted or simply misinterpreted. How do we know that carbon emissions aren’t actually falling but having a knock-on effect on trees which are producing more less oxygen to compensate, affecting the balance of nitrogen in the atmosphere and destabilising the gyros in the carbon detectors? Think about it.
AMELLE: The aliens could secrete CFCs through their retinal membranes. We should concentrate on uploading viruses to their motherships.
Norway and Japan just love to hunt whales. What’s wrong with them?
KEISHA: Siobhan left the group during our Japanese tour and I always wondered whether her decision to leave was more because of the barbarity of our hosts’ country’s slaughter-loving lifestyle and less my constant taunts about her ginger hair. I hope it was the former; I can finally get some closure and stop seeing my therapist.
HEIDI: Who are you referring to when you say "them"? The Norwegians and Japanese or the whales? I’ve never met any Norwegians or Japanese people so I couldn’t really comment on them but whales are not as intelligent as everyone makes out. Why would you live in an environment that you can’t breathe in? Maybe they’re intelligent but insane. You could argue that hunting them is the kindest thing. It’s how I’d like to go if I ever go crazy.
AMELLE: Do you know the Klingon proverb "Revenge is a dish that is best served cold"? It is very cold … in Norway. And space. Where there are aliens. Coincidence?
The NHS is failing because of Labour mismanagement despite massive funding, and proposed job losses for thousands of nurses this year could lead to industrial action. What would you do if you were in charge of the NHS?
KEISHA: People heal better when they’re happy and there are always a lot of happy people at our gigs so I’d invest in getting bands to perform on wards. Although there would be an initial outlay this would be recouped through t-shirt sales and the faster throughput of sick people would turn around the fortunes of the health service.
HEIDI: But is it really failing? A sign of a prosperous country is one that doesn’t need a nationally-funded health service because everyone can afford to pay whatever the pharmaceutical companies and health professionals decide they want to charge. People need a helping hand to push them towards private care and better social status and isn’t that what Labour are really doing? By laying off staff and increasing waiting times for everyone this government is urging those who can pay to give up their right to free care and go private which will eventually help those who really can’t pay and who manage to survive the transition decade without losing a limb or organ to a healthy utopia.
AMELLE: Stop treating aliens. They have their own doctors and it takes up valuable resources when our trained professionals bring in consultants to work out which of the green, veiny, pulsating things are otherworldly equivalents of the tertiary spleen.
Blu-Ray or DVD-HD?
KEISHA: Blu-Ray is easier to say than dividhid so it will be more popular among younger people who are getting stupider and stupider. Mutya, why did you leave? However, young people have no money so Sony will be the cause of an increase in crime to fund the new discs and I think they should rename it to something less popular like Betamax Next Generation.
HEIDI: We should boycott both formats as they are identical and the whole high definition war is a marketing ploy to make us buy two players and two copies of every movie. Hollywood controls all.
AMELLE: I saw a UFO once shoot a blue ray at a cow and burn it. That sort of trauma would turn me towards DVD-HD if that hadn’t been the registration plate of the truck that almost knocked me off my Segway this morning. I’ll wait for holocubes.
Finally, if it was up to you who would pick as the next manager of England’s football team?
KEISHA: England is a diverse nation with people from many ethnic backgrounds and ancestries just like The Sugababes. Heidi is a scouser, did you know? That’s why I don’t agree with the racism stirred up by the press about ensuring the manager must be English. Isn’t discrimination illegal? I’d pick Saddam Hussein. He’s foreign, out of a job, a natural leader, and the treatment he’d receive from the journalists of The Sun after the first game would be more than enough punishment for any crimes he’s committed.
HEIDI: Do we even need a manager? What is the manager’s role these days? To do what the media says he should, to accept the blame fully for whatever happens, and to occasionally be the source of some unsubstantiated rumour or the target of elaborate entrapment in order to sell papers? Anyone could do that. Even Amelle, and she’s got a weird fixation with aliens if you haven’t noticed.
AMELLE: Martian O’Neill. No, Martin.