Intelligent Design Explained Intelligently
You must have heard of Intelligent Design, right? No? Okay, let me explain briefly just what it is: Intelligent Design (I.D.) is a (snigger) "theory" put forward by some (snort) "scientists" to (choking! send help!) explain the universe without resorting to:
- anything they learnt on their degree course,
- asking another scientist for help,
- asking a two year-old for help.
In a nutshell (one designed exclusively for the Earth Range by Almighty God and not some cheap, evolved knock-off) I.D. proponents argue that sure there’s a lot of evidence to support evolution and yes scientific models of the universe’s creation do seem to bear out pretty well in experiments and okay natural selection does appear to explain the many varied and wondrous shapes that nature has produced over the countless millions and billions of years but maybe that’s what we’re supposed to think, huh, huh? I.D. supporters point out that life is really, really complex and can cause headaches if thought about too hard so doesn’t Occam’s Razor indicate that it’s much more likely that an omnipotent and omniscient divinity thought "Wait! What about a little horse that swims underwater?"
Intelligent Design is an offshoot of ‘Paranoid Science’, a branch of reasoning the major tenet of which is "But what if God is simply testing our faith?" Other examples of Paranoid Science’s exhortations into the public sphere over the years have included:
- God put dinosaur bones on the planet because there’s only room in Heaven for people who ignore the evidence of the eyes that God gave them, duh!,
- appendicitis is proof of God’s displeasure since evolution should have evolved that dangly bit away aeons ago dumbass!,
- you don’t believe in angels but dark matter is fine, yeah sure, whatever!,
- banjo music is proof of a higher power, there is no scientific explanation for it, none!
Fans of Paranoid Science (P.S. International Community of Friends) and I.D. (Worldwide IDiots) fear God. Opponents of the two theologically-derived, scientific-sounding claptrap theories fear God-botherers. If God-botherers contented themselves with bothering God everybody would be fine but since God has failed to react to their botherations over the years – further proof that He exists since He would never reveal He’d been listening so explain that away Mister Professor Bees Evolved From Snakes Ph.D! – they’ve moved onto a target that actually does get distracted by the lunacy: everyone else.
The IDiots want I.D. taught in schools and they’ve got a prominent supporter in the guise of George W. "The ‘W’ Stands For ‘Woo! Yay! The Missing Link!’" Bush who endorsed teaching the subject on Monday. To be fair, regular scientists would also have no objection to Intelligent Design being taught in schools either. However, the former group want it taught as part of the science curriculum whereas the latter luminaries prefer it was interjected into a non-vocational course entitled "Successful Stand-Up Comedy".
Intelligent Design is backed by Christian groups. Their goal is to eventually relate every subject to religion in some way so as to make it impossible to think about anything other than God.
Jesus didn’t play football, baseball, basketball, or tennis and neither will you! James and John did enjoy oily wrestling so that’s okay though.
Jesus didn’t play football, baseball, basketball, or tennis but he did enjoy his carpentry. If that’s not God’s way of saying "Chop down all the trees and build things that will be destroyed by tornadoes" then what is?
Sex education simply does not work. People are giving birth to non-Christians all over the place or, in some cases, taking preventative action to stop potential Christians from being born at all! That’s very nearly almost close to being in the proximity of a strong set of binoculars through which can be seen a large printed sign on a distant moon alluding to an imaginary similarity between contraception and bludgeoning babies on the fontanelle with an ice pick. And there’s no proof that babies come from sex anyway; it could all be a designed coincidence. Procreation through donating ribs – and only donating ribs – will soon be the sole "theory" of reproduction taught.
The binary system at the heart of any computer and the hexadecimal system somewhere in the lungs or spinal column are to be phased out. Digital devices will need to be switched over to an analogue system so as to properly implement the new U.S. Government-backed Cubit-Based processors. Base 2 and Base 16 will give way to Base 17 And A Bit Up To Around 22 Ish. Corruption of documents and sudden loss of files on the new operating systems prone to wild innacuracy is expected to be high. So no change there. Photorealistic rendering in games should be far superior; players of Half Eternity will really believe that they, as St Gordon Freeman, are battering the serpents in the Garden of Eden with their anti-gravity croziers. Spreadsheets will contain wild and fluctuating figures. Part of the costs of converting current machines to the new format will be met by Kenneth Lay from his personal fortune.