"Your Lordship! You startled me, sliding in silently like that!"
"A stealthy insertion was just one of the many skills I picked up on manoeuvres with the infantry in the Punjab."
"Indeed. Your ability to get behind your man and stick it to him is legendary and the stuff of many a gossiping fishwife in the market. Now, is there anything I can do for you?"
"I think I’d like to get hold of your column. No, by Wellington’s wang!, I know I’d like to get hold of your column!"
"His Lordship honours me! May I enquire as to the nature of your intentions with it?"
"Most certainly dear chap. How does splashing it across my front sound to you?"
"Splendid! I look forward to receiving it. Take your time with it and when you’re ready simply get in contact with my man-servant."
"I shall poke your man-servant most pointedly at the precise moment of my completion in order that you may receive my column in as timely a manner as possible."
"Good heavens sir! What in the name of Victoria’s secret garden are you pulling out from there!"
"This is where I keep my most beloved tool, your Lordship! See!"
"What a beast! So long and smooth! You must show it off to everyone you meet, I’ll wager."
"I do indeed. Sometimes I will promenade with it in hand in order that as many people as possible may feast their eyes on its glory. I will often be approached by young ladies and gentlemen, perhaps with their children in tow, who will then ask to touch it. I always oblige, of course."
"Naturally. It would almost be a crime to keep such a wonder hidden. And what, pray tell, are you doing with it right now?"
"Stand back your Lordship. I’m giving it a shake to make sure no fluid leaks or splats when I start to wield it."
"You are most diligent and a fine fellow to deal with. Ah, I see what you’re doing with it! It’s all quite obvious when you think about it."
"Yes. Lord Likely … Post. Right, duly noted. I’ll put the pen away now and you can expect my column inches in due course."
"Wonderful! Do you fancy a celebratory man-shag?"
"Oh, go on then."
The guest article I wrote that Lord Likely and I were discussing can be read here: