It’s St Valentine’s Day and some endorphin-laden, LSD-based, synthetic compound manufactured in labs across the world by card manufacturers that masquerades under the nom de guerre of "Love" is in the air. People, normally sensible and strait-laced, find themselves prone to acts of awful gushiness and the colour pink assaults every sense. Especially smell for some reason, or that might just be me.
Even I – usually a bastion jutting into the sea of emotion armed with cannons firing cold-hearted ice balls in wide arcs, uncaring of where they might land or the damage they might inflict – am not immune to the insidious infection of this pervasive day and I find myself conjuring up images of meadows and running through them in slow motion, skipping merrily and not thinking about the spiders that are probably being ripped from their webs between the grass and are now clinging to my leg waiting for a pause in my galavanting so as to crawl into my groinal area and bite me in my special place. And who am I running towards? What beauty has captivated my imagination and the imaginary heart that my imagination has imagined in the imagery I’m imagining? Is she curvacious? Does she exude warmth? Is she witty and intelligent, with modern views and at least one human attribute?
Hey! Well, what do you know? St Valentine’s got a sense of humour/streak of the nasty (delete as applicable). It’s Ann Coulter.
FACT: Ann Coulter was the inspiration for Mark Twain’s novel A Connecticut Yankee In King Arthur’s Court. Upon meeting her in 1888, Twain beat himself around the head with a crowbar in an attempt to escape through time.
FACT: Ann Coulter saves lives! Modern campers take Ann Coulter with them for emergencies. Her legs, when rubbed together, can start fires. Even on damp wood. Especially on damp wood.
FACT: The Ann Coulter Award for American Advancement is given out every year for the most innovative use of the word "raghead" in the media. In what’s sure to be a hotly-fought contest this June, Ann herself is, nevertheless, the bookie’s favourite to take home the prize for the fifth year running.
FACT: Ann Coulter enjoys skiing because she is at home in below freezing temperatures. Ski resorts enjoy Ann’s patronage too as her sharp tip and circular ring make her a perfect temporary replacement for broken poles.
FACT: In her yearbook Ann was voted "Most likely to be mistaken for a wishbone."
FACT: Ann Coulter has been described as "reckless with facts" because she often speaks without knowing what she’s talking about but this is just another example of misleading, liberal lying as she’s yet to actually cite one.
FACT: Dimwitted, thick, sub-moronic Ann is on record in 2004 as saying that women are not as bright as men and has steadfastly tried to prove that ever since (with great success) through her syndicated columns and TV appearances.
FACT: Although she shares many of the physical attributes of the late Karen Carpenter, Ann Coulter has a dreadful singing voice and should never be invited to a karaoke bar unless it is your intention to deliberately beach narwhals for scientific research.
FACT: Ann Coulter is extremely dense. This means that Ann does not float. On the plus side this makes flushing her away quite easy.
FACT: As someone who has studied law at Michigan, practised law in New York, and been a litigator for a law firm in Washington that specialised in cases of freedom of speech, civil rights, and freedom of religion, Ann is, unsurprisingly, a huge fan of NBC’s Law & Order. Her favourite character is Jack McCoy because of his hard-hitting, no-nonsense approach to not being a woman.
FACT: Ann Coulter is extraordinarily fit, a result of years running around under shower heads trying to get wet.
FACT: Ann is not as frigid as she appears and openly welcomes romantic approaches from – and liaisons with – rich, white, attractive, conservative men with huge penises. Ann is a virgin.
I’m sure there are more facts about Ann Coulter out there but I’m just too smitten to find them on this most loving of days.