I Have A Story

I have a story to tell you.

It is an important story, the likes of which could very well blow apart your tiny, fragile mind!

Unless you’re protected by the amazing new Bubble Mind Explosion Protection Cap from neOnbubble Industries. Lined with kevlar, ribbed for your cranial pleasure, and implanted with patented tunneling microscopic pressure light beam wave generator thingummajigs that work to actively prevent harmful inner head explosions using tried and tested scientific techniques, the Bubble Mind Explosion Protection Cap not only gives you the best anti-explosive head-based event management in the world today, it also looks good! A choice of colours and sizes and peace of mind in every sense! What are you waiting for!? Order today!

StoryNow, this story came to me by a very circuitous route. Passed by word-of-mouth from fathers to sons and sometimes back to fathers because you know what their memories are like, recounted in villages and towns, in valleys and on mountain peaks, on land, sea, and in the air too.

And when I’m sending a story on such a long voyage I like to know that it will get there safely. That’s why I insist on Bubble Express, the delivery service you can count on from neOnbubble Industries. Guaranteed next day delivery in every country in the world, cheaper freight costs than all of our competitors, and the industry’s lowest figure of employees rifling through your parcels and stealing all the good stuff or fornicating in it before resealing it and sending it on. Don’t just track your package online; watch it! Bubble Express attaches a webcam to every item you send so that you can see the interiors of planes, warehouses, and vans as if you were sending yourself! Posting is so last year; Bubble Expressing is the future!

When a story takes a long trip with many stops along the way it’s highly likely that it will change along the route, evolve, become entangled with the threads of the personality of the storyteller. It is inevitable. Isn’t it?

No! Bubble Wrap Story Insurance from neOnbubble Industries protects prose purity AND insures it against corruption. Why would they insure it too? Because they’ve never paid out! They don’t have to! Bubble Wrap protection encases your story in a retelling Hawking Radiation-proof event horizon packed in a verbal vacuum. No new elements can be added. Nothing from the story can escape. You’re insured against hyperbole and meiosis, spoonerisms and malapropisms, and unexpected Cthulhu-entity influences at no extra cost! If you absolutely, positively need your story to arrive intact then please don’t forget the Bubble Wrap.

But back to the story … I’ve forgotten it.

Someone must have slipped Bubble Format Instant Story Wipe Drops into my tea! Bubble Format Instant Story Wipe Drops from neOnbubble Industries are odourless, tasteless, and dissolve instantly. A bit like iocaine powder, only not as deadly. Except to your recall! Target specific stories or all the ones available and they’re as good as gone … in an instant! Do you remember that tale about Hercules fighting the Giant Slug of Birmingham with his Spork Of Salty Spite? Not any more! Bubble Format Instant Story Wipe Drops are perfect for when you screw up a long joke, your anecdote falls flat, or as a means to end an article abruptly. Use responsibly.

Author: Mark

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  1. Is the person in the picture reading to the kids from a naughty magazine?? I see Pent-something-something-US-something and an American flag. Boobies are prominently displayed.

    The children look very enthused.

    A mind is a terrible thing to waste.

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  2. Pent**us* is not a naughty magazine and it’s clearly me in the picture holding it up. I was pointing to some of the illustrations next to the letter I’d sent in which started:

    "Dear Pent**us*, you won’t believe what happened to me last weekend when twin Swedish sisters and a goat moved into the house next door."

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  3. Actually I do remember the tale about Hercules fighting the Giant Slug of Birmingham with his Spork Of Salty Spite. So many bad memories. Please send Bubble Format Instant Story Wipe Drops immediately.

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  4. They’re on their way. That’ll be 99 English Pounds and 99 English Pennies, cash on delivery thanks. No accidental forgetting, ya hear?

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  5. Whilst I applaud your innovative neOnbubble Industries products (and would very much like a catalogue please) I doubt that even Bubble Wrap protection can withstand the monstrous bubbling chaos that is Azathoth (and I type that name with trepidation, for my lips dare not speak it aloud) – I am convinced a single blaspheme uttered from just one of the accursed one’s snarling mouths, shrieking through the black cosmos to the thin, monotonous piping of an unseen flute and the maddening beating of vile drums, would render the enclosed story untellable.

    I had such a story to tell once, but that was when I was known under another name, living peacefully in a small shadowy town called Innsmouth. The events that befell me drove me to the brink of madness. Years later I still awake in the dark, convinced I can hear the slithering scurrying of rats scratching in the walls, beckoning me down to horrors greater than I have ever known. Would Bubble Format Instant Story Wipe Drops help me to forget?

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  6. Where’s the ‘shopped GWBush reading a story to the kiddies on 9/11?

    Ah jeez, I have to get my abacus out for that sum!

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  7. Oooooooooooooh, is that what that is??

    How clever!

    And apropos.

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  8. Now, about this ‘Bubble Mind Explosion Protection Cap’: Do you have it in hot pink or viridian??

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  9. Babs, I never pictured you as a hot pink kinda girl. Viridian we can do.

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