I am not a blog

I will not make any deals with you.

I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed or numbered. My site is my own.

I will also not be memed. I am not a blog, I am a free website.

Then again, I just can’t say no to geek girls and, really, they don’t come any geekier than Jasmine Strong. Jasmine "tagged" me – the internet’s equivalent of kiss chases only with marginally less chance of catching headlice (so I wasn’t doing it right, sue me) – with the latest "meme": some fricking DVD fricking thing.

Do you know why I don’t "do" "memes"? They are the product of right wing fundamentalist Christians who wish to fill up the internet with textual detritus so as to use fascinating and not-at-all coincidental or forced pattern-matching algorithms on the sea of virtual ASCII characters to find hidden messages from God.


Anyway, I’ll do this one. This one time. Once only. Sigh.

MemeFricking DVD Fricking Meme Fricking Thing

1. The total number of DVDs, videos, and films I own.

Over 500 DVDs in silverish wire racks dotted around the living room and dining room! Mmmm, that’s style! There are some videos lying around in the attic but video is, like, so analogue baby and, besides, the video recorder has been relegated to the attic too since the DVD-HD recorder knocked on the door and begged to be let in. And I’ve got two of those DVD-carrying cases filled with Mystery Science Theaters (over a hundred of them so far) off the Digital Archive Project, God bless their souls.

2. The last film I bought.

Do box sets count? Wait, who am I asking? I’m not mad. The last film-based purchase was the entire Season 3 of Starsky & Hutch.

3. The last film I watched.

I, Robot. It was okay. Needed more product placement though. After running down to the nearest Audi showroom in my Converse shoes I was left momentarily confused as to what to purchase next. I bought a robot with emotions and instructed it to murder me. Little bastard didn’t even consider the three laws of robotics for a second before launching a savage attack on my windpipe with its paws. No Furby is a match for my Mighty Fist Of Crushing though.

4. My favourite five films of all time, ever.

Kind Hearts & Coronets · Oh, this black comedy murder movie just oozes class from every pore of it’s filmy skin. Dennis Price is priceless (do you see what I did there, huh?) in his role. Sir Alec Guinness is stunningly versatile as most of the cast. And Joan Greenwood as Sibella … stunningly beautiful (upturned noses make me weak at the knees) and utterly ruthless, like all women should be.

12 Angry Men · They’re men. They’re angry. There’s just under thirteen of them. The main set for the film was reduced in size as the movie was made to increase the claustrophobia; that’s genius! Can you feel how hot it is? It’s so hot!

The Andromeda Strain · Scientists, all of whom are unlikeable in some way, a new form of life brought back to Earth in a capsule that’s deadly to people, and all the time in the world to study it in a lab deep underground with a nuclear device for detonation in case there’s ever a breach! What could possibly happen? Great casting, great direction, great tension. And monkeys!

Lawrence Of Arabia · The only film I’ve ever watched and felt my breath literally taken away by. A vast film. Vast landscapes. Vast – INSERT DVD 2 NOW – direction. Vast music score. Vast acting by Peter O’Toole and Omar Sharif.

Equilibrium · Take Orwell’s 1984 and replace thought-crime with emotion-crime. Take away the nude scene with Julia. Boo! Add some of the best fight sequences ever to make your inner barbarian drool with thrilling excitement and get your inner philosopher’s hair wet.

5. Tag three people and have them blog this.

Who the bloody hell would want want to do this who hasn’t already done it? Geez. I’m sorry to all the people I mention here.

Lori Smith is a movie buff and once sent me a James Bond DVD and her underwear. Bloody thieving postman must have stolen the underwear though. I find it hard to believe she didn’t start this fricking meme in the first place.

xXMaLICeXx is also not a blog – ha ha! – and will also have to wrestle with his conscience before deciding whether it’s worth ditching his e/n principles (ditch! ditch! one of us! one of us!) in a bid to actually update more often.

Recidivist Mark recently wrote "dry as a bull’s bum going up a hill backwards" and deserves this punishment for inflicting such imagery upon my fragile psyche.

There, that’s it. No more memes. Normal service will be resumed shortly.

Be seeing you.

Author: Mark

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  1. By the by it seems we share the same preocupation with the splendor that is DVD media. I too own several hundred myself. I lost track after 500 or so. They litter my entire dwelling.

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  2. Ye … erm … "like" is such a subjective word.

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  3. neon, i feel your pain. i too resist being referred to as a blog. especially since it seems to be the "cool" thing now a days. hey, if CNN likes them, it must be good, right!!

    also, thanks for not tagging me. if you had, i’d have to kick your inter-ass haha < 3

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  4. We’ve all fallen victim to the occasional meme. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Really.

    *runs off to delete all meme-related posts*

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