I Am Engaged

Emerald Engagement Ring

I have become one of "the engaged peoples".

Yes, after eleven and half years of joyous living in sin we have decided to hitch up and incur the wrath of God no more. An emerald engagement ring has been purchased for my beautiful better half and I’m sporting a diamond-accented gold number myself. It’s all so terribly exciting and I just know you’ll want to know just how it happened.

Authentic Engagement Decision Reconstruction

Him: Good woman! Let us venture forth into the deepest bowels of the scurrilous region they call "The Lanes" in the homosexual-ridden haunts of the seaside city of Brighton just along this fine British coastline, thence to peruse the many vendors of jewellery-ware for we are but scant weeks from the celebration marking your arrival via the mechanism of birth into this world!

Her (swooning): Jewellery! Woohoo!

A conveyance ensues in an automocar …

Him: Good woman! I am beginning to despair of my decision to impart my visitation upon this city for the road signs indicating places designated for the parking of automocars have clearly been cast randomly throughout the many highways and routes criss-crossing this region in order to trap and confuse weary travellers and so convert them to gayism through pink osmosis.

Her: Sir! Look yonder! Despite the sign pointing towards the sea there is infact – should you glance beyond it – an automocar parking environment mere yards down this side street.

Him (swooning): Parking! Woohoo!

Our protagonists partake of some ambulation whereupon they soon find themselves within the shadowy world of "The Lanes" …

Her: Oh sir! These rings are so pretty! A woman would transform like the butterfly into a lady were she to wear these rings!

Him: Butterflies transform into ladies?

Her: Shut up.

Him: Shutting up.

Her (gasping): Upon my soul sir! Pray, glance into this jewellery-ware-vendor’s emporium and look upon this ring! Is it not beautiful and large and green and sparkly and beautiful and expensive and deep and rich and gorgeous and lovely and sparkle-sparkle-yummy?

Him: I get the impression you like it. You can have it if you want.

Her: Really?

Him: Yeah. I don’t mind.

Her: And we’re not doing the voices anymore?

Him: Nah. The man with the handbag keeps looking at me funny when I pretend to twirl my invisible moustache. Do you want it then?

Her: It’s a bit pricey. I can’t have that. It is nice though.

Him: You know I won’t stop you. If you want it we’ll get it.

Her: We said we’d only buy something like that for "our special occasion".

Him: Then it can be for "our special occasion".

Her: Really?

Him: Yeah, why not?

Her: Cool!

And they say romance is dead.

Author: Mark

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19 Comments

  1. For a moment I thought that well manicured and delicate hand was yours Mark. Then I read the post.

    Congratulations.

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  2. Thanks Grazor.

    Although my hand is quite delicate and well looked-after as it happens. Software development abhors chunky fingers.

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  3. Congrats! Just make sure she keeps it on her finger while washing her hands in public restrooms. One time, my mom took hers off and laid it on the sink while washing up at a McDonalds near Richmond, VA. The ring fell off the sink into the drain. The restaurant manager and staff couldn’t find it, even after taking the sink off the wall. That was the end of Mom’s ring. She was pretty upset, and my dad was REALLY PO’ed.

    Her wedding ring, which had been designed to fit together with the engagement ring, looked really awful and awkward after that.

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  4. Congratulations on your engagement! This is in addition to the congratulations that I sent by card. And the one verbally. It’s not additional (but is in fact part and parcel of the whole e-congratulatory set up) to the one via e-mail. If you can think of any other possible means of congratulations then I can add it to the ones I’ve thought of already – including the one involving The Lanes, infection and probable end of said engagement.

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  5. Jamie, Penny, Math: Thankyou.

    Math: Drank your champagne last night. Followed it up with margaritas. Forgot to eat anything. Very. Very. Very. Hungover. Am blaming you.

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  6. Oh – the sacrifices one makes for love.

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  7. Well then, congranulations (not a typo) on your impending loss of life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness. Good call my man. Being a 15 year veteran of this thing called wedded bliss may I lend a bit of advice to guide you on your way? AWESOME!?

    A) Begin your pursuit of long term legal counsel now. I prefer multiples of three personally. Not unlike dead kittens — you just can’t really have enough of them.

    B) The eventuality of domestic disputes/assaults are inevitable. Just remember these words young Mark: None of life’s problems are too great they can’t be remedied with just the right amount of KY Jelly…for her pleasure…butt of course.

    As an engagement gift I went ahead and resurrected our beloved TMYK and am currently in the process of re-skinning it to reflect the new – and altogether better- domain name. I present you E/N Days Dot Net. And before you berate me with your as per usual “where the fuck you been I thought you’d died blah blah blah” it starts with a J and ends with incarceration. Not literally but hell why not.

    Dinner?

    xXMaliCeXx

    P.S. Go to hell.

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  8. You sonofabitch. My "I thought you were dead" retorts are legendary and not to be undermined by the likes of you. Anyway, I didn’t think you’d died. I thought you’d fallen in love with the comfort and low maintenance costs of the Ford Focus and were living in the boot (that’s right, it’s not a trunk as far as I’m concerned) without a net connection.

    Thankyou for your marriage advice. I’ll take it under advisement in the same manner I’d let a botulism patient give me guidance in food preparation.

    Looking forward to endays.net – page not displaying just yet – as I’ve missed the banter and have been lurking around iq69 desperately looking for anyone who might actually be running a proper old-school e/n site. No such luck; we’re in the age of video linkdumps.

    In the meantime … get yourself over to http://www.lunarwars.net, create a colony, then register at http://www.brownboards.com, join the Browncoats, and set your LW colony’s alliance accordingly.

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  9. Well Mr. Man just to let you – my long time crony – know, my life hasn’t all been horrific law suits, orders of protection, audits, liquidations, and ass grease I did in fact after a lengthy battle of sorts tear our old database away from a certain lazy assed Mexican’t we all know and love. The main page has nothing for the time being, however if you delve a bit deeper you will see that by just adding the directory name “forums” after that domain name you will find the forum in tact safe and sound on my server where it should have been all along. Trace and I bought a lifetime license for forum and it’s there for all who care to pop by. I miss the place just as much as you. So pop on by would you? We’ll be waiting.

    Also, resurrecting my musical career has been tops on list as of late. Here you will find a somewhat poorly pieced together demo made @ my home studio of the forthcoming album and title track named “Drowning Lessons”. The working title is and was Freight Trains and Dead Bunnies. If can tear Trace away from his bottle long enough he will be adding the vocals. If you care to strum along I have included the tab as well. I sold my automotive business to spend more time doing what I was put on this earth to do: Look pretty and melt that fucking grin right off your peachy little fat face.

    And sadly you couldn’t have been more on point with the whole “The Internet(s) has become a video link dump” thing. I have shamefully made the leap to YouTube myself. Funny you brought up gaming.

    Take a peek what I have been up to on that tip as well. You remember the greatest flash game ever Desktop Tower Defense? As I remember it that game drove you crazy. Give the newer version a try. I WILL be looking into the gaming community LunarWars and look forward to stomping your ass all the way back to Alderon. If that makes any sense et al.

    Anywho, that’s what’s been goin’ on. Well, much more than that, but this is what I chosen to do to make me not kill ever mother fucker in the tri-state area. Miss me? Well I miss you too. Homo. (Seriously, I had my doubts about you for a while there and nice to see a female hand in that picture. It’s good to see your heathen ass has finally taken it upon yourself to make Daiseykins, football soothsayer and prognosticator extraordinaire, an honest woman. You just don’t find women like that in this modern day anymore. Good luck. And I mean that.)

    I will be back in touch shortly. It’s that time of year again to make my trek to the land of the Redened Neck to see my boys swap paint @ 200 . Hopefully this year Harley will take me up on my offer of Go Karts @ high noon. But then again you already knew that now didn’t you.

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  10. Malice, assuming that your invite wasn’t just for Mark (if it was then consider me a gate-crasher and ask me to remove myself) – I couldn’t get that page to work either (just like the other website you post against your name).

    I rather enjoyed "Drowning Lessons". It had a touch of the hypnotic head-banging monotony of Metallica’s "One", but for my personal taste it needed more bass (although that’s probably just my PC speakers which are too puny to make my ears bleed properly) and some vocals by a man who’s gargled broken glass would just finish it off nicely. Monster was good too, but the melodic insert did scare me for a moment as I thought it might turn into a Europe-style ballad. 😉

    So when are you going to open your website properly – I need somewhere else to languish when Mark hasn’t written anything for a while?

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  11. Malice, endays.net still doesn’t resolve.

    However … enddays.net does bring up quite possibly the most thoughtfully-crafted website on the entire internet containing incredible proof – not that proof is ever needed – of the VERY EXISTENCE OF GOD. In this, a post about holy matrimony, I thought it important to definitely not steal a picture from that page showing THE FACE OF GOD!

    Holy Moly! It’s like His pixellated debris clouds eyes follow you around the room.

    I second Grazor’s statement of enjoying Drowning Lessons but the bass was just right. Grazor … get thee to a Computer Shoppe and purchase some decent speakers forthwith! I can’t wait to hear Trace over the top of it. It makes my little heart soar to think of the American-French Canadian metal alliance hard at work.

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  12. Mark, I definitely need to look into that. The root of the site has nothing in it therefor WON’T resolve. However, everyone else CAN see the forum. I am going to have to see if I have your net block blocked due to spam. I have pretty much everything east of London shut down. I always thought anyone beyond that point in Europe was incapable of reading.

    I sort of agonized over the naming of that domain due to its duality. E/N Days is what I was after. But it seems it will draw on the religious fanatics yearn for the end of times, which, come to think of it, might not be a bad source of traffic and loads of fun on the front end.

    Grazor, you are welcome to join in anything we do hear. A friend of Mark’s is definitely a friend of mine (except for the overly political and ones who like nuts in their mouths. See also: Wil Smith). I quite liked the Monster jam. DL the MonsterII wav and listen to what I presented to Guitar Center. I made that song after being picked by Guitar Center to Demo CakeWalk. Recording on computers was really new some 10-12 years ago so I tossed that together to show off the power of the PC for all the musicians who thought they were damned to using a Tascam 4 track tape deck for the rest of their lives.

    I must wag my finger at the two of you though. If you ever make a reference to Metallica when offering up a critique on anything I have ever written I will hunt you down and rip that scandalous tongue right from your head. If you listen closely you will hear a bit of “For Whom The Bell Tolls” in that [Drowning Lessons] song. The reason isn’t due to me paying respect to the worst band EVER. It was to poke fun at them for sucking such a vast amount of cock over the decades. That and I couldn’t think of a suitable bridge to the bridge to bond the two parts together. I am a huge Bears fan and all they ever played at Soldier Field was the intro to that song. We all know how that ended earlier this year. Kind of like a dual: NICE FUCKING JOB YOU ASSHOLES! I mean F# IS F# now ain’t it. (#=Sharp).

    Also, the song has no bass in it what-so-ever. It was recorded quite hastily due to Trace not being able to get the feel for it via the tab. That and I run between orders of protection and law suits like you guys run between raindrops. Or so it may seem these days. Anyway, it was recorded using the only drum kit I could find in Reason that didn’t sound like some techno ass munch launching photon torpedoes. The double bass drum – which is eighth note triplets at a brisk 160 tempo – was there for a metronome more than anything. It (the guitar) was laid down using just my shitty $400.00 Line 6 practice amp and a bottle of pills (metaphorically speaking of course). No bass was put down yet. It is also missing the intro that I have played for people using my proper rig – two full British Marshall Stacks driven by about $15,000 worth of rack equipment – and they said it reminded them of a Nun being bludgeoned by dead puppy carcass. Just what I was looking for really and couldn’t be happier. If the final mixed and glass mastered version of this song doesn’t conjure up images of a freight train barreling out of control running over bunnies you just don’t have a soul.

    I’ll be back into this fold before too long. I have 20 complete songs ready to go, one nothing like the other, and too am looking forward to getting Trace to do something other than complain. More to come. Off to the races.

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  13. Heh. My scandalous tongue was definitely in my scandalous cheek when I mentioned Metallica, although I don’t think I hate them quite as vociferously as your good self.

    I feel vindicated about my assessment of the bass. Mark – you must have very tender ears if you felt that it was just right. Too much Kenny Rogers will do that to a guy you know.

    By the way Malice – we are actually both west of London.

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  14. Malice, when Grazor talked about bass he was referring – I think – to the opposite of treble as opposed to some stringed instrument. I, of course, was talking about the fish.

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  15. Oh I see – sorry Mark, I misjudged your aural capabilities. Indeed, the level of Bass was just right, but that got me thinking that a touch more Bream wouldn’t go amiss.

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  16. Much more romantic than my own proposal – while waiting for housemate to get out of bathroom, I was lying in bed. Ex was sat on the bed, and we were talking about moving out and buying our own place so we wouldn’t have to hang around waiting for bathrooms.

    "Well," says Ex, "If we’re going to do that, we might as well go the whole hog!"

    "What do you mean?"

    "Well, do you want me to go down on one knee?"

    Congratulations, by the way!

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  17. Thankyou woman. I was mortified after buying the ring when the woman in the shop handed me the ring with a "Go on, propose to her now while I’m watching, it’s okay" look on her face. I simply put the ring half on my other half’s finger and said "there you go, you do the rest". The thought of public displays of sentimentality like that makes me tremble with fear.

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  18. Mark, that pic you posted of the ‘Face of God’ looks more like ‘The saggy man-boobs of God’ or maybe ‘God’s meat and two bits’.

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