These days most caterpillar-milking is performed by machine but in light of the coming end days when electricity stops working and society collapses in on itself in a rampage of orgiastic yelling and accusatory pointing it is important that the skills of our fathers and forefathers and their forefathers are kept, cherished, nourished, never admonished, occasionally polished, and – most importantly – disseminated to the survivors of the impending apocalypse via the technological miracle of the internet.
Note: somebody please print off a hardcopy of the internet before it’s too late.
Caterpillars have incredible psychic senses and can tell when their milk is about to be stolen. The success of machine-milking is due to the insects not being able to accurately discern the thought processes of the metallic monsters. It is important that you meditate before milking in order that your emotional thinky processes do not alarm the caterpillar. Worried caterpillars produce lumpy milk fit only for the production of cottage cheese.
Free your mind of milk-related thoughts. Imagine you too are a machine; a cold machine, pure of purpose, wide of girth, mighty of stronginess, friend to the caterpillar, not a horrible caterpillar milk-stealer, oh no sir. Breathe deeply, feel your heart rate lowering. Yes, you are ready.
Loosening A Caterpillar
Finding yourself near an unsuspecting caterpillar is a good first step but caterpillars will still not easily give up their precious juices unless they are in the right frame of mind. Loosening a caterpillar is a difficult job and experienced caterpillar-looseners were worth their weight in groats during the Middle Ages.
Techniques you can try include plying with alcohol (caterpillars rarely refuse Long Island Iced Tea), spiking leaves with Rohypnol, milk rape, and chat-up lines. Here are some tried-and-tested chat-up lines for caterpillars:
- If I said you had a beautiful cocoon would you metamorphose for me?
- If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d add some juicy leaves next to ‘U’.
- Are you a Jamaican caterpillar because Jamaican me want to milk you of your milk please thankyou.
- Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven or did your sixteen legs and rotund thoracic segments cushion the blow?
- You’re beautiful, can I buy you a GIVE ME YOUR MILK!
The results of those particular tests was failure so you will need to find your own.
Milking A Caterpillar
If possible you should adopt a routine as this will help your caterpillar feel calmer and ultimately start producing more of that milky goodness. Place your milking stool to one side of the caterpillar and sit at an angle so that your head is resting on its rearmost abdominal segment. Wash the caterpillar’s udders with a warm, damp cloth and dry using Egyptian cotton towels. Place your pail under the teats and grip one of them gently with the palm of your hand. Squeeze the teat at the top with your thumb and forefinger and then yank down as hard as possible. Caterpillars love the rough stuff. Continue until the milk stops pumping and the teat becomes softer to the touch or bloodied. Release the teat, kiss it thankyou, and repeat for the remaining teats.
Good care, a sensible routine, and plenty of succulent leafy feeding should ensure your caterpillar keeps producing milk for up to nine months or until it is carried off and killed by a crow.
Caterpillar milk is used in the production of several varieties of cream cheese and yoghurts, is a great low-fat, high-insect alternative to cow’s milk on cereal, and is used extensively in the porn industry for bukkake scenes.