How To Kiss
People often follow me out of public lavatories and ask "How do you kiss so well? What’s your secret to kissing? Do you perhaps have a guide for kissing boys or girls on your website, for example?" and other similarly-framed, leading questions designed to please search spiders. My answer is usually "Why, no I don’t have such a guide but, yes, I am greatly-skilled in the art of kissing so, maybe, one day I will present a list of helpful hints and tips for those people worried about their first kiss, officer."
That day has come.
Kissing The Perfect Partner
Let’s suppose you’re interested in someone of the opposite or same sex and you’re thinking about kissing that person, hopefully within a scenario that hasn’t involved date rape drugs or a cosh-and-climbing rope combination abduction in the back of a van. You want that first kiss to be perfect. You want it to be a memorable kiss for both of you. You have unrealistic expectations.
To prepare you for the disappointment of the kiss you must first realise that there is a correlation between your height and that of your partner when determining how good the kiss can possible be. Ideally, there should be a small difference in your heights, enough for one to lean slightly up and the other to lean slightly down. If you discover that you are the same height as your prospective partner you might want to consider wearing platform shoes or investing in a home rack system. The following graph of relative heights for kissing partners and the highest expectation of a good kiss you should realistically hope for might clarify the situation:
You might be nervous if this is going to be your first kiss. You might just be a nervous person anyway. Or maybe you’re a naturally dessicated person. Whatever the reason, it’s imperative that kissing be done with moist lips. A cracking texture is perfect for toast; it is less pleasant during mouth-to-mouth non-resuscitation. Wet your lips with your tongue or by drinking something just prior to kissing to ensure as soft and smooth a kiss as possible.
Caution! Do not grin while licking your lips. This has been demonstrated to spoil the mood somewhat unless your partner has a clown fetish.
Further Caution! Do not over-wet your lips prior to kissing. This has been demonstrated to spoil the mood somewhat unless your partner has a granny fetish.
The situation will determine the correct pressure to apply when kissing. A very light, barely perceptible kiss brushing gently on the lips, almost breathing contact onto their surfaces can be extremely sensual or it may be your only option if you don’t want the other person to wake up. Fast, rough, hard kisses such as those you see in movies when actors and actresses are trying to convey passion do not actually occur in real life as, in real life, the body’s sense of self preservation in the tooth area overrules any carnal imperative to slam heads together at speeds approaching the sound barrier as a precursor to sexual shenanigans. Somewhere between the two extremes is more typical.
Parting The Lips
After moistness and pressure the next most important part of kissing is making sure that the lips are set right. Close up tight and your partner may think, correctly, that you are psychotic. Too far open and the natural instinct to run away from predators will kick in and ruin the experience entirely. Your lips should be parted slightly. Practice. You should be just unable to fit a pencil between your lips. Do not practice immediately prior to kissing unless you know that your partner enjoys the taste of wood and graphite.
Use Your Hands
Many people don’t really know what to do with their hands while they are kissing. Many other people think they know what to do with their hands while they are kissing but they are wrong and that sort of thing can get you jailed.
Holding the hands of your partner while you kiss can be very sweet but for a more passionate kiss try cupping your partner’s face within your hands. Hold or stroke their cheeks lightly or run your fingers through their hair and pull them towards you as you kiss. Do not pull them away from you. They don’t like that.
The neck is one huge erogenous zone, perfect for touching or kissing. Now you know why giraffes are always smiling.
The ears are very sensitive to touch. Stroke them or even kiss them gently. If it smells a bit waxy then don’t stick your tongue in, otherwise go for it. Try not to make slurping noises as this can deafen your kissing partner.
Advanced Kissing Techniques
Remember: there is more than one way to kiss. Thankfully. Otherwise you would kiss your partner the same way you kissed your father. That’s not good. Once you have mastered normal kissing you can experiment with the action to make the experience that bit more memorable:
- French Kiss – Anything that features excessive use of tongues is described as "French" (bread, toast, cuisine, foreign legion) and kissing is no exception. With your mouth slightly open and your heads tilted relative to one another push your tongue gently into the mouth of your partner preventing his or hers from doing the same to you. The game finishes when one of you triggers the gag reflex in the other.
- Spider-Man Kiss – Hang upside down and kiss your partner from this position. The change in orientation will surprise you even as it confuses you, and you will both discover that the kiss is devoid of any emotion or sensation just like in the film shortly before the blood rushes to your head and you suffer a sensual embolism.