There comes a time in every man’s life when he sits down and compiles a list of the 10 hottest babes of science fiction. It’s not something we can help and, since it’s a pleasurable experience, it’s not something we care to consider controlling either. For me that time has come now. I’m not the first man to do this and I won’t be the last and I won’t pretend that every other man will agree with this list 100% either. But most will. Because it is that good.
Actress: Missi Pyle
TV Show/Film: Galaxy Quest
Oh, that’s not right. But it is. Tentacles. Hot.
Character: Princess Ardala
Actress: Pamela Hensley
TV Show/Film: Buck Rogers In The 25th Century
It was very difficult being a woman in the early 80s series of Buck Rogers. How any of them kept from rolling around in hysterics while the corset-wearing, white spandex-apparelled hero tried to hold everything in while sometimes conveying both of his emotions (smiling and not quite smiling) in a single scene beggars belief. Still, the show did feature a string of ladies for Buck to rescue or with whom he could enjoy romantic interludes. Everyone remembers Wilma, of course, but everyone with a functional libido remembers Princess Ardala more. She wasn’t as wet as Wilma, her spaceship was bigger, she was a Princess for freak’s sake. And can anyone say "scantily-clad lust kitten"? Well, I’m thinking it anyway.
Actress: Whoopi Goldberg
TV Show/Film: Star Trek
Hairy girls are not hot despite what the Germans think so it’s a step in the right direction that Whoopi has no eyebrows. More importantly, though, is that Guinan runs a bar. Can you feel your temperature rising? Yes, that’s the alcohol at work.
Character: Martian Girl
Actress: Lisa Marie
TV Show/Film: Mars Attacks!
What can I say? I like girls with big … hair. Ack ack ack ack ack.
Actress: Louise Wischermann
TV Show/Film: Lexx
Lexx just oozed sexuality so it would be almost impossible to omit it from any list of science fiction babes or hunks. For the ladies there was Stanley Tweedle and for the manlier sex we had a procession of lovelies to salivate over. I could have picked Zev and her blue pubic hair. I could have picked Xev and her lips to die for. But when it comes to selecting the hottest of the hots it simply must be the luscious Lyekka. She’s a man-eating vegetable in nearly anatomically-correct female form. She can’t get pregnant, can handle herself in a fight, and will be happy with an occasional watering and a fresh growbag every now and then. She’s very nearly perfect.
Actress: Anne Francis
TV Show/Film: Forbidden Planet
If you’re one of those people who thinks they’ve never heard of Forbidden Planet then think again! Robbie the Robot? He came from Forbidden Planet. The mystical – and only spoken in hushed tones – "film where Leslie Nielsen isn’t annoying"? Forbidden Planet. William Shakespeare’s The Tempest? Based on Forbidden Planet. But onto the hot babe: Anne Francis. Short dresses are hot. Her upturned nose is incredibly hot. The fact she’s spent a long time on a planet with only her odd father for company is something to be pushed to the back of the mind where it can keep the id company.
Actress: Brigitte Helm
TV Show/Film: Metropolis
Maria is a leader who wants the best for her people and who wants to find the middle road or heart between the brains of society and the muscles. We’ve got strength, we’ve got beauty, we’ve got negotiating instead of sniffing and claiming "No, there’s nothing wrong" before sulking for the next week. Oh yes, and we’ve got not one single word spoken for around two and half hours! Can I hear an "amen"?
Character: Æon Flux
Actress: Denise Poirier’s voice
TV Show/Film: Æon Flux
I had a choice: cartoon version or film version with Charlize Theron. No. Contest. I don’t like scrawny women. I don’t like thongs. I disapprove of guns. I prefer blondes (because I’m a gentleman (and because my other half might read this (although it’s true anyway sweetheart, really))). I shouldn’t like Æon based on her physical characteristics so it must be her attitude to authority that’s so appealing. And that must mean I’m not shallow and all those shots of her bony behind, long legs spreading, crouching poses, and scantily-dressed physique have had no perverse impact on my psyche. Yay me.
Character: Tucana Singer
Actress: Er … Dunno …
TV Show/Film: Battlestar Galactica
Two mouths. Two of them. We’re talking licking your belly button at the same time or, if you’re really kinky, trombone accompaniment.
Character: Dr Ruth Leavitt
Actress: Kate Reid
TV Show/Film: The Andromeda Strain
Is there anything hotter than a woman’s brain? Yeah, I didn’t think so and that’s why Kate Reid’s portrayal of the only Dr Ruth it’s okay to lust after is number one in my list. She’s smart, she’s opinionated, she’s epileptic. Everything a man needs. She also smokes which is a filthy habit but you know what they say about women who smoke! That’s right! They smell really bad. Also something about oral sex; I forget what exactly but I’m sure it’s good.
And that’s my top ten list of the hottest sci-fi babes of science fiction babedom. Honourable mentions must go out to Pearl Forrester from MST3K and that six-breasted dancer in Jabba’s palace in Return Of The Jedi for their hot attributes of power-crazed ambition and having six breasts respectively.