Henchy Monthly: June Edition

Welcome to the June edition of Henchy Monthly!

Henchy Monthly is a free newsletter available to all employees of Auriga Base. Not for redistribution outside Auriga Base or for viewing by non-Auriga Base personnel under penalty of liquefaction.

Henchman of the MonthAuriga Base News
June has been a month of highs and lows. Let us start with news less well-received by our most wonderful leader Dr Silverhead.

Firstly, the much publicised failure of the Russian Solar Sail craft was a bitter blow to all of us. As you all know the core of the craft had been replaced by agents of Auriga Base working on Project Sunbeam. The replacement of the high resolution camera with a particle beam weapon drawing power from the Sun’s photons hitting the sails sadly put the craft over the weight limit needed to achieve orbit and the craft fell into the ocean near New Zealand. Dr Silverhead had already prepared some video showreels with demands for money from various world governments and threats of city-wide destruction otherwise and was suitably displeased at this disappointing outcome. The lead scientific team of Project Sunbeam were sent to personally test Project Giant Food Blender as punishment.

There has been some good news this month for one of our own: our congratulations go out to Oddleg, Dr Silverhead’s chief assassin, whose wife has announced she will be expecting their first child in February. Suggestions for the child’s name will be gratefully received and will be printed in next month’s newsletter. Just hand them in to your level supervisor before July 20th for inclusion. Oddleg has graciously offered a prize of one of his deadly syringe-tipped moustaches for the best name. There will also be a prize of one of his deadly syringe-tipped moustaches for the worst one. Only the manner in which the prize is awarded will differ.

In lighter news the guards protecting Project Hindenburg apprehended a British secret agent early this month. Chief Security Guard Ramirez reports that everyone followed the guidelines to the letter and our unwelcome guest has now fully broken down in the glass bowl of hydrochloric acid on the top level of the visitors centre at Castle Silverhead in Romania.

Apprehension Guidelines
Do you remember your Apprehension Guidelines 101? Strip your intruder down and remove all their clothing and any jewellery and watches they may be wearing. Hands and feet should be secured with your Silverhead-issue plastic restraints. And always remember to shoot your captive in one knee for safety’s sake. Auriga Base has enjoyed over four years without a serious infiltration and that’s all down to great teamwork and top-notch diligence. The healthy fear of punishment in the Crocodile Cage can’t hurt either!

Spicy Iced Banana Pie
Guards and scientists working on the Lava Level have enjoyed the eclectic stylings of cafeteria chef Algernon Le Poisson for the last four months. Everyone will be pleased to know that his recipes are now being spread to the various eating places throughout Auriga Base due to popular request. A well-fed henchman is a happy henchman.

The Disco Dungeon
The Disco Dungeon will be closed in July and August due to the necessity for urgent repairs to be carried out on the Hypnoball and the Hypnofloor. There have been some complaints that the carpet has lost its stickiness and this will be replaced at the same time. Prisoners in the Donna Summer Sector will be housed in the Taipan Pit behind the employees’ creche, while the valuable political detainees currently incarcerated in the K.C. And The Sunshine Band Chamber will require temporary relocation to The Labyrinth. During this time The Labyrinth will be closed to members of the public. Disco Dungeon guards and torturers will need to confirm any shift changes with their supervisors. Dr Silverhead apologises for any inconvenience caused.

LATE NEWS!
Project Giant Food Blender have unfortunately missed their deadline for completing the apparatus that their group was assigned to work on. This has had an obvious knock-on effect on Project Humongous Sponge Cake and looks set to delay the birthday celebrations for Dr Silverhead in September. Team members of Project Giant Food Blender and Project Sunbeam have been imploded in decompression chambers and fed to the Komodo Dragons on the top secret Silverhead Archipelago in the South Pacific.

Mad Genius ShowcaseCompetition Time
The rumours are true; we are expecting U.S. Navy Seals to launch an attack on July 9th and casualties are expected to be fairly high. So, what better prize than having July 9th off as a paid holiday? Not only that but this month’s winner will also receive a family pass to Disneycave Silverhead. To enter just answer the simple questions and tie-breaker below. Winner will be drawn and notified by July 7th so get those competition entries in quick!

1. Rearrange this anagram to form the name of a well-known person on Auriga Base: EVIL RED SHARD
__________________

2. The highest revenue earner for Auriga Base in May was which of the following? (Clue: See last month’s newsletter)
a) Anya Bolloks, ex-Soviet spy, and current Auriga Base Sexual Blackmailer and Genitalia-Ripping Champion.
b) Proceeds from sales of "Now That’s What I Call A Disco Dungeon Frenzy Party Volume 3".
c) The gift shop on the Biochemical Weaponry Level.
d) The Dr Silverhead Used Combat Blimp dealership.

3. Tie Breaker. Complete in 15 words or less: I would gladly die protecting Dr Silverhead because __________________

Last month’s competition winner, Gina Fleming, administrative assistant on the Nanospy Research Mezzanine, correctly identified that the "odd one out" was Professor Klein who was the only scientist not to have displeased Dr Silverhead and had his family crushed into cubes. Well done Gina! A luxury hamper is on its way to you now.

Employment Opportunities
We currently have a number of openings available so if you know any friends or family who might be interested in working for a team-oriented company with good rates of pay, generous overtime, benefits, and splatter-resistant uniforms, and who would thrive in a challenging and continually-changing environment then why not pass their details onto us and let us do the rest?

Available positions:

  • Henchmen. Due to last month’s accident in the Chihuahua Plague Workshop we are seeking a significant number of general henchmen and henchwomen. Duties will include light guarding, filing, stacking, and taking Chihuahuas for walks while dressed in full Nuclear Biological Chemical suits. Experience is not essential.
  • Scientists and laboratory technicians. Training will be provided but experience in the construction and operation of giant kitchen appliances is highly sought after. This job may suit someone from a cooking background who is a quick learner and is seeking a new career path.
  • Laser Eye Surgeon. Auriga Base is looking for a highly-qualified laser eye surgeon to diagnose and repair the laser eyes on the Cyclops Defence Statues on Silverhead Island. This is initially a contract position with the possibility of full-term employment for the right candidate. Previous applicants who were allowed to leave the island alive need not apply.

July’s Newsletter
We’re hoping to have plenty of pictures from the Navy Seals’ attack in next month’s newsletter and welcome any first-hand accounts of heroism from those of you who are not killed during the onslaught or when Dr Silverhead releases the cyanide into the ventilation system. As always we also appreciate any suggestions for inclusion or improvement you might have. Remember: this is your newsletter.

Henchy Monthly is a free newsletter available to all employees of Auriga Base. Not for redistribution outside Auriga Base or for viewing by non-Auriga Base personnel under penalty of liquefaction.

Author: Mark

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3 Comments

  1. Think I’ll apply for the scientist position. I once baked 3 dozen chocolate chip cookies on a BBQ.

    I’d go for the henchwoman job, but I’ve an unhealthy fear of Chihuahuas ever since my cousin’s sleeping pit-bull was impregnated by same.

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  2. Mark, I am applaud by your political incorrectness. We all know you have much love for ‘henchmen’ however in this day and age; you just might find it a lot less discriminatory to refer to them as ‘henchpersons’. Just think of all the ‘persons’ you just might have alienated. The horror.

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  3. The cookies were actually QUITE good, I’ll have you know.

    I never did see the actual puppies since my cousin was viciously attacked by Dr. Ruth with a can of diet coke. Coincidence?? Hmm.

    I always pictured very tiny puppies, though, with massive jaws that tipped the poor things over while their paws flapped madly in the air.

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