It seems like only two months ago that I wrote my Spooky Horror Tales Of Terror in anticipation of the Halloween to come and yet here I am about to allow the seasonal theme to interfere and warp another update around its sinewy interfery fingers of interference. Of course, I’m all storied out of diabolical yarns of horrific happenstance so why not welcome back the incredibly devilish and devilishly incredible prognosticator of fate, last seen around Easter, yes, it’s the Terrorscope!
Aries The Ram (March 21 – April 19)
As the nights grow longer so too will your back hair and it’s going to be a real adventure on the morning after Halloween when you will be forced to take a machete and trim it all back. Somewhere on your trek to reclaim your dorsal epidermis you will come across the ruins of a long-extinct South American culture and will explore the ruins. Much treasure awaits you inside but it’s all located in the gut of a ravenous Back Beast with the unlikely yet surprisingly accurate name of Super Swift Hungry Hungry Harpo. Your death will confuse coroners and will be rejected as a plot line for CSI: Miami.
Lucky Care Bear: Maim-A-Lot
Taurus The Bull (April 20 – May 20)
You will meet someone wearing an amazingly lifelike Michael Jackson mask on the eve of Halloween and be compelled to invite them around the following day for a party – something the person accepts – safe in the knowledge that the very lifelikiness prohibits the stranger from actually being Michael Jackson. Drunk and in bed together later – fully clothed, mind! – the mask will fall off and you will see the real Michael Jackson underneath. Your initial terror will be tempered when you realise that this too is a mask and you and the wacky prankster himself, the Great Cthulhu, will enjoy a nighttime game called I Will Devour Your Head Mortal Moron. Actually, you will not enjoy it quite as much as your guest.
Lucky Injury: Popped Eyeball
Gemini The Twins (May 21 – June 20)
Halloween or All Hallows Eve will forever be renamed All Garden Gnomes Keep Swinging Their Fishing Rods Into My Exposed Openings Eve from this year on for Geminis. Strangely, the garden gnomes you assume to be responsible for the various and painful insertions are really being framed by Leprechauns in disguise who are upset at their portrayal by actor Warwick Davis in numerous films and wish to deflect the terror. This will be of little consolation when a ringworm infection transferred by fishing hook to your rectal regions leads to accidental amputation of your choice of limb in a hospital mix-up.
Lucky Prison Cellmate: Karl Rove
Cancer The Crab (June 21 – July 22)
You are about to discover that events in numerous MMORPGs being played online are about to intrude on your personal life on October 31st. A 3rd Level Accountant trying to purchase an Abacus Of Truth And Beauty in Legends Of Finance will inadvertently set in motion a deep tissue audit of your family while a newcomer to the online world of Hostile Realms Of Fruit will unwittingly mail you flesh eating bacteria-laden grapes using the in-game post office. What you really have to watch out for, though, is the neighbour with a grudge currently spending all of his or her time seeing what wonders are hidden inside the Tomb of Maniacs in Kings Of Chainsawland Online.
Lucky Unreleased Kate Bush Single: Gettin’ Jiggy Wit’ Emily Bronte
Leo The Lion (July 23 – August 22)
Werewolves, werewolves everywhere and not a drop to drink! That’s the confusing thought you’ll be thinking on Halloween thanks to reading this paragraph. That and being surrounded by werewolves. Some of your other thoughts will include "Eurgh, wolf breath!", "Nice doggy, nice doggy", "Sweet baby angel of death! Not my ears! My precious ears!", and "Wait! Why have I turned into a werelitterbox? Oh God! No! Bad doggy!"
Lucky Fungus: Trichophyton
Virgo The Virgin (August 23 – September 22)
Are there any people better than Virgos? I don’t think so although I may be biased. And my opinion is shared by a busload of incubi and succubi on a day trip from Hell. It’s sex, sex, and more sex. All day. All ways. Painless, painful, and blotted out by the mind for protection. On top, beneath, inside, on all fours, spun around rapidly. In every hole and out of every pore. Against the wall, in the kitchen, sliding down a pole, and on roller skates in the countryside. Threesomes, fivesomes, multidimensionalsomes. In short: it will be the greatest Halloween ever! Unfortunately, they won’t call or write afterwards and you will require expensive therapy before you can learn to love or use your thighs again.
Lucky Blind Date: Ray Charles’ Ghost
Libra The Scales (September 23 – October 22)
Nosferatu’s back and this time it’s personal. His memory’s a bit lacking though so a random Libran will be the subject of his interest during the Halloween period. There’s nothing he’d like better than to stick his fangs into anything moving so try to keep pets and wide-eyed children out of the way. Water beds are susceptible to sudden and explosive dehydration. For a laugh invite Billy Corgan to your house and persuade both of your guests that what they’re looking at is a mirror when they first meet. Film the results.
Lucky Breaking News!: Tony Blair Sorry About Cherie
Scorpio The Scorpion (October 23 – November 21)
Answering your door on Halloween expecting a young trick-or-treater the particular treat you’ll receive will be that the youngster is close to six feet tall, pale-skinned, dressed in black clothing, and sporting crazy, dark hair and gothically horrific make-up. A feeling of paralysing dread will sweep over you. Robert Smith of The Cure wears a deadly concoction of after-shaves, one of which is Joop! and he will subsequently feast on your soon-to-be coccooned body for weeks to come, inspiring a new album. This will explain the track titled I’ve Never Seen Warts There Before.
Lucky Plant: The ITAIPU Hydroelectric Power Plant On The Brazilian-Paraguaian Border
Sagittarius The Archer (November 22 – December 21)
You will be abducted on Halloween by Creationists who wish to conduct tests on your living body to prove once and for all that they’re right about Intelligent Design and everyone else can go back and do those highbrow activities like "reading" and "learnifying" and stop making fun of them. It may be scant consolation to know that when your entrails are cast the message will read "I didn’t design this. Can’t do hands or perspective. God."
Lucky Invisible Word:
Capricorn The Goat (December 22 – January 19)
A severed chicken head will crawl into your bed using its beak during the night and whisper demonic utterances into your ear while you sleep. The nightmares you experience will put your heart under extreme pressure, your sweat glands through their most rigorous workout ever, and make your decision to not buy plastic bedsheets one you’ll regret. In November you will buy a new mattress and will become wedged under it trying to move it through your hallway. The severed chicken head – because of guilt – will eventually free you by pecking off your hips and the two of you will become firm friends until the salmonella infection spreads through your torso and disintegrates your lungs.
Lucky Kama Sutra Position: The Brian Dennehy Star Jump
Aquarius The Water Carrier (January 20 – February 18)
At the witching hour on All Hallows Eve you will be visited by three witches. Ugly biddies all of them and lit from underneath with spooky green mood lighting, they will also fill your abode with smoke thanks to a portable dry ice machine. They will be seeking a new recipe for their book The Naked Crone and you’d better have some good ideas or you’ll end up an ingredient. Try to think of something with lip of gnat or eyelash of mole as I hear they’re popular with the wiccans right now and avoid eye of newt because of the recent fears over mad lizard disease.
Lucky Method Of Execution: Death By A Thousand Nibbles
Pisces The Fish (February 19 – March 20)
Prince once sang "Let’s go crazy!" and promptly went ahead and did so. If only he’d inserted the word "tortoise" before "crazy" you’d have something to sing along to as these demonically possessed entities tear through your house on Halloween in search of your particular variety of human flesh. Doors will only slow them down but they can be rendered almost immobile with tough questions about climate change although you’ll need to be quick and make sure that their ears aren’t blocked up with wax as a guard against such an attack. If you make it to dawn alive then the threat from the tortoises will be over and you’ll only need to defeat the giant spider in the bathroom and the ninja bear in the cupboard under the kitchen sink before you can rest.
Lucky Elvis Lyric: Uh Huh, Mmmm, Huh, Shake, Mmmha, Hammm, Mmmm, Huh, Uh