Men! How to wrap presents

Today is the birthday of My Beautiful Better Half™ which means that for the next two months and a few days she is no longer younger than me and, therefore, technically and more importantly, I am not older than her. I’m not here to talk about her birthday presents though in case I have been captured, drugged, physically altered, and made to think it is a later date than it really is so as to give away what I bought – yes, that’s right, I have seen "36 Hours" starring James Garner! – but I do want to share wisdom that I have managed to consume through the membrane of my skull and that wisdom is this:

The neOnbubble Guide To Wrapping Presents For Men

I’m a man. I have all the man-parts associated with men including – but not limited to – dangly bits, sticky-out bits, bits that really should have been put on the inside out of sight and harm’s way, and ruggedness. I also have a man-brain, something far superior to the Lady Brain from Remington which looks pretty but has no sense of direction and a small and ineffective sport appreciation lobe. However, the man-brain does seem to be lacking a natural gift-wrapping skill. This is probably a result of evolution; cavemen, according to historians, would go off hunting all day, then play some football, get steaming drunk on ripe fruit, and stagger home (note the superior sense of direction) to be fed by their lovely cavebabes. The females, during this time, would have tidied some rocks, washed some rocks, and finally wrapped some rocks in vines and leaves so as to surprise their beloveds on their arrival. Over the decades since then hunting has given way to the industrial revolution and space travel, while rocks have been replaced by cushions, but otherwise nothing has changed. Wrapping, like the appendix whose purpose in flaring up and screeching and driving off the giant butterfly overlords who seeded this planet with man back in Jesus’ time is now almost moot, is an unnecessary appendage – albeit a mental one – for most men.

There are many techniques for wrapping presents. Some are advanced, some are basic, some apply to specific types of gifts. I’ll show you how you can cope with most types of gift-wrapping scenarios using just two simple methods that anyone can learn.

The Scrunchy Sticky Swift Method
This technique is a catch-all method for wrapping any type of gift in a short amount of time. Ideal for odd-shaped presents and last-minute "Oh my God! Our anniversary! I’m going to die!" situations.

You will need: one sheet or roll of wrapping paper approximately four times the perceived size of the gift, glue, the actual gift itself.

Lay out your sheet of wrapping paper on the ground, shiny or patterned side down. If you are using a roll of paper you will also need four house bricks to place on each corner to stop the roll reforming. Place your gift in the centre of the paper (1). Liberally pour glue all around the paper, avoiding the gift, avoiding the floor, and avoiding your feet (2). Next, grab all four corners of the sheet or roll of paper (you may need to be quick if using the brick gambit) and scrunch them together in the centre above the present (3). Pat down the exposed outer sides of the paper. Twist the paper at the top and attach an elastic band for that finishing touch (4).

Wrapping Presents

There is a high likelihood that the paper and gift will become as one during this process. For that reason you should probably limit using this technique only to gifts where losing some of their outer surfaces won’t matter too much (gifts already in bags that will need to be removed anyway, or pets which can grow their fur back, etc.) or in dire emergencies or if the beneficiary of the gift has a mental illness or suffers from blindness.

The Pretty Patchwork Method
If you’re smart or lucky then you’ll buy gifts that are square (books, DVDs, crates of oranges, etc.) or you’ll have a box into which you can place something non-square (a beachball is non-square). Once you have a square object you can use the Pretty Patchwork Method.

You will need: two sheets or rolls of paper, scissors, tape measure, protractor, compass, pencil, sextant, logarithm tables, sticky tape, the gift itself, a soundproof room, staple gun, a flower or plant, three arms.

Take the gift and arrange it at a jaunty angle. You will run into fold-overlapping problems if you attempt to wrap your gift in a fashion where it is perpendicular to the paper so the jauntier the better! Measure the length, width, and height of the gift using millimetres or cubits; inches do not work with this technique. Also measure the largest angle to the perpendicular formed by the gift as shown in the diagram below (1). Using this simple formula fab+b(ca + 2ab) -> (-sin(d) + 4abn-1 + cb) / 5n-1-a derive three loci with non-imaginary coordinates and trace and cut out a smooth curve on the wrapping paper using the centre point of the gift as the centre of the x and y axes (2). Place the gift on the paper in the centre, making sure to position it at the exact same angle as originally measured. Now, starting from the top and working clockwise pull each overlapped piece of paper over the gift to the centre point and tape up (3). Now lay a second roll or sheet of paper over the top of the half-wrapped gift; for a unique look use a roll or sheet with a totally different design. You should be able to feel the first sheet underneath so, using it as a guide, trace and cut out the shapes you feel in this top sheet. These shapes can then be taped to the first layer completing the look (4). For added Wow! factor staple a flower or plant to the outside (5).

Wrapping Presents

Be careful when stapling that you don’t damage the gift too much. Minor mutilation of the present should be expected and accepted by whoever is receiving the gift as a small price to pay for such thoughtfulness in the first place.

Finally, here are a few giftwrapping-related hints and tips:

  • use a marker pen to indicate with arrows where the end of the sticky tape is after you cut a piece off; it will save crying and will brighten up your tape with arrows!,
  • for that personal touch you can make your own wrapping paper using twelve kilograms of industrial food colouring and a paper mill by a fast-flowing stream,
  • women will always need money for shoes so why not pay a woman to wrap your presents for you if you’re having trouble?,
  • women will always fear men so why not order a woman to wrap your presents for you if you’re having trouble and have no more money?

Happy wrapping!

Author: Mark

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29 Comments

  1. Due to low rainfall the fast-flowing stream next to my paper mill is more of a trickling rivulet. Thusly, the neOnbubble-wrap production is slower than expected. Rest assured, though, that the high quality wrapping paper you seek is merely years away from hitting the shelves.

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  2. I think you forgot to say to put air holes in ‘The Scrunchy Sticky Swift Method’ Mark,
    unless of course your cat was already dead

    You are aware that the NSPCA would frown on such live un-oxygenated encapsulation of presents practises?

    Similarly a dim view would be taken by the same named organisation on anyone attempting oxygenate by puncturing airholes in an already live wrapped present

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  3. NSPCA Wannabe: air holes would – of course – be a necessity were the cat alive in the conventional sense of the word but, as you can plainly see, the cat in the diagram is motionless. Now, admittedly, cats spend 98.785% of every day motionless but that small percentage when they’re not is when you want them to remain still. Subsequently, it is quite clear that the cat in the diagram has been put into suspended animation by replacing its blood with a saline solution and lowering the core body temperature. Such air as is trapped in the wrapping will suffice the animal until such time as it is exposed and revived once more and the fumes from the glue will give it a much needed rush too. I hope that alleviates any concerns you may have had.

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  4. Wow, you must really love cats. I usually just hit mine with a brick.

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  5. When he says "recognise the quality" he means that you will feel the familiar touch of Andrex … shortly after your finger has gone through the last sheet at a strategically inopportune moment.

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  6. How retarded am I? I thought this was a real gift-wrapping site because I’m a complete and utter moron. Thanks for wasting the time it took to link here and trapping me because I’m a twat.

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  7. Quite possibly the most important tutorial I have read this year.:)

    Thank You!

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  8. Possibly the most useless page I’ve been to. I thought there actually might be something more useful that put your cat in a bag wrapping, clearly I was wrong. Takethis page off the internet!

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  9. Fabian is posting from Essex university. What a fine educational establishment it is! Allowing those in a vegetative state to attend! Wow! And people think it’s hard to get into university? Pah!

    Fabian said …
    Possibly the most useless page I’ve been to. I thought there actually might be something more useful that put your cat in a bag wrapping, clearly I was wrong.

    No, no, no. You weren’t wrong. You were – and, I dare say, remain – a moron. But wrong? Never! Don’t put yourself down like that. Keep "not getting the world" and allow others to do it for you.

    That Twit Again said …
    Takethis page off the internet!

    Here’s the deal: take yourself off the internet for good and this page goes too. Quid pro quo. Can’t say fairer than that.

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  10. Wow, do I detect a hint of anger there Mr. Bubble? Very well played old man. It seems you can pinpoint just about anyone with this commenting system of yours. Get an address and I bring you his head…….off the Internet(s).

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  11. how male chauvinistic… if you can’t learn to do it just accept it as it is, but don’t insult the whole male gender by suggesting men are incapable by nature. oh yeah, and "women will always need money for shoes"? – are you kidding me?? grow up.

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  12. Gina said …
    how male chauvinistic… if you can’t learn to do it just accept it as it is, but don’t insult the whole male gender by suggesting men are incapable by nature. oh yeah, and "women will always need money for shoes"? – are you kidding me?? grow up.

    Dear Gina, please forgive me!

    I wrote this at a time in my life when I knew no better! These days I am the perfect feminist-supporting, equal-opportunist who would never dream of demeaning hot and intellectually-lacking women – as I’m furtively imagining you might be – in such a manner. I only leave this article untouched because I’ve seen Biloxi Blues and taken to heart the advice of never censoring my thoughts. Consider this article here my penance; a reminder of my evil, manly, woman-hating ways of the past.

    Thankyou for comprehending the article as it was meant to be – a slur on the female species – and not falling into the trap of mistaking it for a partially humorous gift-wrapping guide not to be taken seriously. Your insight in the absence of so many other’s blindness has roused my spirits to the highest heights and I vow this day to have the op and become a woman too – hot and undressed, like you – so that we can march side-by-side striking down chauvinism wherever it may rear its head.

    Love, Mark (soon Marion)

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  13. that wepsite is the most greatest go their

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  14. You make me smile. =)

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  15. Its nearing Christmas and I am about to wrap some presents. To my suprise I have come across a wonderful and educational site on gift wrapping. Thanks to the authors and such educatied readers and women I have found a new love of Christmas. My little girl is asking me for a rat! I think I’ll wrap it in a quick method. A little glue won’t hurt it to much. The cat might get to it first so I will have to store it in a top shelf for a month first. Stapling on a bow on would also be a great idea. Some little antlers might make it a more christmas like.
    Merry Freaking Christmas all.

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  16. "Thank you for comprehending the article as it was meant to be – a slur on the female species – and not falling into the trap of mistaking it for a partially humorous gift-wrapping guide not to be taken seriously."

    This line pretty much made my week.

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  17. Oh my god! Have you been at my place recently?
    That’s exactly how i wrap my gifts, looks like a 5-year old has done it, maybe i should find a night class to learn how to wrap stuff up.

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  18. Why would you spend effort telling people how to wrap gifts like a half wit!!!

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  19. Purely to annoy you Harry, purely to annoy you. And so that you could spend effort commenting like a half … no, quarter wit.

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  20. thank you,^.^
    that gave me a much needed laugh.
    I was really tired wrapping gifts and was looking for a new way to fold a bow when I can accross this site. but you should know that there are people who enjoy wrapping gifts, like me, who wouldn’t mind at all if you ask them for help or for them to wrap it for you.

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  21. I thought I would be able to wrap gifts here! You are a total waste of my time you Freak!

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  22. Dear Jerk,

    Please accept my heartfelt apologies and this coupon code – HX309228/A – which entitles you to 15% off an intellect in your next life.

    Hugs and kisses,

    Mark

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  23. you could probably make the wrapping a little more casual….and nicer.

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  24. You actually have me laughing audibly. This is by far the best wrapping guide on the planet. I thank you for sharing the secrets of effectively wrapping gifts. You are a gentleman and a scholar. Thank you Mark…or is it Marion now?

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  25. what a load of crap why not put something useful on this site

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  26. Haha
    Lighten up
    Made me laugh for a minute or two :)

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  27. you’re funny Mark. …stumbled on this when I’s looking for a proper gift wrappping website… but this was very funny. =0) thanks for the laugh.

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