Men! How to wrap presents

30 Jun 2005 12:13 by Mark

Today is the birthday of My Beautiful Better Half™ which means that for the next two months and a few days she is no longer younger than me and, therefore, technically and more importantly, I am not older than her. I'm not here to talk about her birthday presents though in case I have been captured, drugged, physically altered, and made to think it is a later date than it really is so as to give away what I bought - yes, that's right, I have seen "36 Hours" starring James Garner! - but I do want to share wisdom that I have managed to consume through the membrane of my skull and that wisdom is this:

The neOnbubble Guide To Wrapping Presents For Men

I'm a man. I have all the man-parts associated with men including - but not limited to - dangly bits, sticky-out bits, bits that really should have been put on the inside out of sight and harm's way, and ruggedness. I also have a man-brain, something far superior to the Lady Brain from Remington which looks pretty but has no sense of direction and a small and ineffective sport appreciation lobe. However, the man-brain does seem to be lacking a natural gift-wrapping skill. This is probably a result of evolution; cavemen, according to historians, would go off hunting all day, then play some football, get steaming drunk on ripe fruit, and stagger home (note the superior sense of direction) to be fed by their lovely cavebabes. The females, during this time, would have tidied some rocks, washed some rocks, and finally wrapped some rocks in vines and leaves so as to surprise their beloveds on their arrival. Over the decades since then hunting has given way to the industrial revolution and space travel, while rocks have been replaced by cushions, but otherwise nothing has changed. Wrapping, like the appendix whose purpose in flaring up and screeching and driving off the giant butterfly overlords who seeded this planet with man back in Jesus' time is now almost moot, is an unnecessary appendage - albeit a mental one - for most men.

There are many techniques for wrapping presents. Some are advanced, some are basic, some apply to specific types of gifts. I'll show you how you can cope with most types of gift-wrapping scenarios using just two simple methods that anyone can learn.

The Scrunchy Sticky Swift Method
This technique is a catch-all method for wrapping any type of gift in a short amount of time. Ideal for odd-shaped presents and last-minute "Oh my God! Our anniversary! I'm going to die!" situations.

You will need: one sheet or roll of wrapping paper approximately four times the perceived size of the gift, glue, the actual gift itself.

Lay out your sheet of wrapping paper on the ground, shiny or patterned side down. If you are using a roll of paper you will also need four house bricks to place on each corner to stop the roll reforming. Place your gift in the centre of the paper (1). Liberally pour glue all around the paper, avoiding the gift, avoiding the floor, and avoiding your feet (2). Next, grab all four corners of the sheet or roll of paper (you may need to be quick if using the brick gambit) and scrunch them together in the centre above the present (3). Pat down the exposed outer sides of the paper. Twist the paper at the top and attach an elastic band for that finishing touch (4).



There is a high likelihood that the paper and gift will become as one during this process. For that reason you should probably limit using this technique only to gifts where losing some of their outer surfaces won't matter too much (gifts already in bags that will need to be removed anyway, or pets which can grow their fur back, etc.) or in dire emergencies or if the beneficiary of the gift has a mental illness or suffers from blindness.

The Pretty Patchwork Method
If you're smart or lucky then you'll buy gifts that are square (books, DVDs, crates of oranges, etc.) or you'll have a box into which you can place something non-square (a beachball is non-square). Once you have a square object you can use the Pretty Patchwork Method.

You will need: two sheets or rolls of paper, scissors, tape measure, protractor, compass, pencil, sextant, logarithm tables, sticky tape, the gift itself, a soundproof room, staple gun, a flower or plant, three arms.

Take the gift and arrange it at a jaunty angle. You will run into fold-overlapping problems if you attempt to wrap your gift in a fashion where it is perpendicular to the paper so the jauntier the better! Measure the length, width, and height of the gift using millimetres or cubits; inches do not work with this technique. Also measure the largest angle to the perpendicular formed by the gift as shown in the diagram below (1). Using this simple formula fa_b+b(c^a + 2a^b) -> (-sin(d) + 4ab^n-1 + c^b) / 5_n-1-a derive three loci with non-imaginary coordinates and trace and cut out a smooth curve on the wrapping paper using the centre point of the gift as the centre of the x and y axes (2). Place the gift on the paper in the centre, making sure to position it at the exact same angle as originally measured. Now, starting from the top and working clockwise pull each overlapped piece of paper over the gift to the centre point and tape up (3). Now lay a second roll or sheet of paper over the top of the half-wrapped gift; for a unique look use a roll or sheet with a totally different design. You should be able to feel the first sheet underneath so, using it as a guide, trace and cut out the shapes you feel in this top sheet. These shapes can then be taped to the first layer completing the look (4). For added Wow! factor staple a flower or plant to the outside (5).



Be careful when stapling that you don't damage the gift too much. Minor mutilation of the present should be expected and accepted by whoever is receiving the gift as a small price to pay for such thoughtfulness in the first place.

Finally, here are a few giftwrapping-related hints and tips:

• use a marker pen to indicate with arrows where the end of the sticky tape is after you cut a piece off; it will save crying and will brighten up your tape with arrows!,
• for that personal touch you can make your own wrapping paper using twelve kilograms of industrial food colouring and a paper mill by a fast-flowing stream,
• women will always need money for shoes so why not pay a woman to wrap your presents for you if you're having trouble?,
• women will always fear men so why not order a woman to wrap your presents for you if you're having trouble and have no more money?

Happy wrapping!