Goodbye Tony Blair

Bye BlairIt’s been a diabolical decade under Tony Blair’s Titanic-style captaincy and with it now coming to an end journalists, editors, authors, and owners of small websites with not much else to do will rush to answer the question: just what has been that total arse Tony Blair’s legacy?

Eleven years ago the UK was content to elect grey politicians with dull lives, spending their time lying in an uninteresting manner, carefully ignored by the populace at large. Blair changed all that. His razzle-dazzle style of Labour leadership, co-opting songs people already hated and turning them into Labour anthems people really hated, coupled with his youthful head of hair, forced part-grimace-part-smile, and odd-looking wife befuddled all nine of the electorate who turned out to vote in 1997 and things were never quite the same. Things could only get shittier.

Nostalgia is a funny old thing. There’s not one of us who doesn’t think that things are worse now than they were before, whether that’s diseases, politics, kids, or diseases picked up from political kids. It takes an analytical mind to truly pick apart what has changed and determine whether such changes have been good or bad and luckily for you I’ve an analytical mind positively oozing from my ears.

Monster Munch
In 1997 Monster Munch were approximately 35% larger and with that larger size came extra fluffiness in the texture. The smaller, slightly more rigid Monster Munch do not meet with my approval. It is unlikely that such a change would have been enacted without government coercion and there seems no logical reason for the reduction in size as the weight of crisps in the packet remained the same. Although strenuously denied by the Prime Minister at the time it is widely believed that the size change was one of Blair’s first experiments in seeing how the British people reacted to disappointment. Blair went on to meddle with Wagon Wheels too before turning his attention to more bloodthirsty pursuits.

Extreme Makeover
I’ve recently found my eyes watering during some of the final reveals. I used to be more cold blooded than a lizard in a fridge with ice cubes in his socks. When E.T. The Extra Terrestrial first came out on pirate video I remember laughing at the end while a room full of neighbours, their families, and their friends – all invited because we had one of those new-fangled VHS thingies – huddled around the TV set sobbing hysterically en masse. I didn’t because I was that cold. I felt nothing when my grandad died and turned up to the funeral in combat trousers, pierced nose, pierced eyebrow, and bright red hair. I was that cold. And a trendsetter too. And inconsiderate with hindsight. But these days plastic surgery on ugly people and excessive makeup that looks impossible to reproduce without an on-hand beauty salon at your beck and call 24 hours a day is enough to unlock the floodgates on my tear ducts. Don’t tell me that Blair hasn’t been putting something in the water to turn me into a blubbing bunny! He bloody well must have.

My Mum’s Computer
Tony Blair often blows his own trumpet when there is any talk of the National Health Service. There used to be a time when a hospital would blow your trumpet for you but New Labour’s reforms of the NHS under Blair put a stop to that. He also claims they’ve cut waiting lists and led to new hospitals being built but he carefully conceals that we’ll be paying through the nose for those for decades to come thanks to the terrible PFI system in place and never talks about the thousands of staff without jobs. One of the changes to the NHS – an expensive change, naturally – was the introduction (or threat thereof) of the NHS Supercomputer! Okay, so it is still an unworking piece of crap and has cost taxpayers millions but one thing it did achieve was forcing nurses and doctors to become computer literate if they weren’t already so. My mum wasn’t already so. Now she is … if by "computer literate" you mean "knows where the online Irish radio station is and likes YouTube but still can’t write a music CD properly and has an amazing ability to hide menus and toolbars on applications it shouldn’t be possible to do that on". And I’ve had to help my mum because of Blair. A lot. I’ve also had to struggle to get Sky Broadband working for my mum because of Blair and let me tell you this: Sky Broadband is shockingly shit. The supplied router is crap. The connection is atrocious. The support is laughable. My stress level raises have manifested themselves physically as demons and wrought havoc. And Tony Blair did all that. And he did it on purpose too because he’s a bastard.

Goodbye Tony Blair.

Author: Mark

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  1. I used to love Wagon wheels. Bloody things dont taste right now.

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  2. What a nauseatingly departure speech seen by Labourites through rose-tinted glasses as usual. As for Lord Kinnock – get in the real world. Good riddance to Blair, unfortunately damage to the country is irreversible I fear.

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  3. Can’t believe they timed Bliar’s departure speech with the *ahem* nothing to see here *ahem* just ignore that spending increase for the abhorrent id cards bill in the corner *ahem* ooh look he’s thanking his wife *whistle*

    Wait a minute. Yes I can.

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