Gold Anklet Thing

Don't even think about having sex with these girls!Hi!

Welcome!

Thanks for taking the time to check out Gold Anklet Thing!!!

Let’s just confirm that we’re not affiliated in any way with Silver Ring Thing and their sexual abstinence programme. Here at Gold Anklet Thing we have our own completely different sexual abstinence programme and we think you’ll like the difference!!!!

What difference?

Well, for a start Silver Ring Thing is a sexual abstinence programme whose followers wear a silver ring as a symbol that they have decided to forego sex until marriage. Here at Gold Anklet Thing we’ve selected the gold anklet because gold is far more pure and precious than silver and anklet doesn’t have a sexually perverse alternative meaning like ring does. If you’re trying hard to think about not having sex then the last thing you want is the constant reminder that your finger has been pushed through the centre of a ring. Am I right? Huh? Am I? Huh?

How does it work?

Our followers put on their gold anklet and sign a pledge abstaining from sexual activity until marriage. In return they’re treated to TOTALLY AWESOME! and COOL!!!! club-like atmospheres in club-like clubs featuring:

  • no alcohol!!!!,
  • a drug-free zone!!!!,
  • no pressure about sex!!!!,
  • awesome technology!!!!,
  • no sexual thoughts at all!!!!,
  • constant reminders not to think about sex!!!!,
  • wicked cool music about not having sex!!!!,
  • awesome stunning megacool wicked new friends that you won’t think about having sex with!!!!,
  • and more!!!!

Is ‘Gold Anklet Thing’ better than ‘Silver Ring Thing’?

You bet your sweet virginal cheeks it is! And how!

Silver Ring Thing will tell you that abstaining from sex is the only way to prevent diseases killing every single possible right-wing voter and that condoms don’t work!!! and that skin-to-skin contact can spread sexually transmitted diseases! They even have doctors who say condoms are bad!

How totally irresponsible then for SRT to place boys and girls in the same clubs.

At GAT we make sure our clubs have separate rooms for both sexes. Moreover, everyone is blindfolded at all times. You can’t think about what you can’t see. And that’s why Gold Anklet Thing beats Silver Ring Thing hands down.

Can you buy Gold Anklet Thing merchandise?

You sure can. It’s a totally awesome way to show your peers just where you stand on the whole sex issue. When you’re wearing or holding some Gold Anklet Thing products you know you won’t receive unnecessary pressure from people after the one thing you’ve decided to save for the right person.

The gold anklet itself is a totally free gift after you complete our initial nine day indoctrination, vow to think pure thoughts and remain chaste, and your £250 cheque clears but you are free to buy as many t-shirts, hats, stickers, or balloons as you can afford.

By showing your support for Gold Anklet Thing we make sure we show our gratitude and support right back by awarding a special badge to whoever buys the most merchandise each month. The Supporter Extraordinaire badge (with the logo "S.Ex") is yet another way you can demonstrate how pure you are to those around you.

Can anyone join?

Boys or girls, whether you’re a virgin or you’ve had straight sex with a member of the opposite sex for the purposes of procreation only and you felt only true love for the person at the time and didn’t switch positions at any point or use your mouths for anything other than breathing and used a bed and kept your eyes closed, from any age between 12 and 19: you’re all welcome to join up!

I’m a deviant sodomite or lesbian who is waiting for Christian values to be thrown aside so that I can marry my perverted partner. Can I join?

No.

How do you deal with temptation?

Jesus Christ was tempted by the devil although He wasn’t offered sex at any point. We realise that people are tempted every day.

Silver Ring Thing deal with temptation by providing one-on-one mentoring and accountability partners. That’s simply not good enough for Gold Anklet Thing!

Clothing that says 'Don't Even Think About Sex' available from Gold Anklet ThingWe make sure that all our female members are given a full gynaecological check-up at every meeting by one of our older, male group leaders. This way we can ensure no sexual activity has taken place, it sets a definite goal of not failing the check-up that helps to keep the girls pure, and it prevents women becoming used to the touch of other women which is how malaria is spread.

For boys, questioning while connected to polygraphs and electrodes on the genitalia monitoring responses to the most disgusting pornographic films that Sweden has to offer help keep the minds focused and the thoughts conditioned.

What are the steps to purity?

The 8 stage, 30 month programme offered by SRT is too complicated and too long. Kids are totally awesome and want to think about not thinking about sex but kids also have small amounts of patience. That’s why Gold Anklet Thing‘s 4 Step, 4 month programme is more appealing, more rewarding, and has better results!

  • Pledge – Pledge is our nine-day indoctrination. It takes nine days because everyone is different and everyone has their own breaking point. During this time you’ll learn how having sex will lead to the extinction of humanity and why God punishes those who fellate outside of holy wedlock. At the end you’ll vow to remain pure and will be assigned a Guardian to help you.
  • Commitment – Commitment takes between one and two months depending on how much merchandise you buy. During this time you’ll attend the weekly clubs and twice-weekly meetings and you’ll learn to cope with real-life situations that could potentially lead to sex and how you can avoid them (hint: wear your Gold Anklet Thing "I’ve Not Had Sex Yet" t-shirts!)
  • Friendship – Friendship is where you bring in outsiders to the ways of pure, Christian awesomeness and sexual abstinence. You’ll need to convert at least three friends and we’ll show you tried-and-tested methods for doing just that.
  • Zenith – Zenith is the point at which we decide you’re in control of your thoughts and you are appointed as a Guardian. From here you’ll be able to help run clubs and meetings in your local area and perform check-ups on new members too.

Are your followers more attractive than those of Silver Ring Thing?

You’ve been looking at SRT’s galleries haven’t you?

Sorry, but the answer is No. Most male followers are physics students and most female followers have a history of excessive hair on the upper lip in their family. God made worthy people this way to make it easier for them to remain true to programmes like Gold Anklet Thing.

Was this programme started by right wing politicians and religious bores because they were tired of being considered flops in bed as their two-inch manhoods didn’t measure up and so wanted to produce a system where the women didn’t know any better?

Where did you hear this?

Author: Mark

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11 Comments

  1. Nice idea, but it’s been done. You see, a few weeks ago I started a club of "We want to get laid but unfortunately too morbidly obese to do so.". It’s the Onion Ring Thing

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  2. I have to say, opening the Daily Mail to find them fawning all over SRT this morning was the closest I’ve ever come to substituting newspaper for looroll. You have however restored the equilibrium and I thank you for it.

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  3. They should make sick bags on planes out of the Daily Mail.

    Great post, btw. When do we get a club for people that want to have lots of sex and no marriage?

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  4. Rhys: I think I must be an honorary member of that club.

    Pencil: It’s really quite frightening isn’t it?

    Jenny: I’m sorry I missed that article. It almost makes me want to run out and see if I can find a copy of the Daily Mail now! No. The moment’s passed. I’m sane again.

    Lori: Would that not induce more sickness though? As for the club: are you offering to set one up?

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  5. [colour=indigo][/colour]
    is this for real? if it is, i have a few questions, maybe someone can answer. why would you blindfold someone? and why are they so ani- gay and anti- non procreational sex, and why would God smite someone if he is suppose to be forgiving.. and are they saying that God made them ugly so that they will stay pure?

    one more thing. if they’re trying to get people, calling the first step "indoctrination" might not be the best thing to do. it sounds like a cult.

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  6. I’m convinced that staring at a reminder not to have sex doesn’t merely keep reminding you about having sex. I’m convinced that these are 24 carat Gold Anklet Things, and not Ratner-style electroplated tat. I’m convinced that this project will save the world and I’d like to send you all my worldly goods. Please send me a Gold Anklet Thing mug in return.

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  7. hey
    Do you realise that wearing an anklette on your right ankle in spain is the sign of being a hooker?
    Just thought i’d mention it 😉

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  8. are you insaine? so wearing a ring is ment to symbolise some kind of anal fingering. and obviously you havent seen the lesbian foot f*cking websites. genius. get. out. more.

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  9. dudes im so sorrry ive just realised that this is a joke. awesome. *slaps himself for not reading whole article* hehehe thanks for the laughs!!

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