A little while ago here in sporadically sunny England we had a series of polls to elect members of the European Parliament. Thanks to declining standards of education among the tabloid newspaper readers and a still-at-rock-bottom-for-the-second-decade-running low standard of education from the tabloid newspaper publishers, "journalists", and editors, a little party – they must be little otherwise their small minds would roll about inside their heads and crush their bigot gland – managed to win a number of key seats in some key areas. Farmers, yokels, fishermen, and the recently-escaped-from-"special"-hospital placed their webbed hands down on the ballot papers and granted power to the United Kingdom Independence Party.
UKIP’s main policy is to make sure that the United Kingdom does not fully join Europe. Their plan to do this by joining a pan-European parliamentary body seems, on the face of it, a little absurd and, therefore, totally expected. What’s even more absurd is that the European Parliament would let them join. Personally, if I had a club – let’s say a timber appreciation club – I’d probably not accept the membership of someone who filled in the box "What do you hope to gain from your time in Mark’s ‘Timber Rocks!’ Club?" with the answer "I intend to steal as much timber as I can for my new shed and then cover my tracks with the knowledge gained from my love of all things arson-related." But my club wouldn’t be democratically-elected. I would be supreme commander and would give myself a title befitting a person of my stature but with the air of mystery or insanity that gives freemasons ideas: Grand Rutting Oak.
So, UKIP’s tactic is, apparently, to disrupt parliament enough so that everyone else gangs up and throws the UK out. Inspired.
How have they done so far? Well, on his first day "on the job" – to coin a phrase – as a representative on the women’s rights committee, MEP Godfrey Bloom flipped a coin and chose to belittle pretty much all working women everywhere. If his 10 Euro coin had landed the other side up he would have undressed and used an overhead projector to cast a silhouette of his flaccid penis onto the wall during the afternoon’s session so we can all thank God for small mercies.
No self-respecting small businessman with a brain in the right place would ever employ a lady of child-bearing age … I just don’t think [women] clean behind the fridge enough … I am here to represent Yorkshire women who always have dinner on the table when you get home.
It takes a lot to get me excited about a person unless that person is a woman when it typically takes very little but that’s a completely different type of excitement altogether. I am very excited about Godfrey Bloom. So excited, in fact, that I took it upon myself to find out as much as I could about the man.
Godfrey Bloom’s website is a source of fantastic information. Sadly, most of it is only accessible on the secret pages. I’m forbidden from telling you what they are under the Web Developer’s Charter but I am allowed to summarise.
Godfrey Bloom Isn’t His Real Name
No surprise there.
Nobody is called Godfrey anymore. The name Godfrey lost popularity as a hip name during the reign of King John when Robin, Will, Friar, and Little took the nation’s parents by storm. For hundreds of years the name languished and was laughed at by strong, manly names like Mark. The name Godfrey, nowadays, is only taken by people trying to be different, people trying to present the air of history and patriotism to the mentally-deficient, and people with foreign names who adopt good old English names to avoid being attacked by the British National Party but who are given bad advice because they have no friends. MEP Godfrey Bloom – or Abdul Goldstein to give him his birthname – just so happens to fall under all three categories.
He chose the name Bloom to cash in on the success of Lord Of The Rings. The page on his site with nothing but photoshopped pictures of Orlando and various Orcs (http://www.godfreybloommep.co.uk/orlando_urukhai_gangbang.htm) should not be used to form any other reason for the legal name change.
EDIT: The webpage appears to have been taken down now.
His Wife Is A Horsey Person
Godfrey is married to Katie Bloom, one of the UK’s leading equine physiotherapists. She just loves big, dumb animals.
Little else is known about Katie but, from Godfrey’s own comments to the women’s rights committee, we can assume that:
- since Katie has a job Katie can no longer be of child-bearing age. Since women can bear children for far longer these days we must accept the fact that Godfrey Bloom is married to a really old woman. We can further postulate that he must like older women. Since he’s knocking on a bit himself it is reasonable to suspect he may have a cache of granny porn somewhere. It follows that UKIP must be aware of this and, not wanting to suffer embarrassment in the press at a later stage, are planning on promoting granny porn in the near future ("UKIP – No to Europe, Yes to Hot, Hot, Hot Agnes in Surgical Stockings Strip!"),
- she doesn’t like to clean behind the refrigerator and her house smells of mould. The only other reason for Godfrey to notice that behind the refrigerator is a cleaning void would be if Godfrey was having an affair with some other women whose house smelled of mould. But that would require two people on the planet to like him enough to touch flesh and even Vegas wouldn’t take your money on that bet,
- many horses suffer needlessly under her physiotherapy when she realises that Godfrey is due home and there’s no food ready on the table for him. How many possible Grand National winners have failed to materialise because they were left in the bath while their physio darted off to cook dinner causing their legs to wrinkle and increase wind resistance during races? We may never know. For her to still be one of the UK’s leading equine physiotherapists we must conclude that all physiotherapists in the UK are Yorkshire women.
Godfrey’s Vision Of The UK … Of The Future!
Like all members of UKIP, Godfrey shares a vision where, in the near future, the European Union is something the frogs are striking within, the Channel Tunnel is used solely to deport lefties, townies, darkies, the moustachioed, the homeless, the BBC, and anyone who opposes granny porn, and there’s never been a better time to spend all day out in your trawler, ploughing your field, or tending to another case of foot and mouth disease among your livestock. It’s a party that looks forward to it being the nineteenth century all over again. Wages are nice and low because the UK is no longer required to pay people enough money to live on and now it’s free to undercut East European sweatshops but food is plentiful. So long as you like fish and black pudding. Godfrey likes fish and black pudding.
Godfrey Enjoys Looking At Sportsmen
President of a cricket club, Vice President of a rugby club; I think it’s fair to say that Godfrey enjoys the company of other men getting sweaty, whacking balls over other men’s heads, and is a fan of a well-made tackle.
He’s a real man, though. He has a wife. He’s from Yorkshire. None of them are like that up there. Towelling off players after the shower is a responsibility of the presidential position; nothing more.
Godfrey Is After Robert Kilroy Silk’s Position
An understandable spokesperson in Britain’s friendly "nazis for a new millenium" party is that of Robert Kilroy Silk. Best known for his sterling work in wanting all Arabs bombed out of existence, Kilroy also possesses charm and smarm and a certain attractiveness if you’re blessed with cataracts in equal measures making him irresistible to elderly women (keep an eye on your wife Godfrey!) and those of both sexes with no brains; this last group of people make up a dangerously large portion of the public.
Godfrey is as handsome as a Yorkshireman ever gets, possesses no charm, and his smarm manifests itself as a dripping sweat which is a bit of a problem. In order to gain greater power Godfrey has decided to use his power to annoy to great effect instead. We’ve already seen how his first day in parliament went and, luckily, his website outlines his future plans too:
- leave all the taps running then complain about the waste of water in Europe,
- turn up to important meetings in jeans and a Sex Pistols t-shirt,
- blockade the cafeteria until Yorkshire pudding is added to every meal option,
- hold a press conference every week to announce the European Union’s desire to declare war on a random third-world country,
- improve the life of Yorkshire women by pushing through a bill to force them to wear sackcloth bikinis and walk ten feet behind Yorkshire men at all time,
- start and finish every sentence with the phrase "ecky thump."
Kilroy may have the face and personality but does he have the cunning intellect and deviousness of Bloom?