I was quite dismayed to read an article on Digital Spy reporting that the girls of Girls Aloud (whose fans are generally regarded as among the most humourless on the planet) were being "pestered by ‘perverts’" and Nadine was quoted as telling some propaganda-filled excuse of a newspaper that they "get disgusting perverted old men at the stage door". For the record – and I’m only saying this once – I wasn’t pestering; I was investigating for this article. That’s the level of commitment I have. And I’m not that old either.
Now, you’ll be pleased to know – especially if you’re one of the members of Girls Aloud who I’ve recently been pestering (damn!) – that my investigative journalism has come to an end and I can reveal secrets about the girls of Girls Aloud never before revealed. That’s why I can reveal them! Otherwise I’d be merely repeating them! That’s what reveal means! If you want exclusive photos of Girls Aloud then you’re in the right place. If you want naked pictures of the girls then you’d better prepare to meet Mr Disappointment right now and kiss him on both cheeks (both sets) because, sadly, I don’t like you enough to share them with you. Or I like you too much. Depends who you are really. Wait! Who am I? Oh, and if you only visit this site because you can’t wait to see what phrases I’m using in a bid to fool suckers using that there search engine technology I’ve heard so much about into visiting this page then you will absolutely love the fact that this article includes the phrase "nude photos" despite not featuring anything of the sort. If it helps you can pretend I’m undressed while writing this article about Girls Aloud but it’s not quite the same thing. And it’s not true either. I’ve got socks on.
Who Are Girls Aloud?
That’s a good question me. Naturally, if you’re British then the musical artistes known as Girls Aloud will be as familiar to you as Charlotte Church’s mobile phone picture, toasted sprouts, or sentient nasal hair with the lion mark of quality stamped into it. For the other 96% of my visitors (hello Bahrain!) Girls Aloud may need a little explaining. Possibly some apologising too but I’ll start with explaining.
Girls Aloud were formed in 2002 through the TV programme ‘Popstars: The Rivals‘. Try not to think of this forming as being similar to the Earth’s formation over a hundred years ago with rocks and dust and spit all coming together and heating up and cooling down and becoming a big old planet with water and trees and gold in them thar hills. Although that’s a very close analogy in fact; some of the girls have very nice hills and I imagine many a prospector has dug around trying to stake a claim in his time.
Anyway, let it suffice to say that they’re an all-girl group of singers who wear tiny pieces of clothing and who pop up on television programmes promoting their occasionally catchy songs.
Enough of this dilly-dallying – I’m on strict orders from the doctor to limit my dilly-dallying to twelve a week in line with government guidelines or face my twilight years without a dilly-dalliance bone left and only the searing pain of arthritis and the hilarious antics of my alter-ego Professor Sebastian Alzheimer for company – and let’s get on with "the show". That’s a bit of an in-joke there for ultimate Girls Aloud fans like me but it’s a rubbish one and you probably won’t get it.
Girls Aloud’s Nadine Coyle
There is nothing that Nadine doesn’t know about beer. A regular attendee of the Oktoberfest, owner of her own brewery (Coyle’s Charms; produces a smooth bitter with a hint of raspberries and an annual Christmas ale every August), and self-proclaimed leading light in the field of beer-tasting, Nadine spends much of her free time away from the band hopping (like hops, like you get in beer, God I’m wasted on you lot) from pub to pub in any of the towns or villages near where she is appearing.
Her thirst (thirst, because you drink when you’re thirsty, and you drink beer, and, and do you get it? Oh, why do I bother?) for experiencing new things isn’t just limited to alcohol. However, similarly, it also doesn’t extend to approaches for erotic photography. Oh no. Fully-clothed or a glassing are the only options offered there.
FACT: Nadine invented the water-wheel in 1993 but she wasn’t the first person to do so and so receives no royalties from her ingenuity.
Girls Aloud’s Cheryl Tweedy
Cheryl Tweedy famously got in a fight at The Drink nightclub in Guildford and was convicted of assault, sentenced to perform 120 hours of community service. I went to The Drink once. Once. If I ever went again I’d probably want to punch someone in too. If memory serves it was around £83 for a small bottle of East European alcopops! Wow! Let us in again Mr Doorman! And what the hell is going on with their toilets? And how come people kept treading on my foot? Was that some Guildford thing? Bloody Northerners. Anyway, for this service to humanity Cheryl Tweedy earns the prestigious neOnbubble Medal of You’re Alright You.
Cheryl comes from Newcastle which makes her incomprehensible to the other members of the band. Although the girls appear to get on well on stage and in interviews, behind the scenes it’s another matter. Cheryl is forced to communicate through scrawling notes on toilet paper or using semaphore and this leaves her feeling isolated.
FACT: Cheryl’s hero while growing up was Spuggie from Byker Grove. Now it’s Spider-Man because Spuggie can’t shoot webs out of her hands.
Girls Aloud’s Kimberley Walsh
Kim’s tummy was recently voted the 4th best in the world by Heat magazine which sounds impressive but they never explain the criteria. Best at rumbling? Most ripply? Most people are content to not consider these things but both I and Kim are kept awake at night beset by thoughts like these, worries, ponderings, and bedlice. We’re not in the same place when that happens, I’d just like to point out. Oh, except once. But Kim wasn’t really aware of it at the time and I’m too much of a gentleman to bring the matter up again.
Kim is a true Yorkshire lass through-and-through; when she’s not on stage with the band performing their latest hits Kim knits many of the outfits that Girls Aloud wear on tour. She also raises whippets, practically lives in a hairnet, hasn’t forgiven the Lancastrians for the War of the Roses, and maintains the Big Book of British Stereotypes for the Bradford Museum.
FACT: Kimberley Walsh has a morbid fear of pigeons. The other members of the band wanted to perform a special gig in Trafalgar Square to help her overcome the phobia but she threatened them with a silver stake she carries around to protect her from vampire werewolves and they all backed off. Girls Aloud will not be performing in Trafalgar Square.
Girls Aloud’s Sarah Harding
If there’s one thing Sarah loves then it’s strong men. She finds them extremely useful for moving the furniture around her house. Sarah is an amateur feng shui practitioner and hasn’t got it right yet as negative chi still manages to get into her home and kill her plants.
When she can persuade the others Sarah likes to take the band around the local DIY store to pick replacements for the dead, brown foliage cluttering up her house. Naturally, they must all don disguises to avoid being followed around by the staff and customers. Sarah wears a brown beard so if you spot someone with a brown beard in your local DIY store try yanking it off. You never know: it just might be her.
FACT: Sarah Harding enjoys a long-distance game of Risk-by-mail with a fan of the game in Honduras. Sarah has all of Asia, which is good, but it looks like Kamchatka will be lost to an army massing in Alaska on the next turn.
Girls Aloud’s Nicola Roberts
Nicola Roberts is Girls Aloud’s artificial lifeform member of the band. Every band has one. Roger Taylor from Queen is a biological form created in Brian May’s kitchen, for instance, and can morph his body in various ways. How else could he have looked so good in the video for I Want To Break Free? I’m not the only one that fancied him! Shut up!
Nicola is three-quarters quartz-based and her brain is digital. Regrettably it only has a clock-speed of 8MHz and attempts to overclock it once set her hair on fire. The girls of Girls Aloud are very protective of Nicola and try to avoid taking her out in the rain because of her construction. But that’s crazy! She’s water-resistant to three atmospheres! Nicola is indestructible but she does have an ‘off’ switch in a dark, damp, hard-to-reach place. Manchester. Ha ha! Bet you thought I was going to say vagina.
FACT: Nicola picks the band’s tour locations using a ouija board. This explains why they will be performing two dates in ‘Yes’ and the Girls Aloud tour will conclude at ‘judoe4lbb No ffq’ on June 3rd.