Gia Milinovich (born 11 July, 21 years ago, always 21 years ago) is a television presenter, new media producer, author, multiple world record holder, religious icon, and the only woman in Britain – as of this week – to have her memories stored for later reincarnation. Her mammaries too.
She has been leader of the New Ra Movement since 2002 following a bust-up with the Pope and is acknowledged as one of the most powerful voices in European policy-making thanks to a career built on the back of high-profile blackmailing.
Gia was born in Hibbing, Minnesota 21 years ago. Always 21 years ago. As the daughter of former members of the Serbian secret police both she and her family had a great deal of sensitive information on local celebrity Bob Dylan who had toured her ancestral country on numerous occasions and failed to take adequate precautions against bugging devices. The Milinovich family, seeking to distance themselves from their part in unsuccessfully resurrecting the corpse of Hitler (still kept on the living room mantelpiece) and the subsequent tin mine flooding disaster, persuaded Dylan to introduce Gia to his media contacts and Gia’s affair with the world of broadcasting blossomed.
- an enlarged brain with fully-intact racial memories,
- two enlarged bosoms,
- a third knee,
- fliptop head.
This combination allowed her to learn at a far faster rate than her fellow classmates, excel at kneeling, and get higher marks from the male teachers for some reason. Gia graduated from the University of Minnesota with degrees in all the sciences at age 13.
Her high intelligence and keen insight caught the eye of her Biology professor, PZ Myers, who informed the U.S. Military as the terms of his continued freedom dictated. Gia was abducted and experimented upon for a number of years in an attempt to delve into the secrets within her mind. Gia finally escaped with the aid of an interne at the base lab (Sarah Jessica Parker) who helped Gia hide inside a delivery robot. Fearing for her life she made her way to England as navigator on a top secret new type of flying craft. The craft was subsequently hotwired from its landing place in Romford, taken for a joyride, and set alight.
Gia’s trauma at the hands of the military probably drove her to find religion when she reached London although she claims to have always been drawn to belief in a deity of some sorts in her first autobiography Can I Have A Gia Please Bob? because "otherwise they burn you at the stake in America".
Choosing Catholicism over the Church of England was a simple choice for Gia as the Catholics had had considerably more centuries to perfect their indoctrination techniques. Gia became an active recruiter for the religion in and around London and wrote a number of well-received novels supporting the faith and promoting a strict, fundamentalist approach to it with an emphasis on literal belief in the Bible. In short order she came to the attention of the Pope at the time – John Paul II – and she was invited to Rome for a rosette. During a doubles game on the subterranean tennis court at St Peter’s Basilica an argument between His Holiness and Gia over a net call escalated and her stint as a Catholic came to an end with excommunication and buttock-branding.
The New Ra Movement
On her return to London Gia formed The New Ra Movement, a cult in direct opposition to Christianity. This move strained the once close relationship with her twin sister Amy who remained a Catholic in name in order to continue receiving discount coupons at the GOPaganda Store in New Jersey.
The cult soon attracted a number of celebrity names to it, drawn by the liberal, pagan freedoms it offered, worship of the sun, the incessant pub crawls, and the fashionable range of merchandising based on the "holy square spiral thing". Writer Alex Garland, director Danny Boyle, Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani, and physicist/presenter Dr Brian Cox are all High Priests Of New Ra.
New Ra has attracted criticism and threatening letters from high-ranking Scientologists because its methods of parting entertainment industry people from their cash, checking for "sunspots" using Easy Bake Ovens, and the cult mythos surrounding the evil Zenu – who it is believed inflicted Chinese burns on millions of souls on a vacation trip of a lifetime to a volcano during the time of the dinosaurs – may infringe on copyright. In order to legitimise the religion and strengthen its defence against the Hubbardians’ solicitor brigade Gia has reportedly sold much of her family’s appropriated Nazi works-of-art to fund the production of the movie Sunshine which paints the cult in a favourable light and includes subliminal messages ordering viewers to rip up personality tests on sight. It is hoped that it will fare better at the box office than Battlefield Earth.
Gia Milinovich’s curriculum vitae reads like a list of the greatest science and technology programmes on British television: Demolition Day (presenter), The Sky At Night (Patrick Moore‘s monocle-cleaner), Robot Wars (Philippa Forrester‘s voice), Tomorrow’s World (Judith Hann‘s body double). In addition she has presented teen fashion shows and sports programmes and met Les Dennis. The Les Dennis. They do not have a secret child together.
Gia has a bionic eyelid and she invented the "Print Screen" button present on most computer keyboards. Gia never goes anywhere without her Apple laptop in hand, a lesson to everyone on the dangers of superglue. She causes broad radio interference on airflights and must wear a lead apron to prevent disastrous crashes. But that’s all she wears.