It’s no secret to those who I’ve shared the secret to that I am the "Go To Guy" when it comes to arranging dates. I’ve helped so many people out with their single, lonely existences that I am assured a gold plated throne in Heaven when I die, not that I ever will thanks to that one time when God needed an escort pronto! "Omniscience and omnipotence only get you so far but Mark’s connections and expertise are truly eternal." That’s what God said aftewards. Said I could put it on business cards and even use the By Appointment To The Supreme Being logo too. That God: what a guy!
So what’s the next "big thing" in dating circles? Is it, in fact, a big thing? Well, for some maybe, but the big thing was only really a big thing at the end of the seventies and the early eighties. Obviously, in the meantime we’ve been through blind dating, not dating, swinging, hand dating, freemasonry, virtual dating, the Abu Ghraib Experience, dogging, and, recently, speed dating. They’ve all been great and have led to many, many long-term partnerships forming but I know that a great many of my readers are still firmly ensconced in that metaphorical lead casket of stigma marked "Here Lies A Dateless Wonder". Can I help? Can I possibly divulge the next big thing and give my loyal singletons a head-start, a chance for happiness?
If I can’t then this article is going to be shorter than planned.
Date The Elderly
There have been some high-profile examples of this happening already – Anna, Catherine, and Liza’s bodyguard; I’m looking at you kids – but relationships with pensioners who don’t have any money is set to go mainstream in 2005. Guaranteed! You read it here first!
Think about it: widows, widowers, spinsters, and those who have just got out after serving 25 years are an untapped oil well in the tumultuous dating arena and they have a great deal to offer men and women of the current generation who just can’t seem to meet Mr or Miss Right. Do you know anyone your own age who knows the secrets of wearing multiple layers of clothing and coats during the Summer without dying? No, you don’t. But that’s a skill you may need when you’re in your seventies and the world’s energy crises collapse and form one terminal megacrisis.
Date the elderly now and learn how to survive the future.
Where Can You Find "The Elderly?"
You don’t just find them hanging from trees, ha ha. No, inexpensive aspirin and paracetamol have made that totally unnecessary these days.
You’re probably thinking "Wow! I’ve had no joy at finding a partner and I know where to go to find people my own age. But a wrinkly? Where would I find one of them?"
You want to know what single location beats the old favourites of bingo halls, funerals, church, backs of ambulances, and misty meadows hands down? Supermarkets on Saturdays. Why? Consider this: if old people don’t like young people (and, generally, and rightly, they don’t) then what sort of old person would choose to do their shopping on the day when most young people do theirs after having all week to themselves in which they could perform that very act in relative peace? An old person in search of love, that’s who.
Chatting Up "The Elderly"
Chatting up an elderly man or woman is just like chatting up someone of your own age. You just have to speak louder … and slowly. And repeat yourself. I said "and repeat yourself. Repeat."
You should avoid any references to modern television programmes, events, or activities. What you’re really after is a puzzled look and the answer "that’s nice dear." That, in old people circles, is the green light. Go, go, go.
To help you along I’ve compiled a list of my top ten chat-up lines to entice and excite senior citizens. Not too much excitement, though.
10. Do you believe in love at first sight or are your cataracts making me appear like a large, blurry blob?
9. I’m fighting the urge to make you the happiest man in trousers with an elasticated waistband tonight.
8. I can empty your colostomy bag with one hand. Imagine what my tongue can do.
7. I’m from the census bureau. Your wrinkles don’t tally up and I’m going to need to perform a manual recount.
6. I overspray myself with lavender to cover the smell of leaking urine in my underwear. How you doin’?
5. You’re old, you’re a burden to society, and you smell but I’m a sociopathic pervert so let’s go fuck.
4. I’ve lost my London Underground map. Can I use the veins in your leg?
3. I really like your vest, second vest, t-shirt, undershirt, second undershirt, pullover, cardigan, scarf, duffle coat, shawl, overshawl, and woolly hat but I think they’d look better on my bedroom floor.
2. If you’re non-responsive first thing in the morning should I attempt to resuscitate?
1. Fifteen quid, or twenty with no teeth.
Elderly Dating Dos And Do Not Dos
Dating the decrepit will, hopefully, eventually become like second nature but initially it will all be new and a little scary. Here are some hints to help you get the most out of your new relationship with a life experience-enriched person and also avoid some common pitfalls.
- DO carry spare batteries for hearing aids at all times,
- DO NOT shout at your elderly date without good cause,
- DO keep up-to-date with the latest news from the world of knitting,
- DO NOT poke fun at cankles or Sir Cliff Richard until you know your date better,
- DO remember to use a condom because no child wants their mum or dad competing in the school sports day parents race on the same day they receive a telegram from the Queen,
- DO NOT book romantic getaways longer than a month in advance.
What’s So Good About Dating "The Elderly"
Think about everything that’s bad about dating people your own age and settling down with them. It’s invariably good with an old person. Here are some answers to common questions.
Will they be there for me when I get home stressed from work? Your elderly partner will be there because they have nothing else to do or anywhere else to go. Yes, you may have to hide the keys to the electric buggy to enforce this but you can’t spell "tough love" without "love."
Will they find someone else and leave me or cheat? If you’re worried that the freshness of the relationship will fade from your new partner then simply seek out an Alzheimer’s patient and let every day be your first day together.
Will my partner ever get bored of brown clothes? No. And if you buy them any other colours you’ll find that, just like tramps’ apparel, the inner brown will force its way out anyway.
Should I be concerned about the new in-laws not liking a young person dating their son/daughter? Only if you can commune with the dead.
Will they be able to satisfy me, you know, sexually? Two words: Parkinson’s Disease.
Use this advice wisely but if you are single then get out there first thing in January after the traditional Christmas culling has taken place and reserve the best of what’s around early. Good luck.