Future History

Thanks to a happy little mistake that took place in my bedroom when I was trying to build a better, faster, more deadly type of squirrel using socks orphaned from the washing machine, a plastic coat hanger, and Princess Diana’s compacted corpse I accidentally conjured up a temperamental, temporal portal on the top shelf of my wardrobe. Ever since that day last year I’ve been blessed with relics from times past, present, and future suddenly appearing as if from nowhere. Often with sound effects. Most recently a copy of the Encyclopedia Europica (2110 Edition) fell onto my head while reaching for a t-shirt.

The future for Harry PotterI discovered, while scrolling through its smell-enhanced holographic screens that the technology used in the production of the Encyclopedia Europica was invented by me in five years time and that I went on to live a long and happy life in my diamond citadel on the spot where London used to be. Which was all very nice but of no interest to you so I won’t go into details. Instead, why not take a look at how future historians and owners of the Encyclopedia Europica because of its extensive, interactive section on "Catholic Sex Practices (Bishops)" will see/see/saw political figures of the late 20th and early 21st centuries? I don’t care if that’s of no interest to you either.

Hussein, Saddam
President of Burning Oilfield 7 (formerly Iraq). Moustachioed and enigmatic leader Saddam was captured at the second attempt following a decade of goods embargoes by former ally America. Put on show trial but failed to deliver catchy soundbites and distract from catastrophic ongoing civil war until Judge Judy Sheindlin took over. She found for the defendant as Saddam was technically a minor under Iraqi law when he allegedly committed the acts he was charged with, awarded him his country back, and fined America one billion trillion dollars. America reneged on the legally-vague decision and sent Dick Cheney to Baghdad to take out both the judge and former leader of the country with his shotgun.

Clinton, President Bill.
42nd President of America. Failed to keep pants up.

The American media regarded Clinton as an abomination who sullied the image of America.

Bush, President George W.
43rd President of America. Failed to report for duty. Failed to string a coherent sentence together. Failed to protect country. Failed to remain upright on early gyroscopically-stabilised machine. Failed to consume pretzel. Failed to find any weapons of mass destruction. Failed to ride bike. Failed to prevent thousands of soldiers being killed or maimed. Failed to find Osama bin Laden. Failed to open door in China. Failed to cover-up lies about failing to foresee hurricane damage. Failed to remain sober. Failed to follow teachings of religion he claimed to follow. Failed to help prevent climate damage to planet. Failed to recite common sayings. Failed the veterans. Failed the elderly. Failed the sick. Failed the children. Failed everyone left. Failed to really accomplish a mission. Failed to care about black people. Failed to finish ‘My Pet Goat’.

The American media regarded Bush as a swell President who led the country majestically during a difficult time.

Bush, King Jeb.
King of Christdomland. Trained alligators to sever link with mainland USA and floated Florida southwards to become new breakaway country Christdomland in 2020. Outraged CSI Miami star David Caruso sought an audience with Bush, removed his glasses, put his hands on his hips thoughtfully, and then kicked the king into the Atlantic where he drowned. Attempts to alter path of Christdomland subsequently failed and it collided with Cuba in 2027, going down with the loss of all on board. Cuban leader The Ghost Of Fidel Castro claimed this was another attempt on his life by the American government and raised the price of cigars.

Wheaton, Emperor Wil.
First elected emperor of Iceland. Kidnapped by Scandinavian trekkies during a science fiction convention in Wisconsin in 2007 and brainwashed using working mind game device from season 5, episode 6 of Star Trek: The Next Generation into running for leadership of Iceland. Won in a landslide. National anthem changed to ‘In Your Empty Eyes’ by death metal band Sororicide. Imperial mandate to research warp drive powered by geothermal energy prevalent under country immediately preceded mysterious vanishing of Iceland in 2015. Reappeared exactly one year later but everyone had goatee beards and Emperor Wheaton had been deposed by new leader Princess LeVar Burton.

Blair, Prime Minister Tony "Call Me Tony".
Prime Minister of Great Britain, 1997-2009, 2013-2017, 2040-2081. Founding leader of the New Labour political party. During first reign of terror introduced compulsory voluntary citizen tracking system and bankrupted country. Following the first coup and his second run in charge sold details of entire population to the Osmond family and converted every British inhabitant to Mormonism. Betrayed by son Leo and imprisoned. Freed from cryogenic freeze on the moon by disciples in 2038 he led an army of Japanese robot dogs in battle and retook control of Parliament ruling with an iron fist and titanium buttocks for over forty years. Poisoned by wife Cherie who had been hypnotised into believing he was Gordon Brown after being retrieved through a time shelf owned by the owner of an unpopular website.

Author: Mark

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  1. I mourn the loss of your socks but must stress that, as they are an integral intestinal part of a new sentient super squirrel who guards my temporal shelf from unwanted visitors and feasts on his fair share of Nuts That Time Forgot, I am prevented from returning those particular garments at the expense of what is a marvellous new lifeform with a great singing voice.

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  2. Is it a grey squirrel or red?

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  3. mr. potter told me that hermoine’s wand would prevent, and even cure, prostate cancer if used early and repeatedly. i must admit, if feels REALLY GOOD…knowing that I will not get prostate cancer.

    praise the lord! halledubya! thrust in it hard, and he shall remove thine sins.

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  4. I heard that J K Rowling was continuing the seven-book series with a further seven books. Each book will be prefixed ‘Harry Potter reads…’ as in ‘Harry Potter reads Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone’.

    J K Rowling will be able to make millions from stupid parents world-wide who fail to recognise that book 1 and book 8 are identical except the latter begins with ‘Harry Potter picked up an old book. It read…’

    Or did I just dream all that?

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  5. I care not about the super squirrel OR his time-forgotten nuts. I want my socks back.

    I have a lawyer, you know.

    Besides, everyone knows that it’s the chipmunks who are best for guarding temporal shelves. Particularly Simon.

    Alvin is a lost cause, though.

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  6. mark, i believe, good sir, that your squirrel has "teh jaundice", which understandably, can be mistaken for an ominous glow if you squint and tilt your head to the right slightly.

    just to be sure, that’s the squirrel on the right right?


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  7. Sadly, liver failure was always going to be an issue with a footwear-based lifeform.

    And yes, the squirrel is on the right. While both Ruggybabs and the squirrel have a great pair of gnashers only one of the pair frequently gnaws on nuts. In case you’re wondering, walnuts are favoured over testicles, and the squirrel is partial to lasagne.

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  8. The movie of the book of the film about Hermione Granger knows about the book called ‘J.K. Rowling writes a book called Harry Potter Reads Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone.’

    Expect it in 2082.

    And it will be made in Bollywood.

    And I’m sure a jaundiced squirrel fights a woman in there somewhere. Or was that a DVD I recently bought?

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  9. *sneaks in, leaves a pile of arsenic-laden nuts and quietly leaves the room*

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  10. You’re a genius and I’ve just wet my pants. Must go and change.

    It’s always Squirrels. Why’s it always Squirrels?

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  11. I saw "Nuts That Time Forgot" on Channel 5 late one night while my wife was away.

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  12. David Duchovny. Part of the ‘Red Shoe Wildlife’ series.

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  13. Aaah. Probably would have been on past my bedtime then.

    So, how’s the sister-in law’s breasts? I’ve missed them. Any chance of a return of "T’pipe" website? You know you want to.

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  14. I hope you warmed the tape measure.

    And awakenings is good.

    Not the film. Something about hairy doctors I don’t trust.

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  15. I had no formal measuring devices to hand so I used something I knew to be 6 inches long which was already warm.

    She said it felt nice, and it also gave the guinae pig something to brag about to his mates down the guinae pub.

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  16. Enquiring minds want to know: how do you know the guinea pig is six inches long?

    That’s enquiring minds and not mine which is busy building mental walls to block the imagery that formed when I typed the question.

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  17. What a coincidence! Jimmy Krankie was what I was trying to buy!

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  18. Man do you have a lot of free time on your hands.

    Anyhow, I can’t afford that much, would you consider a swap for a 6 inch guinea pig? One careful owner.

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  19. It’s Friday. It’s the day when you click anything with the word ‘compile’ or ‘backup’ or ‘defrag’ on it (often all at the same time) and sit back and relax.

    I’m not sure about a swap. One owner – no matter how careful – is one too many. I’m sure you’re an officer and a gentleman when it comes to such matters but, well, I’ve heard rumours about what officers and gentlemen do with rodentia.

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  20. Don’t worry I’ll wash it. And I’m sure you can use it for backing up over the weekend.

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